[Sannah]

This is a common topic here and lately I have had to experience this. For the last five months I have been living on the other side of the Atlantic because of my husband's job. I have 2 weeks to go until we go home.

We came here and I jumped in trying to get involved and acclimated. It worked for months but at the 4 month mark I was done! All I have wanted now is to go home. I started to completely withdraw from everything that represents here and not my home. I feel sad a lot. My cycle has been having one day every week or so where I am really sad and I cry a lot and I really feel the sadness in my abdomen. And then the next day I wake up and it has lessened and I can go on not feeling sad. My husband totally allows me to have my feelings and he doesn't try to make them go away either.

So the point of my post? When I am having one of those days I don't try to lessen my sadness or run from it. It just is, so I sit with it and try to get through the day. I think that my sitting with it is what helps it dissapate and go away for the rest of the week. If I didn't let it come it would just keep chasing me and never give me any relief.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So the point of my post? When I am having one of those days I don't try to lessen my sadness or run from it. It just is, so I sit with it and try to get through the day.

That is a discipline that is not that easy to achieve. It is not that common in this society. It is not a discipline that, as nearly as I see, is taught much, even in therapies for emotionally-damaged people. Rather, my impression of psychiatry in this country is that it is largely concerned with covering up distress, at denying it, rather than paying it attention and trying to understand why it is there. In other words, take the easy way out -- easier for the provider, but ultimately harder for the recipient of such "therapies" because the problems keep coming back.

BTW, can you identify what it is about your overseas experiences which has caused such sadness?

[ECHOES]

And if you sit with them, and they don't lessen... then ?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

And if you sit with them, and they don't lessen... then ?

Sit with them for some more! And if that doesn't work, give up, and come back and try to do it some other time!

That seems to be the only thing that works even somewhat for me.

[Sannah]

I agree with you Pachy, most people's automatic response is to move on when you say something sad or they say something which basically wants it to go away like "it will get better", "please don't cry", etc. What I do in my volunteer work is dive into it with them: "wow, that would really be hard", "what did you do with it?", or ask questions about it.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

BTW, can you identify what it is about your overseas experiences which has caused such sadness?

I just miss my country, the culture and everything......... Plus the language barrier is very isolating (I am working on the language but it takes time).

Originally Posted by ECHOES

And if you sit with them, and they don't lessen... then ?

Great question. As I sit with my feelings on one hand, my other hand is trying to problem solve to relieve the situation. With me, for example, if I was going to live here I would definitely need a plan B. I would work at integrating into the culture. The way that it is now I just need to wait.

But for any other situation it would depend. Is there anything that can be done about the situation?

Many times the feelings are mourning, mourning the past or a loss. With time and sitting with the feelings they should pass but you also need the other hand working to make a better life.

Do you want to share an example Echoes?

I guess I am also talking about present feelings. If they are past feelings they need to be worked through in therapy to untangle thought/beliefs and to really express them.

[ballet_girl]

Thanks! This is really helpful to me because my T is always saying that I need to learn to sit with my feelings and I never really knew what that meant before...

How are you supposed to sit with the feelings that hurt too much? How do you force yourself to allow them in?

[granite1]

are you sad about having to leave?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by ballet_girl

How are you supposed to sit with the feelings that hurt too much? How do you force yourself to allow them in?

Taint easy!

All I can say is that you have to just keep trying. Keep trying with the attitude that you are studying yourself, not judging. You are trying to learn something. Learning is good.

[Melbadaze]

I always find "foreign" and "alien" languges and places trigger all the feelings within myself that had felt "foreight and alien" for so long, and the lonliness in that experience. Yes if its possible to sit with the feelings its very cleansing. Sorry you have been experiencing this sannah, shame its not this side of the atlantic, I'd invite you round for tea!

[purple_fins]

Sannah

I'm sorry you are having a tough go of it at the mo.

Wow-- you're using what you learned!
Good on you for doing such.

I just had to post to you as you are always helpful to so many of us
thank you and I will hope and wish that the remainder of your time there goes by quickly...... maybe put yourself in the mindset of a tourist on a vacation for the rest of the time...??... (that's what I do sometimes, when I feel "out of sorts"-- I imagine/pretend things..may sound childish but it gets me through sometimes)

thinking of you

fins

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I always find "foreign" and "alien" languges and places trigger all the feelings within myself that had felt "foreight and alien" for so long, and the lonliness in that experience. Yes if its possible to sit with the feelings its very cleansing. Sorry you have been experiencing this sannah, shame its not this side of the atlantic, I'd invite you round for tea!

They do speak a form of English in England -- unlike where Sannah apparently is!

[BlackCanary]

Sannah, it sure is a challenge to not push away the hard feelings or bury yourself in a distraction!

I try the little process of acknowledging my tension/feelings, then I relax my whole body so that my body releases the pain of the moment.
Then, when I notice it is back, I do it again. And again, etc.

You are nearly home - is now the time to pack, do some farewell rituals for this foreign place? Exchange a small item with someone who has been kind, so you can take a good memory home?

[bpd2]

Sannah, maybe this relates: for me, the worst time of getting through something hard is right before it's over--I "choke." Sometimes it's fear of failure--that I didn't do what I wanted to when it was all a dream and how I thought it would be, but sometimes it's because I am tired and know that I don't have to be wonder woman the rest of the way: that the end is in sight, and it's going to happen without much of my participation, so I can give in to the blues that come with either of the above.

[jazzy123456]

So the point of my post? When I am having one of those days I don't try to lessen my sadness or run from it. It just is, so I sit with it and try to get through the day.

Thanks for the post sannah I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time recently but, this is something I m officially teaching myself to do, cuz sometimes when you sit with the feelings, I feel as if you gain a little more strength when you allow yourself to do so but, when you don't deal with it, strength can't be gained as easy because you need to acknowledge the feelings first. i find, when I rely on others too much for relief, I wind up disappointed, when I take the same energy and use itto rely on myself--get myself through the painful feelings---I feel accomplished. and thats the huge difference. Not to say, community is a bad thing or else I wouldn't be on psychcentral but, strength is a noble thing. So, thank you for taking the time to post. much healing and happiness to you!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ballet_girl

How are you supposed to sit with the feelings that hurt too much? How do you force yourself to allow them in?

Good question and this did come to mind when I first posted. I was thinking that some others have some really heavy feelings going on about some really heavy things. I guess this is when you take it to therapy and receive some assistance on it.

Originally Posted by granite1

are you sad about having to leave?

No, not at all!

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

shame its not this side of the atlantic, I'd invite you round for tea!

It is on your side of the Atlantic but I'm still too far away to come for tea! Thanks for the invite though!

Originally Posted by BlackCanary

so you can take a good memory home?

I do have good memories, and I did have a good time here too. At the 4 month mark, however, I just had enough........

Thank you Fins, BPD and Jazzy for replying.

We went to someone's house for dinner last night and another foreign couple was there also. Everyone spoke in English and this was very nice so the language barrier is a big part of it plus the locals who were there were very "internationalized" so I felt more at home. I never would have thought how hard it is to not be around others who are familiar.

[zooropa]

thank you for sharing this with us, Sannah. Is is SO hard to sit with those feelings, isn't it? So, so hard. And when I find myself able to do it, I find that what my T has been saying all these months (years!) is true. Feelings don't last. They go away. I don't have to run or hide or fight. Just sit. And breathe.

thank you for that reminder ((((sannah))))