A New Day

Thank you all again for the always wonderful support!
It helped me so much yesterday.
I wanted to write last night but couldn't... I didn't have the strength after yesterday. Plus my folks will be back in town today and so I have to see my abuser again. But I think I will be ok. For one thing, there are no tears left inside me now after yesterday!!

HR called me in and gave me the last written warning I had to sign that said if I had any other "outbursts" (( crying at my desk if a flashback is going on like what happened this Tuesday )) that I will be fired. I have been with that company and been the very best at what I did for 10 yrs now.

I was being a good little girl and just signed on the line and they thought it was all nice and tidy and were so happy with themselves. Well, my protector alter came out. That alter is like the super executive side of me. She annoys me really - very opposite of my normal relaxed behavior. She was the one who came out to protect me for many years - but doing it like a super mother figure.

I saw myself go to the back of the room and just watch. Then that alter told HR something about the way the guys in the room were always talking about sex stuff. I honestly don't even remember what that alter said because I was just fighting to stay aware. All I know is I saw the eyes on the VP HR lady get very big and firm. She looked at my manager and said "We need to do an investigation on this!" My manager also looked like he was in shock. Big time.

I left HR in tears, went outside to cry and get composed again. Worked for a big more. Went to lunch - cried some more. Came back composed and worked a while. Then my manager calls me out of the room - again! I was like "Do I need to bring my purse?" I thought for sure I was going to be fired and they just figured they messed up by giving me a final warning and decided to just get rid of me once and for all. ((After all, that would match everything I have learned along the way on how people treat me. ))

I went back into HR with my manager but a different HR lady. She is very kind to me most of the time. But one thing happened years ago that made me not trust her - so I am always on guard after that even though it was a single event. Anyway, she had a series of questions about the thing my alter told HR that morning. The investigation had started and because I had asked to take off work today, they wanted to go ahead and ask me my set of questions.

UUUUUGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously - the biggest ugggg in the entire universe!!!!
I had to sit there and tell them what goes on every day in that room where I work (they call it the fishbowl because it is a small room and we have desks but no real dividers ... and I am the only female in there with 6 men).

Anyway, guys are sometimes guys and when they are with each other in a group, they forget they are at work and talk about girls and body parts and the whole nine yards plus a lot more. Well, I grew up with two brothers and have just been trying to be relaxed and not a "typical girl" who can't handle working with the guys. I need them to have my back and help me with stuff. So I just let stuff slide and mostly pretended I didn't hear a thing. Sometimes I would joke back a little about things if they were all in on it. Just trying to fit in and stay safe.

Well, I spent an hour telling HR all about everything. I let the cat out of the bag. I was bawling like a baby and about to get sick at my stomach most of the time. My manager was sitting there. It was like being in therapy with how I ONLY tell my T certain things and NO ONE else!! Except I did NOT NOT NOT feel safe at all!!! And my T wasn't in the room!!! The only thing that gave me strength to do it was my alter being there with me and comforting me and taking over when I was bawling. The HR lady had never seen me switch that way - my boss did before so he was not surprised - but I could see she was sometimes speechless that I would start describing stuff the guys were watching and how they were talking about girl parts and stuff and I would be bawling so hard I was doubled over and suddenly would sit straight up in the chair and be very matter of fact without any tears and finish the sentance.

I have been trying VERY hard to not dissociate and to learn other ways of dealing with life. But it just happened that way yesterday. It was far more than I could take by myself without dissociating some. So I was adding to the pain a bit by being very ashamed at myself for splitting that way not not being able to literally "pull myself together" as it were.

For the first time in my entire life, this week I felt my disability. I felt what helplessness feels like. I felt what PTSD does and how I do need my T to help on this. It is strange because I wonder what I have been thinking the whole time - but I felt it full force head-on. Almost like if I had lost a limb but was moving through life pretending I still had it and then suddenly it hits me when I go to stand on it and the leg is just not there. I was really broken in a few places this week and there was nothing I could do about it on my own. I was at the mercy of others to help me through. All of that hit me harder than I can ever describe. It hit me in my gut full force.

Anyway, I survived the inquisition and got to see my T last night. Another situation of the universe giving me perfect timing. I got to spend extra time with T as he had a person cancel before me so he called me in early. I was so thankful just to be in my safe place in his safe place he made out of his office. I felt like no matter what the bullies and monsters outside in the world did to me that if I could just make it inside that room that they wouldn't be able to get into the room. That my T would not allow them into the room.

