[skeksi]

T has spent a long time getting me to reach out for comfort and reassurance, and I can do that pretty good now. So he's (gently) redirecting me to comfort myself, to reassure myself. It sucks because my knee-jerk reaction is:

I will never tell him anything again, I'll never ask for anything again, it was so stupid to get tricked into opening up when he never wanted to be there for me to begin with, I am just going to keep my MOUTH SHUT, I can take care of myself just fine like I always have.

Holy overreaction! I was so upset at this suggestion. Probably because part of me (the child part) is perceiving T as pushing me away. I finally have someone who cares and now he's telling me to care for myself? That's maddening. That little part of me that wants T there to care for me probably wants that forever, though, and that's not going to help me in the long run.

I also think some of it is a reminder: T suggested that I phrase something differently in order to see it differently, and my abuser used to make me apologize for things using his words exactly. Yuck.

But mostly, this is just UGH UGH UGH. I am done talking about the trauma but now it's all about how my brain has changed because of it, how I react to things. It's scary because it feels like ME. What I mean is, when I get scared by something--say, my anger--it feels so real and valid I can't see outside of it to see that my fear is a reaction rooted in the trauma. Learning to talk myself down from those scary places is...well, scary.

((((((((((skeski)))))))))))

When my T started talking about me comforting myself, I felt that way too. Pushed away. But I tried it out of desperation, and there have been times that it's worked. And, it turns out, T is still there for me too...so instead of something being taken away (T's caring), something has been added. I've never had anyone take care of me before T, so I wouldn't have had any idea where to start taking care of myself before. T's caring has taught me that I deserve to be cared for, and that it's OKAY to be cared for...and that makes it a *little* easier to care for myself.

And yeah...the reactions rooted in trauma are scary. I do that too - and it DOES feel SOOOOOO real and based in the present. My H has gotten good at saying "this is not about what's happening now" and it does make me take a step back and notice....but he's not always around, and it's still kind of a confusing mess for me when it happens.

Things sound hard right now, skeski.

[REEG]

Seski, Tree- I hear you! Had a few days where I really was in a bad space, and I called T. She was so patient, and spent about ten minutes providing reassurance, reminding me that I'm okay now and encouraging self care. At first, all I heard was that she was not available today, and my first response was to hang up and say well fine then, I'll just deal! ... but after we talked awhile, it was like Tree says- it's BOTH. So today I did a few things to comfort me AND T will be there for me on Thursday.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by skeksi

T has spent a long time getting me to reach out for comfort and reassurance, and I can do that pretty good now. So he's (gently) redirecting me to comfort myself, to reassure myself. It sucks because my knee-jerk reaction is:

I will never tell him anything again, I'll never ask for anything again, it was so stupid to get tricked into opening up when he never wanted to be there for me to begin with, I am just going to keep my MOUTH SHUT, I can take care of myself just fine like I always have.

Holy overreaction! I was so upset at this suggestion. Probably because part of me (the child part) is perceiving T as pushing me away. I finally have someone who cares and now he's telling me to care for myself? That's maddening. That little part of me that wants T there to care for me probably wants that forever, though, and that's not going to help me in the long run.

I also think some of it is a reminder: T suggested that I phrase something differently in order to see it differently, and my abuser used to make me apologize for things using his words exactly. Yuck.

But mostly, this is just UGH UGH UGH. I am done talking about the trauma but now it's all about how my brain has changed because of it, how I react to things. It's scary because it feels like ME. What I mean is, when I get scared by something--say, my anger--it feels so real and valid I can't see outside of it to see that my fear is a reaction rooted in the trauma. Learning to talk myself down from those scary places is...well, scary.

thats definitely a tough process to go through. i just want to suggest that there is the possibility that that both you AND your therapist can be there for you, support you and comfort you. why does it have to be one or the other? just because you learn to self-soothe doesnt mean that no one else in the world will ever soothe you again....thats not the way it works. maybe if you can make room for that idea, your anger may subside a bit?

that said, i think its important to talk to your therapist about all the stuff it brings up for you (not saying that you dont already!), even the stuff about not wanting to bring stuff up anymore. you seem to have a lot of insight! thats only going to do you good in this process.

[Sannah]

Skeksi, can you also tie this into the past where you weren't comforted? It sounds like you are being triggered and to stop triggering you have to find the source of the trigger and work on it.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I've never had anyone take care of me before T, so I wouldn't have had any idea where to start taking care of myself before.

Tree, it helps to know you've gone through the same thing. I'm always so prone to thinking I'm a freak! But I like your idea that T has been modeling for me how to care for myself. I know that the end goal is for me to do it. Maybe I'm scared of that because I'm afraid it will be like when I was a kid and had to take care of myself and nobody stepped in to help stop the abuse even when I asked for help. But maybe it can be different now.

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

i just want to suggest that there is the possibility that that both you AND your therapist can be there for you, support you and comfort you. why does it have to be one or the other? just because you learn to self-soothe doesnt mean that no one else in the world will ever soothe you again....thats not the way it works. maybe if you can make room for that idea, your anger may subside a bit?

Yeah, both/and not either/or. I think I fall back into the all or nothing because that's how it USED to be. It's hard to figure out how to do things differently after so many years.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Skeksi, can you also tie this into the past where you weren't comforted? It sounds like you are being triggered and to stop triggering you have to find the source of the trigger and work on it.

Good point, Sannah. I have been getting triggered like crazy by so much. T encourages me to reach out to him but also to reassure myself, which--as you say--is another trigger.

I didn't realize until writing this that it was bringing up so much kid stuff about taking care of myself. That's something big to take in to T. Thanks, guys, for your tremendous insight