[Elana05]

Feeling so horrible today.
I have gotten mixed messages about whether it is OK to call T.
But I felt so awful I called her anyway.
I left 2 messages. And I feel like I'm asking for too much... I asked her if she could just call back and leave me a message telling me I did not break it, and that everything is going to be OK. But she has said in the past that she doesn't want me to make this a habit, that she can't replace the voices of my parents. (Imo, isn't that what she's supposed to do?)
I just feel like I have no where else to turn.
I hate it.
She is a good T, but this not knowing if it's OK... I mean, what else am I supposed to do??

Just feeling like it's never enough today.
I can give and give... and it's never enough.

[googley]

((((((((((Elana)))))))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Elana, it is OK to call yr T; even if she has a rule about it, there are times when you have to reach out to her.
About replacing the voice of your parents, this sounds like something that she should explain better, so that you understand and have a chance to ask questions. You have a right to know what to do.

[seventyeight]

hi elana, i'm going through the same thing. i was going to post about it, but i'll just tag on to yours if that's ok..

i used to have a "you can call 50 times a day" policy with my therapist. we've been working together for over 1.5 years, and i've called a handful of times. recently, i've been calling a lot more, and eventually, she added, "if it's a crisis" to the 50/day policy. i stopped calling her for a few weeks, but i've been calling again.

just yesterday, i called and needed to talk to her, but gave her the option of calling me back either last night or today. she finally called today, but i'm so hurt that she didn't call yesterday. i know it's not much, but it really hurts. i feel like she doesn't care, even though i know that's not the case. not to mention, she called and addressed herself by first and last name - something that irks me, and have told her so. i told her it makes me feel very disconnected from her.

at any rate, i guess i don't have a point. i agree with sawe though, it's ok to call your therapist if you need to.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

just yesterday, i called and needed to talk to her, but gave her the option of calling me back either last night or today. she finally called today, but i'm so hurt that she didn't call yesterday...

Hi Seventyeight,

I am familiar with this. I called my T a few weeks ago and said something similar... I think I said, "You don't have to call me back, I would like you to but if you are busy then you don't have to." (Mixed messages). So she didn't call. Ack. I was sooo sad. But when I got to the next session she said, "You have to ask for what you need. You said I didn't have to call back, so I didn't." Ugh. At the time I was pissed. But it has gotten me to try harder to ask for what I need. So today when I was a *little* more clear and said, "I would like for you to call me back. If you are too busy, I will understand, but I would like to hear from you." It's tiring. I know this comes from my wanting to take up as little space as possible. But I think I get it...
Maybe your T wants you to be specific... To say "call me today, please!" if you need her to call.
On the other hand I know T's are only human. Sometimes they just don't get to messages until late or until the next day... which feels so unfair.

[Elana05]

Update... She called back right away. Yay! She left a great message. I think I'll keep it on my phone forever. I know I still have to ask her about calls and what's up with them... But she heard me and offered support and advice which really helped so much. I was supposed to be up and driving a long distance this morning but I couldn't move, honestly. After her call I found enough energy to get going.

(((((((((((((Elana05)))))))))))))))

I'm SO glad your T called

Learning to ask for what I need (and recognize what I need) has been a huge lesson for me in therapy....and learning to do it in therapy has helped me learn to do it more in real life. It's such a gift to FINALLY be able to have our needs met.

A phone message is a wonderful thing to have to hang on to

[granite1]

i'm so glad your T called you back.it is hard to learn to be our own advocate sometimes and really frustrating also.great job

[WePow]

You guys are spot-on. My T had to teach me that lesson - that I had to learn how to ASK for a NEED and not just assume he knew. A baby will CRY (a healthy baby) and they demand that the parent feeds them or changes them. A good parent knows the difference between demands of need and cries of want. They know how to answer needs while not responding to every want because that creates big problems later on.

Our T's are trying to often fix what some parents didn't do the right way. So yep, we have to learn how to cry all over again. And that is no fun at all. But now we have words. My T said it is called "finding our voice" . Like the session that happened Friday, I did not just say I wanted one, I told my T that I NEEDED it. But sometimes I say that about wants because I don't know the difference. It was frieghtening to ask for it. And after I found out he really was not going to be in the office, I thought for sure my need would not be met.

The shock came because he did meet my need. And his meeting my need was a priceless gift to me. He went out of his way to be the "good father" who would drop everything to go help a child if thy really could do it and it was a need.

It is very frieghtening to learn how to ask for our needs. But it is a very important life skill that we need. Most of the people in the world walk around expecting needs to be met and most wounded people expect needs to not be met. There is a nice balane of maturity that we are learning from our T's. And living a balanced emotional life is worth the work we put into it now.

So good for you for asking for what you need and for being very clear about that need. And keep on doing it! Also, if you NEED something that T does not respond to, bring it up and clarify. Sometimes T can make a mistake (like what mine did with the email a few weeks ago), but a good T - like a good parent - will appologize and will assure you that you are still cared about and that they will try harder to be there when they can. But the bottom line is to always work extra extra hard to BE HONEST.
That is what makes the difference in therapy.