Trusting T

my t has asked me a few times how i feel about how therapy is going. to me that means she isnt sure it is going to work out.

im so afraid she might decide to end it. so in order to do what i think would please her i sent her a long email the other day. i wasnt really ready to share but felt i needed to so she would think i was beginning to trust her. in it i told a lot about a certain event. maybe too much.

t responded kindly and now thinks i am trusting her a bit. but i want to push away. not tell anything more. just be silent and non responsive. i want to get as far away from this place of trust as i can.

but therapy is all about trust and honesty. maybe i should save her alot of time and trouble and just quit. i dont know if i will ever really trust and im not good at the honesty thing either.

(((((( Suzzie )))))) Trust is such a funny little creature. It is not really just one sided. You are learning to trust your T, and T knows that. But trust is also about you learning how to trust your own ability to respond to things in the relationship with T.

There can be a lot of fear when a person is starting to build trust with a T because we are not sure how they will respond to certain bits of information we share. At the same time, how will it make us feel if T responds in a certain way? We are investing in the T relationship and there is a fear of doing something wrong and having it all fall apart.

The good thing about the T relationship is that the job of a T is to know how to be the glue. They are trained to allow us to go through the relationship ups and downs while still holding it together FOR us.

Keep on just being honest with T about all of this. Trust is not something you just have or can purchase. It is something that has to grow and bloom in a natural way.

((((((((((((((suzzie)))))))))))))))))

How long have you been with T? It took me years - literally - to really trust my T. I see him twice a week, so we are talking a LOT of therapy hours. For some (probably lots) of us, trust is incredibly difficult. Our therapists know that.

I don't think we can "force" ourselves into trusting. For me, it took lots and lots and lots and lots of baby steps. I took small risks, trusting him with little bits of information, little bits of my story and my Self, and he earned my trust gradually by handling each bit I handed him with respect and caring and grace.

I used to be TERRIFIED that T would refer me. Can you ask her if she is going to tell you to go away? I asked my T over and over and over again and he was so patient, and eventually, I realized I was still there and I started to believe he really would work with me for as long as I needed him to.

It's hard to not try to read T's mind. If you're not sure what she means (does she mean she's thinking of not working with you? is she asking you to disclose something? is she really just curious about how you think the therapy is going?), ask her. It's hard to do, but such a relief to know what's *really* going on and to not have to guess.

to you. Therapy is hard

suzzie, yes it does all seem a scary prospect when we first begin an intimate relationship, but whats the alternative? Living a fake life? Because along with learning to trust comes maturity, without that we are prone to live the life of an adult child and thats not a pretty picture.

ive been in therapy for 4 months. im just getting a little paranoid about it right now. all of a sudden it seems like too much and i just want to back off. dont know why i thought therapy would be a good idea. i want to go back to keeping it all in my head. only thats hard to deal with too. but the trust seems like a risk. a risk i might fall for and then what...

as much as i know t is safe, i think t is a risk to be careful with and watch out for.

"as much as i know t is safe, i think t is a risk to be careful with and watch out for"

I think this is true. For so many of us, words have meant nothing. For a T to say "trust me" (or some other form of such) really is worthless. People in our past - or even present - have used words that have meant nothing. People can say anything and it can mean nothing. Trust from a T has to be earned by the T saying that he/she is trustworthy, and then proving that he/she is through action. I think this is the only way that some of us will ever learn to trust. For me, words mean nothing. If my T says "I'm here until you don't need me anymore." I don't believe it. I just don't. But she keeps showing up week after week, no matter what I tell her, no matter what "bad" things I reveal about myself - she doesn't go away. Little by little, I'm beginning to trust that maybe she won't go away. Trust doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. I never dreamed my T would still want to work with me after she heard some of my CSA stuff, but she is still there. She still cares. It's not just the fact that she SAYS she does, but she shows me that. I think you do need to be careful, but you also have to take those baby steps and see what happens. Make your T earn your trust, but give your T opportunities to show he/she is trustworthy. It's SO hard, but I think it's healing as well to find someone who really is worthy of trust.

first - checking in to see how the client thinks therapy is going is about making sure you are doing what the person NEEDS and not just what you were taught in school. i dont imagine she wants to waste your time (and money) anymore than you wish to waste her time. figuring out if the current treatment is working for you is just good therapy.

second - trust is important and cant be forced. if you push yourself in this way, in an effort to give your therapist what you think she wants, you may do more than youre ready for. it might not be healthy for you. be careful

third - what any (good) therapist wants is for you to be honest. thats my opinion anyway...otherwise you will never get what you need from therapy...

Dr. Muffin, first - i never would have realized that in a million years. thank you. it makes total sense. i thought that i was being too resistant and she might be considering that terminating would be best since i wasnt trying.
second - this is a really bad habit of mine. i tend to please at any cost. i just keep pleasing until it works. i dont do it on purpose. more like auto pilot and survival. like i need to be sure the person is happy. stupid habit. i will try to watch it but i think its a part of how i keep safe.
third - i do try to be honest and hope i will be. but i tend to say what i think the other person wants to hear. that is hard for me not to do. again a safety thing.

suzzie its not a stupid habit...it sounds like something you HAD to do as a matter of survival, in your past. acknowledging that it was useful at one point is important...its not helpful to you now, but its a hard habit to break. its not stupid, its just no longer useful....maybe if you keep saying to yourself that what she WANTS to hear is what i really think/feel, it might get easier?

i imagine its probably super exhausting for you to spend so much time trying to figure out and be what other people want. im sorry youve had to do that in your life and i hope you can slowly begin to shift the focus to what YOU want and who YOU are. *hugs*

thank you