[googley]

I miss my T. I saw her this morning, and see her again on Tuesday. But I miss her. I'm feeling lonely.

I told her today that I wished that she could be my mom. I think she wanted me to say more. Because she sat there seeing if I would fill the silence with words. I wish she was my mom because then she would love me and take care of me. And I wouldn't feel bad for calling her when I was having a hard time. And then she would give me hugs and I wouldn't feel so alone. Then I would have a mom who wouldn't intentionally hurt me. And then I could go home with her and not be alone. Of course, I wasn't able to say any of this other stuff.

I told her I feel all beat up inside. Like an omelet. She said that omelets taste good. I told her I actually don't like omelets, i like my eggs hard fried. LOL.

It hurts.


I feel like I don't deserve support.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by googley

I miss my T. I saw her this morning, and see her again on Tuesday. But I miss her. I'm feeling lonely.

I told her today that I wished that she could be my mom. I think she wanted me to say more. Because she sat there seeing if I would fill the silence with words.
It hurts.


.

Or perhaps she was just "being" there with you in the silence?

(((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))))

You deserve support ... and love and caring and good things.

Good for you for telling T you wish she could be your mom. One of the most painful parts of therapy for me has been realizing what I missed out on, and getting just a taste of that from T. I've asked him quite a few times to take me home with him As painful as that is, expressing it, and accepting the love that is there that we CAN have, is healing.

I hope Tuesday comes quickly.

[WePow]

(((((Googley))))))) There is no way to fill the hole left in us by the past. A part of healing is to allow the self to grieve what was lost. This is the part that hurts the most.

I think sometimes when T is THERE for us, it just highlights even more what we did NOT have as children.

That can cause us to really long for our past hole to just not be there. Maybe this is part of where your pain is comming from?

[jexa]

(((((((((googley)))))))))))))

[googley]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Or perhaps she was just "being" there with you in the silence?

I wasn't unhappy or upset that she sat there seeing if I was going to add anything. I kind of wanted to, but it was too much. It was somewhat overwhelming just to say that. I really just wanted to hide.

I feel like a freak.

I have all these things going on in my head. And they make me feel even more like a freak.

I just want all the bad/scary thoughts to go away. They are too bad to talk about. I feel like they should never come to light. If I could just make them stop then it would be better. But I know that my T would rather I talk to her about it.

It's all too humiliating.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( googley )))))))))))))))

[jexa]

googley I know what you mean.

You know what my T told me? She told me that when I worry so much about whether the things I think are crazy or not, that I just make them bigger and bigger and bigger. She says everyone thinks things that are a little "crazy" and that bringing them into the light shows you what those thoughts really are -- they're not so big and monstrous. They just are.

[zooropa]

googley, I have often thought that I wish T could be my mom. I have never been, would never be, brave enough to say it out loud to her, though. You are stronger and more courageous than you think.

[rainbow8]

I think you are very brave too, Googley. It makes you vulnerable to tell your T what's deepest in your heart, especially feelings about T. I know how it feels. Good and bad and scary, but it's where healing comes from.

[sugahorse1]

I started touching this topic with my T last Friday, and I was equally anxious. T wants me to carry on opening up - arg, it is scary - I can totally relate

[peaches100]

Hi Googley,

I know the pain of wanting t to be my mom -- and also how her niceness makes me realize what i missed out on with my own mom. It's SO hard! I broke down crying once and said "I wish you could have been my mom!" She was very kind. She said, "I can't be your mom, but i can do some things for you that a mom would do."