[granite1]

i am so thankfull for all the support i am getting here it is completely amazing and i love all of you.i hope what i am about to say wont offend anyone.i'm really feeling i need to say how i'm feeling in hopes that you all can give me some help in getting past this or atleast understand it more because it kind of hit me out of the blue.not something i antisipated.so hear it goes
i am terrifed of expectations big time.i somehow was able to push through all my crap and was able to respond to my T last monday.i talked and let her know some stuff that was going on.as we were speaking the phone rang and she accually answered it.said ok and hung up.she said to me that we had gone over and her next client was here.i quickly said sorry and jumped up to leave.she said it was her decision to go over and that she wanted to stike well the iron was hot.now i feel i should have felt good about this.most people would,but i didnt.i was angry.and scared.i wanted to tell her to never do that again.it really just added to all the horrableness i am feeling.didnt really know why.i then post about it here and i get so much support(again i say thanks)i see all this, way to go for talking,great job,now that you are talking...,instead of being able to accept this it is just making me more terrified.all i see is TALKING TALKING TALKING.people saying this is huge including my bff IRL who wanted to take me out for drinks to celebratei declined.believe it or not it was my husband who seemed to help me realize what was going on by just off the wall saying you are scared she will want you to speak next week. WTF he is right.I hear so much about breaking the ice and how it will get easier and all but this doesn't seem to be the case.it all seems to big.even T went over time she never does that.i will never be able to use words next week and i feel she is going to expect me to.i can hear everyone saying you already spoke whats the problem now.we know you can do it this is just stupid if you dont talk i see her getting real angry with me .it is all way to big for me to deal with.i am terrified about not talking even more then ever.i dont want to be i wanted so much to be able to go to T and just pick up whare i left off.now i quit.i dont know what i want help with.i guess i just trying to make some sence on how i can go from using words that is supose to be so awsome to not even being able to leave my house never mind ever showing my face in T ever again

[deliquesce]

oh, darling .

i dont really know what to say, other than i've been seeing pdoc for more than 5 years now and there are times i go in and am STILL SO TERRIFIED to talk and i just get caught inside my own head so much until im too paralysed to even nod or shake me head in response to his questions.

and it's been half a decade!!! but pdoc hasnt dropped me. T won't hate you either. she'll just feel good that you can talk, but she'll learn to be patient until you're ready to talk also.

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear granite, granite...........................................

I am not shouting at you dear, but email is limited in expression.

in therapy YOU GO AT YOUR OWN PACE. My T reminds me of this all the time.
T may have hopes that you will talk more, but if you are not ready to do it she won't be angry with you. They know how to wait. They know that pushing the issue can do more harm than good.

Please try not to feel pressured. It takes as long as it takes. I know you have heard that 1 million times around PC but it's really true. Granite it took me more than two years to take down the internal fence I built and my trust is still fluctuating majorly, and T is still there with me. Please be patient with yourself.

How about making up a little piece of paper that says, "I am feeling pressured" or "patience!!" or something of the kind, and carry that with you to just hold in the palm of your hand. Whenever you might feel that you're being pressured you could just hold up the paper. It's sort of like something they have used in the Army for people who are stressed but may not be able to say so out loud.

[Perna]

Relax, granite, you are in charge no matter what. You can speak or not speak, it's wholly your choice! You will do what you have to do for you. Nothing, especially new things, go along smoothly; we have to practice and it's a jerky process; one doesn't become good at a new skill right away. Think of it like learning to drive a stick shift car :-)

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

dear granite, granite...........................................

I am not shouting at you dear, but email is limited in expression.

in therapy YOU GO AT YOUR OWN PACE. My T reminds me of this all the time.
T may have hopes that you will talk more, but if you are not ready to do it she won't be angry with you. They know how to wait. They know that pushing the issue can do more harm than good.

Please try not to feel pressured. It takes as long as it takes. I know you have heard that 1 million times around PC but it's really true. Granite it took me more than two years to take down the internal fence I built and my trust is still fluctuating majorly, and T is still there with me. Please be patient with yourself.

How about making up a little piece of paper that says, "I am feeling pressured" or "patience!!" or something of the kind, and carry that with you to just hold in the palm of your hand. Whenever you might feel that you're being pressured you could just hold up the paper. It's sort of like something they have used in the Army for people who are stressed but may not be able to say so out loud.

I agree 100% with SAWE. I am close to 3 years with my T...and still have a very difficult time talking. Its been an issue since the beginning. In some respects its gotten easier; I don't feel like I'm going to throw up every time I still though have a hard time believing that she REALLY wants me there. I am frustrating! Its hard..I know, and yet, I continue to try.

