T today - SO sad

I left therapy in tears today. Ugh.

The last FOUR sessions (including today), I have been late for therapy. Usually about 5 minutes late, except for the other night when there were big traffic issues and I was about 15 minutes late. I was thinking about it this morning while I was driving to session....in three years, I've never really been late, until now. I was wondering why. I guess the stuff we're talking about is so deep and confusing, part of me just doesn't even want to try to do it.

So I said to T when I got there "I've noticed this is the fourth session in a row that I've been late for". And he said that before I showed up, he was thinking the same thing. And then he said that he was also thinking about the fact that my sessions always run over...that when we started, we ended at 50 minutes, and that now it's almost always an hour, or even a few minutes more, and that sometimes it cuts into other client's time.

He started wondering out loud what that was about. He said that maybe it's because he wants to show me that he cares - not just say it, but show it. Or maybe he's trying to accommodate me, because I always come and work really hard while I'm there.

What *I* heard was "I just realized that I've accidentally been giving you something nice, and I'm going to take it away". I did tell him that.

The session sucked. We got a little bit into how the CSA ties into my inability to believe in love, or to allow myself to be loved. So THAT sucked, a ton. I remember saying something like "and then there's this 50 minute thing" and I don't know what happened after that, but I remember not being able to feel my feet and asking T if we could do something different. It feels like we spent about FOREVER getting me grounded.

I was super aware of the time, and wanted nothing more than to get out of there at the 50 minute mark. When we were doing the receipt/check, I started CRYING, blah, and said "I'm so sad". After a few minutes, T said "I don't know why I want to say this, but I want to say that that sadness belongs to the past". I don't know if it does. I think it might belong to now, but I didn't say that, because I just wanted to leave.

I didn't call to ask for a message, and I'm not going to. For the first time in YEARS. I just can't.

Here's the thing.

1. I feel like I've been stealing T's love. Like I somehow tricked him, and he accidentally gave me more than he was supposed to. Which is why I don't want to call for the message. I don't want to steal any more love from T. It's like I'm my perpetrator, stealing something that's not supposed to be mine. It makes me sick.

2. I feel like T loosened up the boundaries, and I don't know what that means. He is so so so so safe, and it's almost like he looked up and was like "whoops!". I don't know how to explain it, but just...

3. I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so sad. It just adds to all of my confusion about love and caring, and what it is, and if I'm allowed to have it, and if I DESERVE to have it, and a million other things.

I feel SICK.

ETA: T didn't say anything like "we need to get this session time thing back on track" or whatever. But obviously, that's what will happen. And what should happen. I think the main thing is that this makes me feel like my perp. I think. I don't know.

HELP.

I can relate and I am so sorry. I just don't know what to say to help you feel better. I think he does love you. It's obvious, but it's also hard for you to accept and feel love. You spent many many years not dealing with it and it will take some time to truly heal. I think. Hugs

I'm sorry tree.

It's hard for me to feel like I deserve anything, much less love, so I think I do understand a little bit of what you feel.

Remember though, you can't "steal" something that is being given freely, as a gift. And, I think the love from your T is just that...a gift given freely.

Gentle hugs tree...

(((Dearest Tree)))

"He started wondering out loud what that was about. He said that maybe it's because he wants to show me that he cares - not just say it, but show it. Or maybe he's trying to accommodate me, because I always come and work really hard while I'm there..."

I can relate too. This work gets so confusing and uncomfortable at times.
... just a thought but at the times when I have felt such a profound sadness I have later discovered a lot of anger there. Do you think there is a chance you might feel really, really pi%@ed off at T? For not having the time boundaries he needed to have? For making you feel like he was giving you this time but then making you feel guilty for taking it? This is confusing... actally it makes me feel angry for you, grrr.
He is the one who is in the place of being responsible for the time. I hope you can talk to him about this...

