Terminate therapist?

Oh, (((((((((((CW))))))))))), I just want to jump in to say that you are not pathetic at ALL. Of course you want to be loved - that's what we all want. There is nothing pathetic about that.

The therapy relationship, and the caring and unconditional positive regard that came with it, REALLY brought home to me how much I missed out on when I was growing up. It was SO painful to receive those good things from T, because I had never received them before, and it made me really FEEL what I missed out on. Even typing about it now, 3 years later, makes my stomach kind of clench up. I had managed to close off the part of me that wanted love and when it opened up in therapy, it really, really hurt.

Just today, T and I were talking about how much of my healing has come through the therapy relationship. T and I have had ruptures that were painful for both of us, but we worked through them. I've thrown all of my fears (of abandonment, of being hurt, etc) at T, and REALLY felt them, and he hasn't let me down once. We both show up at every session, and no matter what, he's the same consistent T. I CAN trust him. I DO love him and it's okay. He DOES care about me. He WON'T hurt me. He's not going to abandon me, or send me away. He won't ask me to cross a boundary, ever. He hurts when I hurt and he rejoices in my successes. I can be angry, or hurt, or immature and he will still be there.

I really really really had to have the experience of just showing up twice a week, and having all of the above be true. T can tell me that he loves me, or that I can trust him, or that he won't abandon me, but I had to experience it to really believe it. I wanted to quit SO MANY TIMES, but I never did, and now that I'm on the other side, I am so so grateful.

There has been a lot of really uncomfortable stuff about therapy for me. My T isn't directive - he lets me take the lead in session, and that has been really hard, but in the end, really healing. He will give me what I need, but I have to ask for it, and learning to identify my needs and then ask to have them met was super super scary. Trusting the process when it didn't make any sense to me, not running away when I felt scared, learning to sit with painful feelings...ALL of it has been really difficult. And really worth it.

This is just my experience....but your feelings sound so familiar to me, and I guess I want to give you hope that it can get better.

Be gentle with you. Therapy is hard, hard work.

Yes, Treehouse, you do understand! Thank you for showing me that what my therapist is saying--suffering through the relationship to bring healing--is true!

And my insurance allows unlimited visits and even free inpatient care...

Oh and I am a wuss. I was tearing up during the DBT stuff. I can't think about it. I don't want to think about my feelings or my self-destructive behaviors. I am not there yet.

chicken_wing, after reading tree's post I realized I might have missed where it is that you are at in your therapy. I guess I was projecting my experiences in therapy and my frustrations with therapy that was too "client-centered" without any direction. I DON'T do well with overly directive therapy but I also DON'T do well with "aimless" therapy.. I do need someone to suggest skills and push me along.. but I can understand how that stuff would be difficult and triggering, too. I guess when I got to therapy that stuff was what I was looking for, so I was ready for it, and my T's always were very gentle with skills stuff when they could see how reactive I was to it (feeling worthless, etc). It sounded to me like you were struggling with your T's current approach and that you felt you needed more guidance, but I may have missed the point!

Anyway, please be honest with your therapist if you feel she's leading you down the wrong path for you. Please tell her if you feel things are getting worse and you're heading in the wrong direction. If something isn't working, and you don't feel you're healing, ASK questions! And don't accept her answers until you really understand WHY she is taking whatever direction with your therapy. You know? I just never know from the other side of the screen whether people are seeing someone who is good or not so good. I want you to see someone good, and find healing

I SO want your insurance! Mine will not cover my current T and even if it did I think it only covers one session every other week. Given the style of T you have chosen to work with I am glad that your insurance is that good! I was really worried that if it was anything like mine it might bottom out on you and leave you in a difficult space... Phew!

My T is also more psychodynamic. And I also don't think I'd do all that well with that very structured DBT stuff. I'll tell you what helped, though -- reading about CBT in the Feeling Good book -- I just picked up a lot about how to recognize my own twisted thinking. I do better when I figure things out for myself -- I get (or at least I used to get) too angry when people try to tell me things. My therapy is very non-directed, which works a lot better for me.

(And I totally would have been kicked out of DBT because I refused to give up SI -- just felt that it was my own personal business and that it wasn't any of my T's business.) (I don't know how she put up with me!) (But I don't do that stuff any more -- I just don't need it. It kind of faded away.)

