about using words(please dont be angry)

i dont know if i can go back at this point she isnt even in her office untill monday.i dont even know if i can face her anyway.nevermind speak to her .can you imagine if after all this i can go back and i wont talk.dont think that would be a good idea.I'm scared

Granite, I think it is perfectly natural for you to make progress in therapy in steps, rather than in Herculean leaps. You have such an intense fear of speaking in T - I don't think any reasonable T would expect you to be 'past that' now, simply becuase one week you were able to break through your internal defences and talk some. There is a reason talking is so hard for you. I don't know what it is, and maybe you don't even know what it is, but I doubt that that reason would cease to be an issue now just because you managed to talk once.
You put so much pressure on yourself, and are so incredibly critical of yourself. I can tell you have a lot of fear and have been so incredibly hurt. Be gentle with you. I don't think you need any more pressure than what you already heap on yourself from within.
If you go back to T next week and can't talk, IT'S OKAY. You've spoken once, and you will be able to do it again... but it doesn't have to be all at once / from now on / a permanent 'breakthrough'. Any progress in therapy usually happens in 'baby steps'... we move forward, pull back, muster up the courage to move forward again.

It's okay to pull back, Granite. IT'S OKAY.

Granite...I bet you communicate volumes without speaking a word. If you go back and cannot speak, it doesn't "ruin" what you did this week. It's ok to be quiet, there is nothing wrong with that. You can go back and not talk...it's fine, we don't think any less of you!

woke up today feeling totally paniced .i know today would be the day that i got my call about having an appointment.thank god i hahve work today otherwise i would be home wishing that call would come but not really wanting to go to T.i really need to just accept that it is over and that i will be ok and that i am ok,that i dont need her.i have been seeing her for a year so i assume it would be hard especially sence i dont do change well.really i believe this is best for all.i have to.someone else who wont be wasting her time i'm sure has my spot.funny thing is i am strangely calm.other then all the miserable thoughts that go through my head ,i havnt SI or anything ,i havnt gotten out of controle at work or home.i havnt done anything but just work and sit on my couch and listen to music.

Maybe you are calm because you have made up your mind?

i think so sannah and i think deep down it really hurts.when i am forced to see such a reality it hurts.i really had hope.i guess i can be good enough.i know i really can.i have been for a long time i just need to want to.thats the hard part but i guess ill be ok.my husband isnt happy he is just worried but we will work it out.

it is just an incrediably,horrable, awfull,unbelievably bad day

What is going on?

((((((((Granite)))))))))

Lots of hugs.

i still got a call from T office saying i have an appointment on monday at 5.i guess again she didnt get it.i called the secatary and asked her to give her the message that i wont be thare.she freaked and said she had to give me her voice mail the she was very particular about that.so again i was forced to speak.but i did tell her again that i just cant show up on monday and that i was sorry and i think i said bye i was kind of fading out believe it or not even after just one sentance.what a horid day and it isnt getting better

there have been a lot of good responses and i guess if i could say anything to you, i would just say this: (and please keep in mind that i struggle with myself with this sometimes, but when i can actually do it - it DOES usually WORK) ....

first, congratulate yourself on for opening up and talking with your T. seriously. for whatever reason it happened, it did - and YOU did it. you were strong and you pushed through whatever had been holding you back. i think you should do something really nice for yourself, whether you feel you "derserve" it or not (you do though! .... anything really - something simple or silly or pamper yourself in some small way, just one little thing that will make you feel good about being you and what you did.

two, i understand that feeling of - oh no. now what will next session be like. and you have all this time in between to build up all these possible scenarios (and speaking for myself, they're more than likely to be negative, ie. the therapist will EXPECT this or that of me, they will have feel a certain negative way about me/towards me, i will disappoint them, it won't be as good of a session, etc etc.) but coming from personal experience i suggest this - honestly? as hard as it will probably be - try not thinking about it. really. some of the best sessions i have had are the ones where i just show up, and whatever does or does not spill out of me is the way that session goes. sometimes letting things unfold naturally is the best way.