I figured out a lot about my fear of telling on the guys. DEEP fears of being harmed based on threats to my life from other males and a female from age 0 until 27. I still have a lot to process through about all this and the fact I told on the guys - on the team. And I got almost no sleep last night because my brain was seeing all the threats and stuff from my ex-husband and my dad and the "bike boys" ... being told all the very aweful things that they would do to me if I ever "breathed a word to another living soul." :-( I know I am 40 years old now and have the law on my side. But I know what evil looks like. I don't think the guys on my team are evil... but I keep wondering what will happen if one or more of them do get fired? (( uggg!!)) I am serious, my heart is racing taking about this because I know they have weapons. And I thought other people in my life would never harm me but they did.

I can't just avoid work. So I will go back in there. I just have to somehow talk myself into thinking they are not like the other guys. I do know them well and they are all kind guys - I know this. And I think if anyone from the outside messed with me, they would collectively destroy them. In fact, I know they would.

Why do I feel so so so so awful about all of this... urrrr.
I know I will be ok. But I really just wish I could vanish into thin air right now.

If you read all this - thank you so much

WePow, you are so impressive to me! The only thing I can think of in the way of "advice" would be, if you have not already done it, and if it is something you want to do, is to tell the HR your feelings about your co-workers -- that they are not evil people, but sometimes go wrong and that gets to you.

I was the head bookkeeper for a non-profit for 10 years. They did not have an IT person, and I am skilled in that area, so when computer issues came up I would just address them and try to help out as often as possible. There was this one guy in particular who had lots of pc issues. He was also the guy that was always in the building alone on weekends and after hours for no apparent reason (he didn't have a butt load of work). Anyhow, on dozens of occasions I came to help with his pc, and porn videos would pop up out of no where. It was so unsettling to me. I liked this guy a lot, we were very friendly...but the crap on his pc was hair raising. After a year or so of this, a video popped up that triggered the hell out of me. I ran and hid in the bathroom for an hour. I could not compose myself, and was sent home. The next day I got called on the carpet by the boss. I think it was panic...but I blurted out the info about this one guy. The next morning a human resource team was at the front door waiting for him to arrive. They took his key, had him clear his desk and sent him home on the spot. It was awful.

Not sure why I'm telling you this long story, but I guess it's just to say I understand the "not wanting to tell" and "telling" stuff. It's complicated, frustrating and exhausting.

(((((((((((WePow))))))))

I don't know what to say. You are an amazing person. You did such a good job standing up for yourself! You are an inspiration.

(((( Eileen )))) Wow! Thank you for sharing this with me! I feel not-so-alone with the issue knowing other woman have had to do this as well.

Thank you all so so much!

((((((((((WePow)))))))))))

You are so so so brave. I can really FEEL deep deep down how scary it all is - my PTSD issues would be triggered big time.

You did the right thing. i am proud of you

What a rough day! I'm glad your T was there for you (and early, too!) Be extra good to yourself this weekend.

I can really relate.
Glad you went back.
There are times when it seems like we won't get through this.
But we will.
You will get through this.
You have been doing so much work.
I can see the good-fight there within you.
WePow. I don't know a lot about alters (forgive me).
How do you know your protector alter is not the real you?

(((((((((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))))))

Hello WePow



Wow. What a day! And well done, big time, for standing up for yourself. Please remember one thing: YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT here. What those guy do every day, in an open plan office, easily counts as workplace harrassment, and you are the victim, and definitely not the one who needs to be punished and fired. If it helps, and if you cannot face it being you, feel free to think you are me. I happily lend myself to you for any further occasions. This me-you is very powerful, calm and articulate, and she knows she is right. And this is what me-you would do: tell those guys to stop it when they do it, tell my manager immediately that they are disturbing me at work with sexual content, that I am exposed to unwanted sexual conversation on an everyday basis. They have to stop, and you have the right to feel safe at work. What those guys have been doing is wrong, full stop. And you are right. And your manager and HR needs to know this as clearly as humanly possible, and they will be on your side, no question.

Would you consider sending your post to your T? He could help you develop some healthy assertiveness skills, so you don't have to feel too anxious and guilty when you rightly confront people. And you don't spiral out when you do so. You will need this in many real-life situations, unfortunately, because many people often do what they can get away with, unless someone stops them...

But way to go WePow, you DID stand up to protect yourself and that is HUGE. You're a winner.

Thank you.

((WePow)) I had a work situation once where my boss would come up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and massage them. He would do it just about every day and I cringed when he did this. I told myself 'no big deal' etc... then I was alienated by my boss and my coworker. Stealing my ideas and work etc... I talked to my bosses boss about this and totally broke down in front of her. I could barely get the words out and feared what would happen. She told me that I wasn't the first person this happened to?? My tire was mysteriously slashed but that was it thankfully. My boss was immediately let go and I felt this huge sense of relief ... however I felt like I was telling on someone and was scared. I'm hoping this stressful time turns around you for you quickly.