E

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. That really sucks. I agree with the others. You were accepting something (t's time) that he was willing to give. You were not stealing it. It is up to T to keep his boundaries. I wish he had mentioned that thing about the time in a way that did not leave you feeling guilty. I hope that you are able to talk to T about this next time. This is one of the reasons that Ts are supposed to keep their boundaries solid. They can be confusing and hurt when they are changed around.

Please take care of yourself. You are worth it.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. It sounds so painful and sad.

I wanted to say that you absolutely were *not* stealing his love. He gave it to you. I'm so sorry that he's now confusing that gift of extra time and making it sound like an accident. I do understand how much that hurts.

Can you try to hold onto some of the solidity of your relationship, and the certainty of his love for you- which came from more than those extra 10 minutes each week? Maybe not at the moment- and that's ok.

I hope he leaves you a message even if you don't leave him one.

(((( HUGS ))))

I hope you will raise this with T when you next see him. It seems super important, and I'm sure he will help you through this....

(((((((Tree))))))))


I am at work right now- but thinking of you. I will write to you later. Hang in there kid.

why does he have to show you he loves you by running late? I think somewhere inside that would set up a feeling of unreality, ie if his putting you in front of other clients by cutting into their time, as nice as that feels on the surface, underneath I think that would create a feeling of walking on egg shells, like what if suddenly he started wanting to show his "love " to someone else and then had to cut into your time, boundaries are their for a reason, showing love doesnt mean one has to cut into someone elses time, perhaps his feeling unsure of what to do next and has put the onus of responsiblity and failure on to you? Nah it aint' right, you dont show love like that, love stands out on its own, its about how you feel about someone within normal boundaries and limits, I'd be all over the place too.

I don't know what to say tree because ughh idk this is a difficult topic for me, too. But just wanted to send some hugs.

Just wanted to say, because it wasn't clear before, that I cut into a couple's time by about 5 minutes on Tuesday. Usually when I leave there is no one in the waiting room, so I don't know if there is no one after me, or that person is late, or what.

I don't thing t was saying "I am showing my love by running over time". I think we both just noticed that the time has been weird for our last four appts, and were just having an honest discussion about it. T is very good at looking at his part in things, and he would never pretend to be perfect, so if he made a mistake, he would admit it and fix it.

We do almost alway go for 55 mins, though, sometimes 60. I never thought anything about it, because like I told him today, I don't know what happens with his other clients. I assumed it was the same for everyone.

This is all getting REALLY messy and jumbled in my head.

I know everyone is tired of me talking abbot the same **** though, so I'll shut up. Sorry.

(((Tree))) Please keep posting and I'm wishing you comfort. We are here for you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

((((((tree))))))

You hate PC or your life right now? I'm sorry you're so sad after your session.

Everyone deserves love. I have a hard time accepting it, too sometimes. Try to love yourself. It will help. As far as taking too much time, that's the T's problem, not yours. Also, remember that you pay for his time, so you do indeed deserve it. It's not just that, though. You deserve it because you are a person with feelings and smarts and everything else good. You deserve it. Keep telling yourself that.

(((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))))

I'm getting the feeling that you're in a super-spiral right now.
And it does seem like the situation is a bit complicated. I wish I could make it better, and I don't want to say a bunch of stuff you already know.

Could it be belong to both the past and the present?

I agree like what someone else posted, which seems to have been deleted, that said you are nothing like a perp. A perp is manipulative and conniving and aims to hurt another person for their own personal gratification. A perp is someone who has power either physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, intellectually, etc. You are making yourself completely vulnerable when you go into to T. I'm not saying this nearly as good as the other post did, but you get my point.

My T runs late a lot. Whenever she runs late with the person in front of me, she always makes up the time. If she takes me in at 6:15, she lets me stay until 7:15. Sometimes, she will spend extra time with me if I need it, and if my appointment runs late, I assume she does the same thing with the person after me. Maybe time isn't such a rigid boundary with your T, because you know, it doesn't HAVE to be.

