wilfully caught up in victimhood

Reflecting on some of your other posts on this thread....

If you don't bring it up and express your thoughts and feelings about it....then you are avoiding this issue and being "caught up in victimhood" about it. You prove him wrong for this issue by taking it up head-on with him and letting him know what you think and what you need from him re: the way he treats (no pun intended) you.

Aside from that, who knows what he really meant? There's some speculation involved right now, and having him explain himself better/clarify might show that what he meant isn't as harsh as it seems given the way he put it.....or maybe not. But by being assertive about it you're certainly not a victim for this issue.

(And it's not like you don't assert yourself ever--you seem to do it a lot with him, so he presented you with a gross overgeneralization, didn't he?)

Deli, You're right, it's very hard being stuck in difficult stories, and it's also very hard to change the stories, for a variety of reasons.

Take care,
-Far

But sometimes T's do not say it in a way that you can see what he (she) means, and that it is true. I think they need to think about that, and do it better.

I relate to this!

What helps me in a situation such as this is to think to myself

"You might be safe. Check it out (internally). Assess the situation. Be watchful; think about it; that is feeling your value, that your safety is important, you are worth being safe, and at least mentally checking to see if you are."

If you think maybe it is safe, then you can take a step. Just one. Check that out. You are worth it. Try another step IF it seems safe.

The reason I have had to go through this is that my mother would always push us. She would never give us the chance to make an assessment ourselves. Any expression of anxiety on our parts would be met with anger and a greater impulse to force us harder. She could not stand to see us afraid.

I also relate to this...
"deliquesce
thing is, i'm pedantic. i see things in a lot more detail than most other people do, so i anticipate more objections, or need more clarification. my thinking style needs all the details filled in before i can see the big picture."

and i would say -like Pachy - try " I CAN feel safe". that's the one I do. I CAN feel safe. doesn't mean i do... doesn't me i'm faking it... means that sometimes and some day i might and i might even practice this right now.

Going off what Phoenix said - i think a hard thing for me (and i SO SO SO want to heal and actually do well in life), is that I don't know the past. I know the present and I know "why". But I have no ownership of the crap. And being a person who has to have all the details of the picture filled in to see the whole - it goes against my grain to hear "Let go of the past and move forward". Move forward from what? What past? I'm still collecting testimony from people and un-turning rocks that used to be solid and are now lies. If I let go of it, then who am I? I don't even know who I am now!! I have no furture, i have a past taped together of lies that are coming apart... what is my identity?
I think what I am saying is that FOR ME there has to be a blending of learning the truth and moving into the present/future health. I can't just drop myself- my former image and the image that is presently emerging or i would lose my only anchor. Clearly I survived, so there is something in there I don't want to lose. Am i making any sense? I want to alchemy the past that is currenly reforming INTO a healthy present and maintain my story but OWN the story rather than it owning and controlling me. I just don't know how to do that yet, and T would prefer i did it a little faster.
yeah?

I appreciate this thread.It is helpful.I wonder if it is disturbing due to the possibility that it had a ring of truth?I only say because,I find that when something touches me to where it upsets me ,I always think I should ponder and be introspective.

thanks, lissangil. i spoke about this with my pdoc last week. it's not that it has a ring of truth, but we figured my mother used to say things like this to me a lot when i was younger ("you're just being lazy", "not trying hard enough" etc) and it touched the same nerve. it is kind of embarrassing that my pdoc knows me well enough to say "that's just like your mum!" but it feels comfortable also.

hahah, impy, thanks for this. even when i was posting the thread to begin with i was having this thought in the back of my mind. thing is, i've told him this so often and still he doesn't believe me. i'm upset because it's something that comes up every now and again and derails the real issues i'm in therapy for. i'm angry that his disbelief is something i need to address - it's austin-t's issue, not mine. so i'm at this point where i kind of can't be bothered bringing it up anymore, because i hate wasting time on it. if austin-t won't believe me then maybe he would believe pdoc. pdoc did tell me to bring it up with austin-t again, and that if austin-t was still resistant that pdoc would have a word also.

that's another thing that upsets me about austin-t - that he's willing to take pdoc's word for things above my own. in a way i'm just like *shrug*, but it's very hard to trust someone when you're just seeing distrust being thrown back at you. this last bit is something i haven't told him before, though - maybe i will next time. i'm having heaps of trauma stuff churning inside me right now, and i DO want to talk about it, but i can't with austin-t because i don't feel safe with him, even though i keep trying.

thanks for this suggestion, pach. my particular problem is that i need to stop being watchful, because i am TOO watchful, too mentally alert. but telling myself that i might be safe might actually help . it's something i will remember and try next time.