My T explained to me about my 'love' for her -- she never said it was just transference stuff and that it wasn't real. She knows I really like her, and I think she really likes me. She told me that therapy is actually very intimate, that it's one of the most intimate relationships that there is. She said that she also wishes we could be friends outside of therapy, but that if we had that (friendship) relationship, then we couldn't have this (therapy) relationship. So I realized that she was right, and now I am OK with just our having this special therapy relationship.

-Far

PS. Meditation helped a lot with my anxiety. I calm myself through managing my body -- it took me a while to get good with it, but it does help. Also I took a biofeedback thing at my university, and learned to raise the temperature in my extremities (fingers) -- this skill also controls and reduces anxiety.

Chicken Wing--Tearing up during DBT? OH, YEAH. BIG time. At seemingly odd times, too. Grrr. BUT, my psychiatrist and my therapist insisted on it as a condition of therapy, or I'd have never done it. I hated it; I hated them; I hated the other women in it; I hated the room; I hated the parking lot; I hated my clothes...but mostly? I hated it. And so. Am I better for it? Yes. Without a doubt. Do I still resent it? YES. YES. YES. (Have I made that absolutely, screamingly clear?) Would I highly recommend it to anyone who has emotional control issues? Absolutely, especially if they have bpd. I took it twice in a row, and I took a refresher course almost a year ago, because of, uh, recidivism, I guess you'd call it. (Which is, I gather, common--as is retaking the course over the years.) Wow, I hate DBT. But it is one of the efforts I have made in my life that has helped me most, and there is no getting around it. Dang it. Oh...and there always comes a time in it when I am so grateful for the women around me...that there are these women around me, and they do understand, and I'm not a freak--and I'm not special--I'm one of them, I belong, and it is such a relief that I don't have to fake it. And then, I can really hear what is being said, can actually try to do the work, can stop being the poster child for wilfulness and get on with willingness.

Uhhhhh....Off topic?....sorry about that....

I think sometimes therapists are scared of clients' strong feelings for them and use the word "transference" to create distance between themselves and the client. Ouch--that can hurt! I know my feelings for my own T are very strong and that they are about him, not my mom or dad. He acknowledges that the feelings are real and has told me we have a healthy, intimate relationship. I know this to be true in my bones, and I am thankful to have a T who also knows this. (My T, by the way, is not psychodynamic or behavioral. He's eclectic--probably one of those aimless guys jexa mentioned. )

DBT sounds hard, from what bpd2 wrote. I wonder, is it that it is hard that makes you not want to do it, chicken_wing? Or that it is painful? Sometimes we do tend to shy away from the hard work of therapy. But other times, a certain approach is just not a good fit for us, and we need something different. Do you know which it is that DBT is for you, CW--hard/painful/scary or not a good fit? I don't know much about DBT, but I do know that CBT is not a good fit for everyone who has depression. It helps many, but according to a clinical psychologist I know (and also the literature, according to her), CBT is a good fit for about 50-75% of people with major depression. For the others, a sizable number, a different approach such as Interpersonal therapy is more helpful. So from this I know that one approach does not help all, and I wonder if it is the same for DBT? That approach helps a sizable fraction of those with BPD but for some people, a different approach is more helpful?

I think if DBT is hard/painful to you and that is what makes you reluctant to engage with it, then you will probably attain readiness with time and encouragement from your T. But if DBT is not a good fit, then you could start now to find out what is.

Good luck, CW. You sound very intelligent, thoughtful, and reflective--perfect combo for depth psychotherapy.

I must admit that the only thing that kept me engaged in some (OK... nearly all) of the CBT stuff was other motivations that were eh...er... rather incongruant with the purpose.

It is totally and completely NORMAL to want someone to love you back. I still wish for my exT to love me back I don't think it ever goes away.

Treehouse said it SO well. I learned to communicate needs with exT - and now I can do it with others. He could not meet my need for unconditional love, but he did give me unconditional respect.

Safe hugs to you - you are in a tough phase, and I hope you will persevere.

Maybe what I wrote about DBT last night sounded directive? I didn't mean it to be--just to offer my experience, which I take it, is pretty common (but not necessarily the norm--I don't think there is one!).