[WePow]

Ok I wanted to just put this out there and see if others had any insight?
You all know I had a very rough day yesterday. Of course, my T came through as always and answered an email when I said "Reply Needed" - and he even wrote back again after I responded to that email. So we have a great relationship for T/Client.

The odd thing is that I went to bed kinda being upset with T for no reason... and then I had a dream that someone was trying to shoot him but I said I didn't care and was trying to leave the scene so I didn't have to deal with it. Then I woke up and I was mad at T !!

Now I feel like I am on the other side of a giant river and can barely see my T on the other side, but I don't want to go see him. It feels like it is just not worth the effort to connect to him. In fact, I feel like I hate my T but that is so illogical because he did nothing to make me feel this way. I am sure it could be transference, but I don't know what is going on. This time it does feel like it is just about T though.

Trying to think outloud here... It is almost as though I am mad at therapy because I wasn't able to help myself yesterday? Hum.. OR... It is like I am feeling that it has been waisted hours this year because I had one bad day? All or nothing thinking... blah !!!

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else had those type of days when they really just hated T for no reason?

[Sannah]

Did you want more than what he gave you in his response last night?

[WePow]

No... his response was more than I expected and it was nice. I think I wanted more from therapy though? Maybe I just expected it to fix THIS stuff deep inside. Maybe it is, but I am not patient. I waited a long time to start therapy when I knew I needed to get back into it. I postpone stuff too much. And I was feeling so great last week with the big breakthrough the week before. So maybe I expected myself to just be able to go and get stuff "fixed" then have a new life? LOL at myself.

[pachyderm]

I know that I can hate people just for not paying attention, not noticing enough when I need it -- when the fear is so bad, and there seems to be no help for it. I suppose it partly reflects childhood when any attempt to make people aware that something was wrong was dangerous, when it would, I guess, stress my mother so much that she would attack. I find it intolerable sometimes, when no one hears, when people do not care enough to hear. Then I am filled with hate. My mother, of course, would say explicitly that she did not care, did not care how much we suffered, seemed to be glad that we suffered. It is hard to cope with that today, when there is little or no obvious support available, when you don't get what you need from even one person. So I understand hate -- I suppose I even understand my mother's hate! What strangeness.

Maybe what you hate is just the awfulness of the experience -- not specifically the T herself. Just being allowed to suffer so much without someone intervening to help, enough.

I used to hate T sometimes for no reason. I would be standing in the shower, he would pop into my head, and I would literally say out loud "I hate you".

ALL of the reasons you said make sense...transference, wanting to be "all better", therapy taking longer than you want, disappointment about your bad day. You have an extra long break between appointments this time...that used to really REALLY throw me off kilter. It just totally makes sense.

I think I used to use T as a receptacle for bad feelings, because it was safe. I could "hate" T, and he wouldn't go anywhere, nothing bad would happen to me, he wouldn't "hate" me back. So for years, if I was angry, I was angry at T, whether he was even remotely the cause of the anger or not. I wasn't used to having angry feelings, and I think it was a safe way for me to learn how to deal with them.

You know the only way out is through. Keep trudging on, show up for your appointment, talk and talk and talk, and you will make it to the other side of this.

Be gentle with you. You've had a rough few days.

[WePow]

Tree, what you just said makes total sense. I am angry and mad inside but don't know who or what to be mad about. So being mad at T really is safe... up to a point. I did see him back off when I triggered him once. And I couldn't blame him at all. So I do know there is a limit. But still, he is safer than being mad at shadows?

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by WePow

Ok I wanted to just put this out there and see if others had any insight?
You all know I had a very rough day yesterday. Of course, my T came through as always and answered an email when I said "Reply Needed" - and he even wrote back again after I responded to that email. So we have a great relationship for T/Client.

The odd thing is that I went to bed kinda being upset with T for no reason... and then I had a dream that someone was trying to shoot him but I said I didn't care and was trying to leave the scene so I didn't have to deal with it. Then I woke up and I was mad at T !!

Now I feel like I am on the other side of a giant river and can barely see my T on the other side, but I don't want to go see him. It feels like it is just not worth the effort to connect to him. In fact, I feel like I hate my T but that is so illogical because he did nothing to make me feel this way. I am sure it could be transference, but I don't know what is going on. This time it does feel like it is just about T though.

Trying to think outloud here... It is almost as though I am mad at therapy because I wasn't able to help myself yesterday? Hum.. OR... It is like I am feeling that it has been waisted hours this year because I had one bad day? All or nothing thinking... blah !!!

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else had those type of days when they really just hated T for no reason?

Hi WePow,

I can relate.
Just over thanksgiving I had a dream that had 2 of my T's in it - they morphed into each other. I was SO angry at both of them. I do artwork and in my dream my T ended up just wanting a piece of artwork that I made but ignored me. Then she started telling me all about her life and I was like "too much information, we're supposed to be talking about me, not you!" I woke up feeling really mad at my current T. But really she didn't do anything to upset me IRL. Maybe it was just that she was going away for the holiday and I felt like she wasn't there.

