[Melbadaze]

Talked today about me not understanding and yet understanding the break, T said yes you understand on the cognative level, but the feelings underneath dont understand. I said I feel like a little kid throwing a tantrum. T said did you ever throw a tantrum when you were small? I had to stop and think, I said I thought I had, it seems like I did in my head, but now I think about it no, I knew better then to throw a tantrum so I would hold all the anger inside of me. T said yes and when no one sees whats happening inside of you and you are left alone with those feelings they seem unmanagable.

As we talked I was getting that flashing thing going on, where you are mixing up the now with the past, and I said I dont understand why I can't just see that here is different to my past? I said its like I need it to be the same as how it was growing up but why? T said because the part of you that needs to protect you from the impact of the past needs it to be the same. That really hit home, I nodded in agreement as she was saying that. I said I feel like I've this windows in my head that are dirty and I'm being asked to clean them to see outside but each time I do they get dirty again, T said perhaps try cleaning them a bit at a time?

I feels so text book saying I'm afraid of letting go of the past and being open to a new experience, but thats just how it feels right now, T said its because I am afraid if I grab hold on whats to be had with us then I am afraid I will destroy it and she will turn into my mother and no matter how much she tells me she won't I still believe it because its so ingrained, but she said I think you must hold onto some of it because I trust her enouht to talk to her about it, and I turn up every wk.

I talked about how some people in recovery have gone back to their mothers able to make some sort of go of it now knowing its not about them, but I said I feel different its made me even more not want to be any part of my mothers toxicity, I just can't bear it, I dont care if I am stronger and know its her stuff not mine, I just dont want to be near it even more now!

I can feel a layer of the Onion being peeled and its scary its revealing something deeper underneath, its revealing to me what it was like for me growing up on an emotional level, making it more real, I can tell that and I never thought I'd be afraid but it is scary. I fee like I've got one foot in the past and one foot in the now, perhaps its because of the foot in the now with T that I am able to put the other foot into the past a little bit more.

[sugahorse1]

We spoke about my childhood emotions today too - maybe trying to find something or somewhere that there was an emotional breakdown between me and my parents.
It's painful to go back... Even though it was a "happy" childhood.
I also managed to discuss some very personal and embarrassing issues with T, so it was good. I think it was because I am slightly hypomanic, that it was so much easier to just go with the flow. My head was spinning on all levels tho, so it was a way too short session.
But I think it was good

[Sannah]

All we know is what we learned. How can you let go of something that is such a part of you until you work through it and understand it and move past it. This that happened to you caused feelings within you and they are still with you. They must be worked through.

[WePow]

((((Melba))))) You did excellent work - very very deep work.