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Old Nov 14, 2010, 01:09 AM
Melbadaze Melbadaze is offline
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this is one thing I no longer need to do. Before therapy I was queen manipulatore, angry at anyone who dared disturb me from state of being. Some may say but thats ok, but the flip side of that was there Was no room for anyone else, only I had suffered "real" trauma, no one else, I'd post in a way that set that type of thinking up and when responses didn?t enablw me in that then I could turn resentful, my tone would chaNge frim wounded child to narcissitic parent...actually before therapy I use to take great pride in declaring myself mentally ill, thought there was something innocent in it, but from my own experiEnce there is a nastiness involved in mental illness too. I would be drAwn to labels that only siginfied me to be the innocent one, don't my wounds prove I could never hurt anyone? This knowlege alwaya shawdowed me and was Partly the driving force to seek out whi I really was, saint or sinner, not being able to comprehend we aRe all both. I no longer manipulate, and wonder how far down was i? I think back to others who offered their help/insight but I reJected them as they weren't bending to my manipulation, I'd start of all childlike until confronted by their adult self then if that wasn't working I'd b ecome all adult again just to tell them how wrong they were then revert back to my maniPulative childlike self. Yuk is all i can say now and T held firm during this time.
Thanks for this!
Dr.Muffin, WePow

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  #2  
Old Nov 14, 2010, 01:39 AM
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SenatorPenguin8081 SenatorPenguin8081 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melbadaze View Post
this is one thing I no longer need to do. Before therapy I was queen manipulatore, angry at anyone who dared disturb me from state of being. Some may say but thats ok, but the flip side of that was there Was no room for anyone else, only I had suffered "real" trauma, no one else, I'd post in a way that set that type of thinking up and when responses didn?t enablw me in that then I could turn resentful, my tone would chaNge frim wounded child to narcissitic parent...actually before therapy I use to take great pride in declaring myself mentally ill, thought there was something innocent in it, but from my own experiEnce there is a nastiness involved in mental illness too. I would be drAwn to labels that only siginfied me to be the innocent one, don't my wounds prove I could never hurt anyone? This knowlege alwaya shawdowed me and was Partly the driving force to seek out whi I really was, saint or sinner, not being able to comprehend we aRe all both. I no longer manipulate, and wonder how far down was i? I think back to others who offered their help/insight but I reJected them as they weren't bending to my manipulation, I'd start of all childlike until confronted by their adult self then if that wasn't working I'd b ecome all adult again just to tell them how wrong they were then revert back to my maniPulative childlike self. Yuk is all i can say now and T held firm during this time.
I'm a little bit of a sinner and a little bit of a saint. Our life experiences shape us. Whatever brought you to this insight, at least you know you can take something away from this revelation. Try not to be overly harsh on yourself-- you are human and emotions drive us. We are not robots.
  #3  
Old Nov 14, 2010, 02:10 AM
Melbadaze Melbadaze is offline
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oh no i'm not being harsh..I'm enjoying the freedom I have now...being stuck in that place gives no peace:
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Old Nov 14, 2010, 07:01 AM
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I wonder if it wan't "manipulation" as a conscious choice, but simply "struggling" because you weren't as far along in your healing as you are now? It's a gift to have six years of therapy behind you and to be so self-aware...my guess is that many people who aren't as far along in their healing still react emotionally - and maybe sometimes, inappropriately - to things, because they are still learning to understand and contain their own reactions. I wonder if this is where you were at?

Last night, I was talking to my H about our pets. We have a very very old cat that I love and that he hates. I was asking him how he could love the cat when it was young, and turn against it when it's old. It felt like an intellectual discussion to me - just a friendly debate, with no big emotions attached - and my H got REALLY angry at me and lashed out. I was surprised and hurt. We talked some more and he said that he realized that he is still really sad about the pets that died when he was a child and that he doesn't want to become attached to animals anymore. I asked why he didn't just tell me that in the first place, and he said that he COULDN'T tell me, because he didn't even know until right then. It reminded me of me, and how I lash out at him sometimes because I am reacting to something in the past but don't even realize it.

I don't think he was trying to manipulate me...I think he was just reacting from where he is at, right now. It didn't feel good, but it was a learning experience for him, and for me, and I guess we both know him a little bit better now.

My T believes that we all have a drive to heal and be whole, and that our behaviors are attempts to get ourselves to that place. That doesn't make our behaviors "right" or even make them make any sense, because often we haven't learned healthy ways of coping, reacting, being.

So...I wonder if you were consciously manipulating, or just reacting from a place of hurt and confusion and fear?

Be gentle with you. "yuck" feels like such a harsh reaction to your healing self.

Thanks for this!
bpd mess, Melbadaze, WePow
  #5  
Old Nov 14, 2010, 07:06 AM
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WikidPissah WikidPissah is offline
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manipulation...something I became very good at.
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never mind...
  #6  
Old Nov 14, 2010, 08:44 AM
Melbadaze Melbadaze is offline
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Tree, Its strange when I read of others peoples unconsious processes I can have more sympaphy, I can understand your husbands reaction, I think for me I still have memorys of manipulations used against me and that creates a yuk feeling for me, to be rid of that and those that taught me it.
  #7  
Old Nov 14, 2010, 11:48 AM
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pachyderm pachyderm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melbadaze View Post
I use to take great pride in declaring myself mentally ill, thought there was something innocent in it, but from my own experiEnce there is a nastiness involved in mental illness too. I would be drAwn to labels that only siginfied me to be the innocent one, don't my wounds prove I could never hurt anyone?
There was a series of posts here in this forum earlier this year (May, I think) in which one poster could not admit that she ever could abuse. That series did not end up in a good place.

Not really related to you, Melbadaze -- except that you have insight, and some do not want to admit painful things.
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When all have given him o'er
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  #8  
Old Nov 14, 2010, 12:11 PM
Melbadaze Melbadaze is offline
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Patchy, I must have missed that thread, oh what a shame lol, or perhaps in hindsight its best I did miss it lol
  #9  
Old Nov 15, 2010, 09:29 AM
sittingatwatersedge sittingatwatersedge is offline
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Originally Posted by Melbadaze View Post
don't my wounds prove I could never hurt anyone? .
thanks MDaze for this interesting post.
Everyone is capable of hurting others. Wounds are no proof that we can't; but my observation here on PC over the last couple of years is that the sufferer can be so much more compassionate than those who never felt a wound.

That may or may not be a comfort to those who have suffered trauma or other wounding but from here it seems pretty valuable
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