Just last week my T told me (for the millionth time, by the way) "I am NOT kicking you out." And I looked at her and went "Ok. I'm going to try to believe that." and she said "You HAVE to believe it!" so emphatically that its hard for me NOT to. Dang T's!

Seriously, if you go in and can't talk next week, it will be ok. The amount of patience (good) T's have is amazing. Believe me. I more often than not have sessions where I speak about 2 sentences.

[jexa]

((((granite)))) I totally understand why this makes you scared -- now it feels like all these expectations, like, "Now I always have to talk in therapy." No no no, not at ALL. It's just good you were able to this ONE time -- you don't have to do it again if you don't feel safe. You don't have to do ANYthing. Like the others said, go at your own pace, no one else's! Not even T's.

[googley]

(((((Granite))))))

I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with my response to your talking. I totally know that doing it once doesn't make it easier. And it may take you a long time to talk again. That is totally okay. Your T will think it is okay too. I have one topic that my T and I have talked about once (and only a very very little- I gave her something I wrote about it and she read it and then talked about how hard it was to talk about). And we haven't gone back to that topic. That was almost nine months ago. But at the same time I think you should be congratulated on the enormous step you took. We have seen how much stress this has been causing you. I don't want to cause more stress by making you feel pressured to talk again because you have talked once. Go at your own pace. Your own pace has worked up to this point. It will continue to work.

[Sannah]

Granite, great analysis here! Many thanks to your hubby for helping you out with it!

Why were you upset that your T gave you extra time?

Originally Posted by granite1

i am terrifed of expectations big time.

Do you want to talk about this ^ some more? I think that it would be really helpful.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( granite ))))

Sorry I haven't been around much lately, but I have been thinking of you.

I think it's great that you spoke to T....imagine, a while ago, you never thought you could do it. But you did. That's huge.

And yes, it can be scary.

I have found that I go in waves....sometimes, I am able to share quite a bit...and other times, I shut down....

Remember that feelings just are. You are feeling scared right now, and that's ok. Just try to let the feeling be....experience it...accept it for what it is...and let it pass. Waves are like that, ya know?

[3velniai]

Originally Posted by granite1

I hear so much about breaking the ice and how it will get easier and all but this doesn't seem to be the case.

Originally Posted by granite1

i can hear everyone saying you already spoke whats the problem now.

Breaking the ice and things getting easier isn't something that just suddenly happens, it's a process. Sometimes it can take A LOT of time. Well, for me it did. It was the first step, and if you can't speak during your next appt, I'm sure T will understand. And it will get easier, it really will. You just need some time. Don't pressure yourself too much

I have a stupid, stupid question. Do you just have trouble talking in therapy or is it talking to people in general?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I have a stupid, stupid question. Do you just have trouble talking in therapy or is it talking to people in general?

this isnt a stupid question at all. for the most part i have a hard time talking in general.i avoid it at all cost but at the same time i can if i need to i just dont like to and i never say much but in therapy i just seem to freeze and am totally terrified and untrusting and i just cant open my mouth.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((Granite))))))

I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with my response to your talking. I totally know that doing it once doesn't make it easier. And it may take you a long time to talk again. That is totally okay. Your T will think it is okay too. I have one topic that my T and I have talked about once (and only a very very little- I gave her something I wrote about it and she read it and then talked about how hard it was to talk about). And we haven't gone back to that topic. That was almost nine months ago. But at the same time I think you should be congratulated on the enormous step you took. We have seen how much stress this has been causing you. I don't want to cause more stress by making you feel pressured to talk again because you have talked once. Go at your own pace. Your own pace has worked up to this point. It will continue to work.

oh my goodness googly you didnt add to my uncomfortableness at all none of you have reallyi love and respect every bit of advice i get from all of you and i never want to make anyone feel bad .i really just want to figure out what went on with me why i went from using words to quitting T.please dont think you did anything wrong i would hate that

[WikidPissah]

(((granite))) It is a HUGE amount of pressure to talk, and once you do, thinking you're expected to be a "talker" from now on. YIKES!!! I don't expect that from you, and I'm sure no one else does either...not even your T.

[granite1]

so many responces.i'm overwelmed and thanks all of you.i am calming down some now and god i hate being the person i am especially when i do this kind of thing.i am thinking of starting to look for a new T when i get back from my trip and no monday appointments.i'm not looking foward to starting over and who knows after my trip i may not want to go back to therapy.i just dont know i'm just trying not to freak out again

[iGottaBme]

Granite, I don't know how old you are but I am old enough to know that staying in your house can be very lonely.