It sounds like this has been a big trigger, and it has brought up lots of good stuff that needs to be worked through. That is actualy a good thing, because it happened with your T who is so safe and caring.

It also sees like you are jumping to a lot of negative conclusions without having all the information. That is understandable based on your past experiences, but maybe it can stop (or slow) the spiral a little bit if you can try to ground yourself in the present and think about the good things about your T, and how much he has been with you for, and the ruptures you've had in the past which have been fixed.

No one's getting tired of you Treehouse.
Keep posting as much as you need to.

ETA: Sorry if this isn't helpful. Hugs

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))) I think the moon must be in anti-T phase or something like that. It feels like this week many people are not having the sessions they usually have. Even mine yesterday left me in agony about something I can't talk about. I told T and asked for a reply in email. He told me the email had a lot to it and he would reply today but of course no eamil yet. I do see him tommorow but it is very deep stuff and I needed to be more able to trust this part - but now I can't.... IDK.

Sorry, did not mean to talk about that stuff on your post - I just wanted to say that I really do think something is in the water or something !!!! It is like I wish our Ts would go back to being normal Ts or something.

So sorry you are hurting!

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

I'm not getting tired of you! If people are, then they don't have to read. You are not imposing on anyone! We are here to support you.

(((((((tree)))))))
I love you. I am sorry you're hurting. I don't have much to give right now but I wanted you to know that I'm here and I care about you, and don't give up.

(((((((((PC)))))))

Darkrunner, you are so right, I was soooooooooo spiraling.

I took a klonopin and went to my meditation meeting and left a message for T. Because he is the only one who can actually help me sort this out.

I hate how hard this is. Telling my story made so much "sense" in a way. It was awful, but it was...factual, I guess. Facts and feelings about the facts.

Now it's trying to untangle the mess inside that brought me to therapy in the first place...the mess caused by the things that happened to me. It feels completely overwhelming, and hopeless, and impossible. I'm sure there will come a moment when things get a little clarified, but right now, it's just really really really confusing...and wow, super spiraly.

I'm REALLY sorry that I'm dumping all of my stuff here. I really feel lost.

don't be sorry, tree. That is what this place is for.

I agree with zoo....This is the place for it....and I, for one, am not tired of you posting. Not by a long shot. (( HUGS ))

Tree, maybe you are right? Maybe, it is so difficult, and confusing, and scary that you just don't want to do it? Maybe, you are subconsciously acting out? Either way, given your recent conversations with T, I understand your ambivalance.

Is your T being supervised? At face value, what I read from the above... your T was being authentic and attempting to communicate to you how much he does care about you. In doing so, he may have realized something about himself....maybe, something simple like his inability to hold a time boundary. I DO understand how this would be confusing for you. Either way, this is T's issue. It is HIS job to hold the boundary, not yours.

A couple of times, you used the word "accidentally" when referring to your T. Curious? Your comments were referring to time...but I wonder if, somewhere, you believe your T's love for you is by accident, too?


Perhaps you are BOTH right? Could it be grief over things past and present? IDK, it just sounds very difficult and painful for you.

(((((((tree))))))

Oh Tree, you DO DESERVE it! It is not YOUR job to resolve this....it is your T's job. You haven't "stolen" anything. T is an adult and can make his own decisions. So, maybe your T did have his own "a-ha" moment today and realized some things about himself...(regarding boundaries, etc...) It is not yours to OWN ( or repair), it is his. It is your T's responsibility to hold boundaries, not yours.

This is YOUR therapy. You have done nothing wrong.

((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))!!!

(((((((((((tree)))))))))))

your T's love is limitless and given to you freely. unfortunately, his time is limited. he's just trying to rectify the time situation so everyone is safe. he loves you and you absolutely can't make another person love you let alone steal it, you silly tree. keep posting. you are very loved here as well so we want to know how you are doing.