embarrassment in T

I "see" you. I don't judge you badly for whatever you are.

yes!! i feel the SAME way, which is probably why I reacted so strongly to her suggestion to play my voicemail out loud...blech!

why? It just IS, for some people. I'd guess you aren't one of those people, but that doesn't make it any less "real" for those of us who find being observed, seen, witnessed, etc very uncomfortable.

It has been a huge hurdle for me and something I have talked to my T about a lot. How hard it is to let her SEE me, how painful, how distressing. It just IS.

If my SO teased me in front of a group of people (or at all, really), I'd be pretty pissed off. Even though you did a good job in laughing it off Sannah, I don't think you should be expected to just deal with insensitivity like that

Zoo, I hear ya, all the way. I might put it in different words, but the unbearableness of "sitting with" stuff, the unbearableness of sitting and being looked at--and the huge need to be seen and still "held"....yep. All that. ( <---my preferred therapy apparrel....)

I would LOVE to sit in therapy with a bag over my head. Or a blanket, anything. I do hide behind my hands sometimes, but T doesn't let me do it for very long. I hide from her by not looking at her, and by curling up on her couch with my feet under me and my hands inside my sleeves. It's as "little" as I can get.

I don't mind being seen. I don't hate my voice (I have had times where I haven't LIKED how it sounded, but I don't universally hate it), I don't mind T writing stuff down and I don't mind being looked at (just don't STARE at me). All that stuff said, I sometimes wear a hat or a hoodie while talking with T. I don't feel incredibly ashamed or anything, but it does feel safer and like I'm more protected sometimes when I use this technique. Gradually I have been able to put my hoodie down or take my hat off when talking about things that hurt. I think it's okay to do what a person needs to do to get the emotions out, and gradually it will become safer feeling to do it more often.

LOL. I wonder if a bag would help sometimes.

((((((((jexa)))))))

I can't comment on the thread too much now, but I'm worried about your throat. Did you get a throat culture? It sounds like you could have strep and you don't want to let it go untreated.

Saying it "just is" lets you not examine it. I guess I should not press people to examine things such as this.

I have been someone who is uncomfortable being observed. But I have tried to examine that, and in doing so, find lots of insight into myself and into the process. I come to the conclusion that the discomfort is not inherent in the process of being observed, but reflects one's own perception of its meaning, its significance. There are many different ways in which one could react to being observed. By no means do they all include embarrassment. Being embarrassed means you think the observer has lots of power over you. That too is not a "fact" but is a perception. If I may say so, a perception derived originally from when you were quite small compared to the ones from whom you wanted approval.

You are no longer quite so small.

One of the things I LOVE about my T is that usually if I stop looking at her she stops looking at me. That is one of the places she does the "mirroring" thing. If she is not mirroring she will ask for eye contact, say what she needs to say, then tell me why it was important to her to have eye contct.
She understands that how I am looking at her or not looking at her is directly related to how close I feel comfortable with her on what ever we are talking about. How close I am willing to let her get.

why keep asking - you already have the answers to all this. Could it be part of the reason you are not in therapy?

My interpretation is nobody's business. That's not what I was talking about and not something I wish to discuss here. It had nothing to do with what I posted.

Ahhh...going out on a limb here and guessing... pachyderm is either a psychoanylist, has read a lot of their works or been in that kind of therapy for a while. It is just a very different style of work than a lot of us use here. My guess is (and I could be mistaken) that pachyderm means no harm, just trying to help in the way they were helped or are used to helping. That style of work can often bring up very strong reactions/transference depending on which side you are on. Usually, for me that means I get really pissed off.

I guess usually is now?

No, I am not a mental health professional of any kind. Just someone who has, at least in my estimation , worked hard, because I was forced to work hard, at understanding what happened to me.

As such, I consider myself to be the same size as everyone else, though some seem to see me somehow as very big. Of course, some would say they see me as being very small, but that is the reverse side of the same coin: overestimation of how much influence I have for good or ill. I am just a person.

As to why I pose questions that upset some people -- each person can have an explanation that is probably as good as mine. I do need to write about these things in order to better establish my own understandings, since I have no one else to discuss these things with. And, I am not perfect; I have not fully developed my own understandings, so that I could interact perfectly with other people. A work in progress? Is that allowable?

That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Nope, you have not pissed me off. I just thought that it might explain some of the strong reactions. I have had my feathers ruffled by some of your posts but if I can manage my knee jerk reactions I rather enjoy watching how you use words and what words you cue in on...
Anyway... was only trying to help, although rightfully not my place.

Thanks. As is often the case, I edit my posts when I think of things that I wanted to say, and I suspect I did my last edit when you were posting, so you might go back to my previous post and see if I improved things any or not!

Heck, I suspect we here even may disagree on the meanings that we attribute to these "smilies" on PC:

Yah, I hate that particular "smilie", I always find it sadistic.

It is, a bit. That is its point!

Actually, it can be self-deprecating, too. Which is partly the way I use it, I think. It says "Don't take me completely seriously".

Pachyderm, I'm trying to understand my own reaction when I read only "Why?" I started ignoring the posts. I don't assume acceptance anywhere, so when I hear only "why?" I feel like I am being asked to be "transparent" to another's gaze, while the other person remains "opaque" to me. The experience becomes anxiety--anxiety about being judged--or, perhaps, anxiety that I am talking about my experience whereas the other person is asking me to discuss a sort of meta-experience--as in "tell me why a person would have this feeling/reaction/whatever". Yes, I do assume we support each other in our efforts here, but I don't assume that I am accepted. It's not the forum that makes me feel that way, it's that I am that way....So, an "un-couched" (pun intended) "why?" works for me on an analytical, intellectual level. Perhaps it is that in a conversation, both people ask each other why, and both people disclose.

You can ask me why, and I will try to answer. My style seems to be kind of "minimalist", to put out a bit and wait for the other person to interact also. Maybe that is caution bred from experience. I cannot always tell what are the sources of how I act.

I know what you mean: "caution bred from experience"! With ya there!

Actually, in our family we tease each other all the time and have quite a bit of fun doing it. My husband wasn't doing it to be mean to me. Recently, our whole culture has forgotten that teasing is fun. We have turned it around and made it a bad thing and have made ourselves way too sensitive to it. I teach a bully program and he explains this whole belief system pretty well at www.Bullies2buddies.com. This is what we have taught our children and it has made them a lot of fun to be around with their friends. They even teach this program to their friends!

I was embarrassed because of my history, (shame about who I am and that I have lived with that longer than I have lived without it and it still sneaks up on me!) not because of my husband or the present. I believe that being embarrassed is not that big of a deal. It is a feeling like all the other feelings and feelings are not going to kill me.

Actually, the current topic on this thread right now about being uncomfortable to be seen is exactly why I was embarrassed with this incident and IMO exposing yourself to it and sitting with the feelings that are aroused is how you move through it and hopefully past it one day.

Pachy, I ask questions just like you are because this is how I resolve things - by looking at them more deeply (and you get there by questioning). I even question people IRL about things that aren't related to psychology, like in politics. I really want to know, though, because these topics are just interesting. People have to learn how to be questioned, however, and I remember having to learn how to tolerate it. I think that it is a good "skill" to have - to be able to tolerate being questioned. I'm always for strengthening myself and will jump at most opportunities.

Everything (human) is related to psychology!