In one of your earlier postings you mentioned that you get into therapy and cannot talk. Can you put yourself into your therapist's shoes? For example, you are an attorney. A client makes an appt. to see you and comes in. You ask how can you help and the client cannot talk because she is afraid. You want to be understanding because you understand that your client is under a great deal of stress. However there is work to do so at some point you have to bring your client to tell you what is wrong. I think that you put your therapist in this precarious situation because she is going to be seen as insensitive no matter what.

Can you visualize your therapist not hating you? Can you visualize your therapist being helpful and having a heart filled with generosity? Even if you quit, you need to see how your therapist has helped you, not just how she has hurt you. If it is any consolation, she is probally feeling misunderstood too.

I know that T is supposed to be about you only and I am not taking your Ts side. I am just asking that you look at both sides.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by granite1

she said it was her decision

Maybe this really triggered you? It could (along with striking while the iron is hot)(why couldn't she have said that differently) have sounded threatening to you or it could have made you suddently aware of the power difference betwee the T and the patient.
Sudden awareness has a way of alarming and scaring.

I think it began with your scaring yourself by talking . I remember that feeling, and the fear of "NOW what's gonna happen!?".

I really do think you are doing huge things and having huge awarenesses Knowing that you have a fear of expecations is something really good to know about yourself. It can become a comfort in time: "Oh, I'm feeling this way because of my fear of expecations." And then you can go further and explore your fear and the specific expectations or memories that brings up for you.

[JustAPixie]

Hi Granite.

Talking is never easy, there is no ice breaker, or small talk to make it easier, but like so many said before, it remains your choice, you go at your own pace. I wouldn't like it either if my T went over the time limit, I feel that I really need to know exactly to the second where the boundaries are, when it goes past an hour I get really nervous thinking of the next person, and paranoid that T will be mad at me for making all the sessions late. I want to know all the detail, I never come early or late, my watch is set to his and I show up on the minute that I have to be there. (All this was with my old T) Maybe you just need to tell her that you also need to stick to boundaries and times etc? I don't know if this applies to you, but it was the case for me... I never want to be a burden or "pt" for someone else.

Best of luck
Pix

[googley]

Granite-
I feel okay. I was just worried that I upset you. I always worry that I upset people, so that isn't something new. I just want you to be comfortable with sharing here and not feel pressured.

this isnt a stupid question at all. for the most part i have a hard time talking in general.i avoid it at all cost but at the same time i can if i need to i just dont like to and i never say much but in therapy i just seem to freeze and am totally terrified and untrusting and i just cant open my mouth.

Thank you for answering.

I am sorry you are hurting and having so much trouble with all of this. Don't give up.

[jexa]

I think part of what makes it hard to talk in therapy is KNOWING that you have this person's undivided attention. It can feel overwhelming when most of the time, people just don't notice us or the things we say. Most people in the world are not observant. And somehow that makes me feel safer than it would feel if I thought everyone was really listening to the things I say.

Another thing is that saying things in therapy is like.. holding up a mirror. Being honest in therapy means we have to be honest with ourselves -- and once we say something once to T, we can't go back into denial about it anymore.

To me, it makes sense that talking in T made you want to quit T.

All of these are reasons, granite, but you can be reassured.. the HARD work of therapy will eventually mean more room to breathe inside, and less of those days wanting to curl up and forget the world. Takes time and patience, ESPECIALLY patience with yourself. You are okay, granite. You will be okay.

You can go back to this T. Please don't feel you have to start over again. You should continue with THIS T, not a new one -- she's been patient with you and she'll continue to be! She will!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by jexa

Being honest in therapy means we have to be honest with ourselves -- and once we say something once to T, we can't go back into denial about it anymore.

It's funny you mentioned that, jexa....I totally told T something and then went back into denial mode later and am STILL in denial mode. It can happen!

(((((((((((granite))))))))))))))

My progress in therapy seems to come in waves. Especially earlier in therapy. So, I would have this big session where I did something scary that I never could have done before (like you talking), and then I would be scared that T would expect me to be like that always, but it was ALWAYS OKAY for me to just be however I was at the next session. And it's still always okay for me to be how I am. I've had a very very very hard time talking lately, and I will literally just sit there silently while T asks questions, not even nodding or shaking my head. And I've been seeing him for 3 years and am VERY comfortable with him and with our relationship. Sometimes it's JUST TOO HARD.

It is okay for you to be however you are at your next session. Both of these things can be true: it was brave and good of you to talk in your session AND you don't have to do it again until you're ready. Both.

You are doing fine, really and truly. Be gentle with you

[WePow]

(((((((Granite))))))))) just keep trying... keep on showing up. That really is so important to just be there for right now.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am thinking of starting to look for a new T when i get back from my trip and no monday appointments.i'm not looking foward to starting over and who knows after my trip i may not want to go back to therapy.

Granite, please do not run from this.