Maybe you can talk this over with your T? Tell him that you had a dream that you were very angry at him? Maybe you felt like he wasn't there to support you enough? Some times even a great deal can be not enough, when the need is great.
Sending supportive thoughts your way...
E

[googley]

((((((((((WePow))))))))))))

I've had a similar thing happen. One morning I woke up and was completely and totally convinced that my T and pdoc were both trying to get rid of me. There was nothing I could do to change my perception. I went into T sooooo angry at both of them. My T was able to convince me that they were not trying to get rid of me. (the ironic thing was this was right after I was accepted into grad school-so I was the one that was leaving).

I am also really angry right now with my T and I'm pretty sure it is transference. These things happen. Ts know this. They know it is not the end of the world. Go to T. Talk it through with him. You will both be able to work it out. He cares about you so much. I know that this is hard to believe, and you will have to hear it from him to be completely sure. But I hope our assurances here help.

[doogie]

I don't know that it's the same thing, but sometimes it's just like I have this freefloating anger and I'm looking for a way to "get mad" at T - to pick a fight if you will - to get mad at her even if she hasn't done anything. Yes, because she is a safe target. I hope you figure it out. I know I really don't like feeling things I can't figure out.

[zooropa]

I can relate to those feelings, wepow. Sometimes I want to hate T, because loving her is painful and scary and needing her is too, but if I could hate her, if I could just walk away, I wouldn't be hurt by losing her someday. You know?

so yeah, maybe that's how you feel or maybe not, but I do understand the wanting to hate T or being bent out of shape with T for no real reason. Just stick with it, the feeling will pass.

[Verbascum]

I know that feeling, and I use to think of it as "fake hate" - I don't know if you can relate to that. To me it means, I'm mad at her, and angry, indeed for no reason, and think I hate her, and even tell her so - but I always want to keep going very much.
If I compare that feeling to real hate - I would never want to return to someone I really hate! And most definitely not pay for it!
So it's kind of a fake hate. I don't really know why I do it, it might be transference indeed, but I'm already proud of me recognising it as "fake hate".
Maybe for me it's more like a way to avoid feelings of attachment...

[rainbow8]

Hugs for you, WePow. I didn't think I could relate, but I'm starting to think that I AM angry with T for going on her trip, for telling me she travels a lot, and for the fake therapeutic relationship. I can understand your feeling angry. I'm sure you'll work it out with your T. Like any other feelings, they just "are" and you know they won't last forever.

[WikidPissah]

For me I "hate" when I trust too much. It's easy for me to not trust, but when I cross the line and trust just a little I get angry with the person that I've trusted...even though the person does nothing wrong...it's just a reflex action to opening up.

[jazzy123456]

LOL. Today has been one of those days, i wouldn't say hate but, i'm just like, omg, i can't stand that lady! geeeez. she gets on my nerves. i think this all has a lot to do with transference and a lot to do with our emotional, physical, spiritual well being at the time...cuz like, sometimes people get ticked off at the small stuff cuz there is actually so much big stuff hiding underneath...and then we all look at that person like there crazy cuz they are so mad over something so simple or we get mad at ourselves for these feelings...when in actuality, the root to all the anger or random frustration is much deeper. On the flip side, we all have bad days...we're human, sometimes we just get frustrated easier, its a part of life. good luck to you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

For me I "hate" when I trust too much. It's easy for me to not trust, but when I cross the line and trust just a little I get angry with the person that I've trusted...even though the person does nothing wrong...it's just a reflex action to opening up.

Do you think you get upset with them because they cracked your protective cover and now you might be vulnerable?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you think you get upset with them because they cracked your protective cover and now you might be vulnerable?

The trouble is, you might really be vulnerable, and they might not be totally, totally safe. How to work that possibility out?

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

Ok I wanted to just put this out there and see if others had any insight?
You all know I had a very rough day yesterday. Of course, my T came through as always and answered an email when I said "Reply Needed" - and he even wrote back again after I responded to that email. So we have a great relationship for T/Client.

The odd thing is that I went to bed kinda being upset with T for no reason... and then I had a dream that someone was trying to shoot him but I said I didn't care and was trying to leave the scene so I didn't have to deal with it. Then I woke up and I was mad at T !!

Now I feel like I am on the other side of a giant river and can barely see my T on the other side, but I don't want to go see him. It feels like it is just not worth the effort to connect to him. In fact, I feel like I hate my T but that is so illogical because he did nothing to make me feel this way. I am sure it could be transference, but I don't know what is going on. This time it does feel like it is just about T though.