third, try and remember that as i'm sure you've heard, but i find myself hard to remember - there may be steps back. and that's okay. that doesn't HAVE to be bad. so perhaps you don't talk quite as much next session. maybe you just say a couple things. hopefully your T will be able to understand and see that you are working and going at the best pace that you can.

fourth, it WAS your T's decision to go over - so although you write that you are unsure of why but that it made you uncomfortable - i think what could help to keep in mind is that your T was just trying to give you what they thought might be helpful to you in that moment. sometimes a few extra minutes of a T's time and little gestures such as that do make me feel good, yes, because i know that they are trying to show that they know i am trying to get something out and they are trying to be there and give me what perhaps i need right then.

anyway, i hope maybe this helped in some way at least a little. i'm a little sleepy. ((hugs)) though, for sure

today is saturday and i am panicking about monday already.how am i gonna handle it if my T calls me asking me to come in and talk to her.i have never called her so i dont know if she would call me back i assumed she wouldnt but what if she does.how will i ever be able to accually tell her no or anything on the phone.i really dont want to go and not say anything.i cant face her at all.i'm telling you this is the worst never ending week of my life it really is.it just wont end. the panic, anger,numbness, anxiety,the depresson.everything i just want it all to go away.

truth be said i am also scared if i see it is her place i wont be able to move and answer the phone.how do i not panic at that point.i am so confused and conflicted and cant seem to grab any life line that is thrown to me.i'm just paralized in all this

((((((granite1))))))

I hope I am not posting 2x...the screen went crazy on me....

(((granite))) When you left her a voice mail did you tell her you were never coming back, or did you just say you wouldn't be there on Monday? If you just canceled for Mon, she will probably call you back to reschedule. She won't try to force you into coming in on Mon, she will most likely just offer you another day/time. So you just have to plan how you will respond with the reschedule question.

Are you sure you really want to quit? What if you schedule something for when your vaca is over...would that put you in panic mode for your whole time away? Would your anxiety lessen if you just say something like "I need to take a break for a while"...that would give you the option of changing your mind at a later date. It would leave the ball in your court. Then when you settle down you could decide to go back to her, or just make an appt with a new T...YOU'RE decision, YOU'RE choice.

Although...I have to say, talking your feelings thru with this T would be the best thing. But I know that's hard, and it's something I probably wouldn't be able to do either.

I want to echo Eileen's comment above:
Are you sure you want to quit?

Or, is it that you want to avoid what you *imagine* Monday's session will be like?
Not only that you might not be able to talk again (or feel pressured to), but that T will respond so nicely, like she did in giving you all the time that she felt you needed..
Sometimes being heard, and a positive response are also anxiety-provoking.

As others have said in many threads, your T cares about your emotional well-being and she wants to, and needs to, experience you in any emotional state that arises. So, however you are feeling on the day of your appointment is just fine.

This is part of the trusting the process when it is hard to find trust and safety otherwise. Therapists understand all parts of the process and all parts are important.

EILEEN & ECHOS i know that i just cant go in and face her and how i feel i'm scared of what she will say not say do or not do or whatever all of this feels so big and out of controle i just cant deal.this past two weeks has just been such a spiraling mess and i have no idea how to stop it at all and i thnk my T thinks i do.i feel i am just distructing my life one part at a time .i feel horrable.i feel if i do go to T i may just loose it.i dont know what to do i am just hoping the answer will just come to me

(((((((((Granite))))))))))

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

She might say something that would completely take the pressure off of you, and would make you glad you came.

((((((granite)))))))

I'm scared about tomorrow.what if she doesn't call? or what if she does? i dont want tomorrow to come because i still dont know what to do i was kind of hoping that my head would be a bit clearer but it isnt

A good T will work with your non-clear head!

Something tells me it will hurt you more if she doesn't call

This worries me, because I am not sure you gave her enough info to warrant a call back. How would she know you are in such bad shape if you didn't tell her?

If she does call, can you give a small sentence to her? Something like "I'm a mess right now", or "it's really bad"??
She may surprise you, and be able to help you weed your way thru this awfulness.

(((granite))) let us know what happens...ok?