Hate T ???

It sounds to me that you are still testing him and trying to figure out how much he REALLY cares about you.

Doogie, thanks! YES! It is so hard because the more we know about T, the more we care. The more we care, the more impact they have on our hearts. And THAT is the hard part.

Oceanwave, I don't feel like I am testing my T any longer. I know he will be there for me. THAT is the part I don't like! I am not use to having anyone I can rely on. And the whole concept and emotion is really making me angry. It is strange to me. And maybe the back of my mind does still not trust him. But it is not that I want him to do more or be more. It is reverse. Kinda like I wish he would mess up big time so I could hate him for a reason and get over feeling connected to him. I really like him as a human and I think THAT is what makes me so afraid. I don't WANT to like anyone!!! :-)

((((WePow)))))

I hope it goes well today!

Sending you tons of hugs for the day.

So this is really new to you WePow?

Well, my session was powerful. T worked with me on a level that I needed. But it was not long enough of a session. There was so much more I needed to cover with him... like the massive panic at that stupid conference Wed. I was standing there trying to talk to a lady and she asked me something that I didn't know the answer to and I ended up not being mentally there - felt myself shrink and then I was watching myself from a distance but had no ability to make myself do anything... it was very distressing. She finally just walked away. I just can't be around large groups of people that way. I wanted to process that with T but ran out of time. I hate it that my insurance only approved 5 session for the remainder of the year and I already used 4 of them!!! This is the worst time of the year and I have no more days off left at work and we have a stupid company party this next Friday! UGGGGG!

Can you skip the party, or show up and just stay for a very short period of time so that people see that you are there?

I'm sorry you only got approved for 5 sessions, could your T apply for more?

I need to be at the party. I have been with the company 10 yrs and have not missed a single one. The company stood by me through my breakdown this year. And the party is at the home of our founder who has a soft spot in his heart for me - I have no idea why! LOL. Bottom line is I need to show up. It is just hard.

WePow,
You only have one session left for the rest of the year?? That doesn't sound too many, does it. Is there any chance that you can talk to your T about this, and with his support, ask your insurance company for more sessions? It sounds to me that you need more time with your T to process your experiences at this stage. It seems as though you are trying to can cope alone, but right not you might need to attend to what you actually need, what do you think?

Oceanwave, I am going to use my holiday bonus to pay T out of pocket for the extra sessions for this year. He has a free time each week for the rest of the year, so I will be able to see him. I am very happy about that. Also, I get to pay him more than the insurance does and that will make me feel good. I don't get to do anything to give back to my T, so seeing him outside network and paying normal fee is a round about way of being able to give HIM a holiday bonus!! :-)

I'm g;ad to read this last post, WePow! I was about to ask if he would do a sliding scale and if you could afford that to get you through the rest of the year--but you have a solution and a good one. I know it would feel good to me to be able to pay my therapist more than my insurance is paying him.

I'm glad you're going to the party, too.