[Dark_Dreams]

This seemed like the best place to stick this. If it doesn't belong here, feel free to move it to a more appropriate location




Things are bad. Not just bad but super bad. I can't remember being this bad for a hell of a long time. I do have a therapist and things seem to be moving somewhat but I am wondering if something needs to change. Changing therapists is definitely not an option. I'm thinking more along the lines of what should be done with her in comparison with what is being done. She pretty much lets me lead each session. We may chat and if I say something she may run with it. Pretty much, we stick where I go and leave it at that. However, things are not changing fast enough. I know nothing happens overnight but I wonder if I am unconsciously staying away from major things (though sometimes it is very conscious) which really need to be addressed. Sure the day to day stuff and little stuff is important but **** goes a hell of a lot deeper than the surface. Perhaps I need to be challenged more. Maybe I need to be forced into going somewhere that I may not really be comfortable going. I know that is a dangerous road to take because it can have some serious consequences but maybe I need to take more risks.
I guess the problem with all of that is I have no idea how to get that. I know the simple answer is "Ask for what you need" but that is soooo not very simple. I am not very good at asking for what I want or need and definitely don't know how to say "Hey challenge me and run the risk of making me feel even worse than I already do". I’m not sure how to put that kind of thing out there. I am uncertain how to take the risk and actually ask for something. My history has taught me that asking for anything is generally met with some serious negative consequences which have left me a little gun shy when asking for anything.

It’s a risk whether I ask or don’t ask. The risk is just different.

[racee]

so my p-doc does this too...there is so much i want to share but i don't know where to start. and i have all these ideas before i go in. but once i'm there i start thinking well this is trivial i don'tt need to bother her with this and it goes from there. I need to start writing down what i want to talk about and reciting it to her (i also know she tends to get sidetracked to, and forgets)

But then when she hits a subject i reject her sometimes and then i go away hating her that she hit on something close and now she knows how i feel and i want to protect that, so hating her is my coping mechanism.

also when i want to goover something i am very long winded because i feel finally someone who wants to hear me, and we can't finish everything in a session thatn i have to wait for two weeks. you know what it's like hanging a subject by a thread half finished for two weeks? i'd rather just keep my mouth shut! but i can't afford her everyweek rigght now ahemm (looks around) 250$ a session! but yes it is worth finding someone i can trust even though i don't tell her somethings if i didn't trust her i wouldn't open my mouth at all!

there are days i want her to lead, and i think i'm going to tell her that next time i see her . be like "pry something out of me i don't know what it is but lead a topic from all our sessions we have been together you sstart on one that you think would help me" and see where that takes things

[ballet_girl]

((((Dark)))) I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time.

I struggle with that too. One thing that has really helped me is journaling and looking for things that come up over and over and sharing that with T. I once gave my whole journal to T and she picked up on things that I hadn't noticed and it helped me feel less nervous about bringing up other things because I knew that she had already read about them and would know where I was coming from.

Another idea might be to try keeping a journal with your T. I'm not sure if this would apply to what you are having trouble talking about, but it might be a way to bridge the gap between sessions, keep your train of thought, etc.

Also, instead of asking her to challenge you, you can ask her what she thinks would be important to talk about with the understanding that if it is to triggering for you that it can be saved for another session.

Hope this helps!