not a great T sesson

geez everyone has a breaking point.i am all to aware of this.i really dont want T to reach hers i live in fear of that happening.i'm mostly scared to talk to her and so much goes through my head.its hard.and also feeling like she can really go without all the crap i have to say.i am going to write out a conversation that went on in my head over one question she asked me.she doesnt usually like me writing but i think ill still try because i think she may think it funny.hey all she will do is tell me how she doesnt want me writing and replacing my talking and so on.i like her a lot i dont want to push her away.but i guess i am.

Granite, this is a good idea to write out the conversation that you had in your head after one of her questions. Excellent idea! And you will give it to her?

No Granite, you're not pushing her away, you are trying to communicate as best you can. Be easy on yourself!
I also worry about pushing T to her breaking point; but she has been in this field a long time, and even though I doubt it at times, there is probably not much she can encounter in me which she hasn't dealt with before. Have some confidence in that. And good luck in your writeup, that is a GREAT idea. hugs

i really dont know if i will give it to her but omg it was quite funny everything that went through my head.it was one of those great ideas that i scared myself right out of.but i am going to bring it with me incase i have a brave moment

swe i think my T has been a T for a long time also some sessons she just seems to get it and other sessons she just seems to not.she really was off monday real bad or maybe it was me i dont know but it really sucked big time.i finish what i was going to write read it a few times and scared myself out of giving it to her but i will bring it with me..i dont think she would take it anyway and i would never read it to her

What scared you about it granite?

Well, she is doing a one woman show. If you are not engaging with her it would be difficult for her to get it always.

time for a listi love lists
1. i dont think she will take it.she will ask me to read it and i cant.
2.if she does she will move close to me and read it out loud.i hate hearing my words it feels yucky
3.my biggest fear if i let myself look really deep dpwn is i am afraid she wont believe anything i think and or thinks it is really stupid or has a real bad reaction to what i was thinking.i'm not willing to take that risk it would devistate me i think

I love lists too!

Is this how the mother reacted to you?

she really is doing a one woman show sannah.and it really is hard for her to get it all the time.wow i had so many reactions to this one statement.it went from great to not so great.first-
i agree it is hard for her to get it all the time without my cooperation and she gets it a lot of the time she really does and i just thought about how great it would be if she got it all the time because i helped her and she was able to help me feel better because she wasnt guessing what is going on of how something is making me feel just bye me reactions.it would probibly make me feel awsome and really trust her and just feel better.and omg what a great thing.
THEN-
this is exactally why my silence protects her.in my mind she has a reason not to get it so she is ok if she doesn't.if she doesnt get it it is because i'm doing something wrong ,I'm bad not her and i can deal with that and not be devistated.what would i do if i shared something and omg she was so off about it and didnt care or didnt get it or made me feel worse.i dont think i could deal.so my silence keeps her safe and ok in my mind most of the time

you didnt really have any thoughts of oppinions when it came to the mother it meant betting beat or worse i really dont think T would ever touch me in any angry hurtfull way

I'm really glad that this got you thinking and sharing granite. You are afraid that she won't live up to your expectations?

Wow, your words are really powerful to you granite? It is like they are hot coals or something?

Is this how past therapists behaved?

what if what i said totaly repulsed her and made her turn me away .most days i really think it is better this way and it will never change

Thanks for sharing this, skeksi. This is how it is for me too.

Granite, I can relate to having SO MUCH going on in my head that I don't know how to open my mouth and speak. It feels awful...because I want the help, but I can't figure out how to untangle the knots in my head to figure out what I'm supposed to say to GET the help.

I have been in a quiet, confused place in therapy for a little while...last week, I walked in, sat down, and said RIGHT AWAY before I had time for my mind to start working "there is so much going on in my head, and I come in here and have no idea where to begin". Saying that was SUCH a relief. Like...I had opened my mouth and let a little out and made just a little more space inside.

I've been seeing T for three years and I still get into that "can't speak" place.

I wonder if you can make a goal for yourself to say ONE thing? Like "I don't know where to begin" or "i want to do art". Just one thing. I used to be very afraid of posting on PC and I made a goal for myself to reply to three threads a day, no matter how stupid I felt my replies were. After a while, it got more comfortable, and now I have like 54594295275 posts You can start somewhere small, and not even WORRY about what comes next.

Hugs to you, granite

Now I see why you don't want to speak.

Why do you think what you would say would be repulsive?

i dont really know how all these fears came about.i dont think i have ever really given a T a chance to be that way i dont think i have ever really talked to a t about anything about how i feel and think.i know thats hard to believe given the fact that i spent from14 to 22 in hospitals and residential treatment programs.did a lot of acting out though .i guess i have always been this way about talking.i guess maybe it was from the mother but i dont remember ever talking to her much about anything but the weather

i have made a goal that i can atleast try to answer safe questions with a verbal yes or no and not a head shake but let me tell you it isnt easy and sometimes i forget or just cant manage it like last monday.i guess i did answer some monday about feeling faces she showed me untill i got a bit overwelmed

So you were able to participate and interact up until you got overwhelmed? That's all anyone can do. That's impressive, to push yourself to do it until it is too much. This is hard. You are trying hard. They are both true things.

thanks skekis i was able to shake my head yes and no for a bit but got overwelmed it was hard but i dont think my T even noticed how hard i was trying IDK.this means a lot

(((((((Granite ))))))))))) Did you try yet to ask T a question? When I was in my "I'm NOT talking to YOU" situation in college (the only reason I showed up was because they had the authority to kick me out if I didn't go - blah!) Well, my college T decided to play a game with me. He said he would answer 1 question from me for every 1 question I answered for him. Of course I didn't want to know anything about him at first and he made up questions and said "Ask me blah blah " - and I did. Anyway, it did help break me into the talking mode.

i wanted to ask her how her vacation was but decided it was way over her boundries and not my busness.what questions did you ask

I think asking if she had a good vacation is perfectly fine. I have totally asked my Ts if they have had a good vacation/conference etc. None of them have seemed put off by the question. It isn't like you are asking for details. You are showing you care about her.

IDK she has some prity heavy boundries

my T has really strict boundaries in some areas, but I did ask her this week how her vacation was and we had a short conversation about it. I think just saying "welcome back, how was your vacation?" isn't crossing boundaries.

Granite, in my situation - T was so happy I was FINALLY engaging him in conversation that he was happy when I did start asking questions. Because I really didn't want to talk to him at all, the questions at first were his own. Example:
T=T - M=Me

T: W, are you enjoying the sunshine today?
M: Shrugs
T: - raises voice a little to sound like me (( I glare at him)) "Why yes! Thank you for asking! It is a wonderful day!"
M; chuckles a little since he is funny in his own way (he was a stout and very manly African American male and I am a tiny little white girl - so it really was cute the way he would do this).
T: - still in his high voice "But tell me, T, are you enjoying this nice weather?"
M: sits silently looking at him
T: - waits for me to ask him that and gestures with his hand to encourage me
M: "So do you like the sun or not?" (( growling ))
T: Gets a big smile on his face "Why thank you for asking! I am really enjoying the weather this time of year!"

((( I think my college T must have had a lot of students like me who didn't want to talk to him - so I think this was his technique. It did work though ))

After I warmed up a little bit more and we did the one question game, my questions were always very shallow.
"What is your favorite color?" (( food, drink, song, type of music - found out he played Jazz )) Just simple questions like that.
After a year of doing this - combined with sessions I had no memory of attending when I was in one of my Alters -but had NO idea I was even DID - and he would tell me I did come to session and I told him I did NOT. That was a TRIP. But after a year, he no longer had to do the question game. He had broken through.