Trying to think outloud here... It is almost as though I am mad at therapy because I wasn't able to help myself yesterday? Hum.. OR... It is like I am feeling that it has been waisted hours this year because I had one bad day? All or nothing thinking... blah !!!

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else had those type of days when they really just hated T for no reason?

You haven't seen him for a while - you can't because of the insurance, and that makes you angry. You thought you could manage without him, but it turns out you still need him. You hate him because you need him. "Why can't I just function well without this stupid T"?
Could this be it?

[WePow]

Oceanwave, yes- that could very well be "it" :-) I hate to NEED anyone! Always have! Wonder why --- hmmmmm ( lol ) .
I am glad I started this thread because reading how others feel about their T sometimes makes me feel normal! It is like I am just like others here on PC :-)

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WePow

I hate to NEED anyone! Always have! Wonder why --- hmmmmm ( lol ) .

Because others have been not so good for you in the past?

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

I hate to NEED anyone! Always have! Wonder why --- hmmmmm ( lol ) .

We all do, in a way. Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't need others and external objects for our survival that are out of our control most of the time? But we are never entirely self-sufficient. As children we need our parents for our survival, and we all need food and shelter. You need your T to make it through trauma processing - but he is not under your control. And that must be frustrating.

[WePow]

Actually, I am very glad he is not under my control. In fact, the frustrating part is when I think I am needed in order for something to be controlled. I hate being a leader in any way, shape, or form! LOL. I had a promotion at work thrown onto me (with a raise) three years ago and it ticked me off BIG TIME!!!

The part I don't like is that I am forced to interact with him at all. And that interaction makes me like him as a person. I don't want to like people because then I get hurt if something happens to them! I want to just hate everyone and not care about anyone - but T says I am not designed that way. THAT makes me mad!

I wish I were all better and didn't ever need to see T again!!! I think maybe I am feeling too much care for him as a person and that ticks me off. Urrrrrrrrrrr

why can't I just be mean and not care about anyone? :-)

I'm so glad you started this thread. It's been so helpful to read.

I agree with Tree...I sometimes felt mad at my old T for no reason at all, and I think it was just because she was safe. It wasn't anger for her, yet she held it for me anyway. When I think about it, I feel so thankful and warm and loved.

It's like when a loving adult hugs a screaming, tantruming child until they calm down.

Also, I think there was an element of "I hate T because she can't be my mom." Like, where was T when I was little? Why couldn't she help me then??!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WePow

And that interaction makes me like him as a person. I don't want to like people because then I get hurt if something happens to them! I want to just hate everyone and not care about anyone - I think maybe I am feeling too much care for him as a person and that ticks me off. Urrrrrrrrrrr

why can't I just be mean and not care about anyone? :-)

It seems like since you have just finished your trauma work now you have the space to work on relationships?

[WePow]

It just has been very strange this week with all of this. On Monday night, T called ME on my cell - trying to talk to me about an email I sent. I didn't get the msg until the next morning though :-( But I did call him back yesterday AM and left a VM for him saying not to worry about things, that I would talk with him Friday about the stuff going on right now. But I was angry with him for calling me without me asking him to call. But I was also happy he cared enough to call. I think the fact that I actually do trust him makes it very hard for me because it brings up the BIG fear inside. If I don't trust someone, I can't be as emotionally hurt if something goes wrong.

It was odd because yesterday early AM his phone didn't go right to VM. It rang for eight times before going to VM. That means he had the phone ON but made a choice to not answer it // OR (the more likely thing! that he was not at his phone!) I am sure he was getting ready for the day and may have been in the shower. I even said he didn't need to call back. But then I was upset last night trying to sleep and found myself trying to find out how to make myself be mad at T for not answering when I called! I tried to convince myself that he didn't want to really know what is going on??? Now THAT is distorted thinking! At least I saw clearly my own distortions. I am just not exactly sure why I am trying to make my mind back off the trust I have for T now. I finally fell asleep because I just couldn't be mad for that since I do totally trust him.

I wish I could see him today. I am off work but he has stuff today he is doing. I do see him Friday, so that is just one more day. I really just want to rush up to him and hug him and say "I can't hate you even when I try hard to hate you!!!"

[doogie]

" If I don't trust someone, I can't be as emotionally hurt if something goes wrong."

Oh. You totally nailed how I feel about my T right here. I am fighting fighting fighting trusting my T for this VERY reason. I am aware of it totally, as is she, because I've flat out told her. It's SO hard. I don't know if you saw my other thread about my T's self disclosure, but I think this has a lot to do with it. The self-disclosure up-ed the intimacy of the relationship, and it scared me. It made me like her more, care for her more, want to trust her more - and it SCARES me so badly because I know the more this happens, so increases my ability to be hurt, either now or in the long run. I get angry at myself because she has given me no reason at all not to trust in our relationship, but I'm still SO scared.