How do you know you are or aren't just Ts "job"

T's job is providing therapy.
I am her patient for whom she provides therapy, and doing that includes many kind, caring, and generous gestures on her part that are her choice to include. That's what makes me feel like I am more than just 7PM Monday evening.

please, enlighten us with supporting academic research

I feel like I am my T's job, and I also feel that we have a great relationship--one that is emotionally intimate and genuine. I guess it might seem odd that a relationship that is someone's job could be emotionally intimate, but that is what is cool about therapy!

What's "cool" for you is painful for me.

I'm afraid it changes by appointment with me. When she starts winding up the session after 45 minutes (it should be an hour) I very strongly feel that I'm just a job, the sooner over the better. That really hurts.

But sometimes she says something nice and personal and then I think she might like me after all... like once in spring she had a bunch of flowers in her office and I remarked on how beautiful they were, and she instantly said she thought of me while buying them since I had told some weeks before how much exactly those kind of flowers meant to me...

It is a strange relationship and I hate it.

why the snark? tiberius has a perfectly valid point. lots of psych grads go into therapy because they didn't achieve higher marks to get into a research degree.
2 of my closest friends this year have found themselves in this position. i have strong feelings about it (i detest that therapy is their back up plan) but in reality i have no control over what they choose to do, and i accept that there are many other students in my cohort this year who will find themselves in the same position.
that said, it doesn't mean they won't one day be GREAT therapists just because it wasn't their life long desire to help people. i myself vascillate regarding whether to be a "helper" or a researcher, and i know that i will be good at whatever i end up doing.

im curious as to why it's painful, but you dont have to share if you don't like.

research helps too.

Yes, yes. This says it for me also. Thank you Tree. And Rainbow - I hope this helps you.

at the risk of hijacking this thread - but maybe not - I just wanted to say, wow, this is cold.

As cold as this sounds and as much as I want to disbelieve it, I actually agree with Tiberius. I do think therapy is make beleive to some extent, and that's the problem I am having at the moment-not being able to deal with that thought. T's are only there for us when we are in therapy and paying them. They are trained to make us feel safe and to be friendly and supportive to their patients in order to affect change so we can lead full and happy lives. As soon as we leave therapy, for whatever reason, the relationship ends and they move on to another patient who needs their help. They don't hold on to us like we do to them. Maybe I'm just in the wrong frame of mind to be commenting on this thread and I've got it completely wrong

Tiberias says, remember, it's all make believe.
Confused says, I agree with Tiberius, and then adds to the contrary, it's make believe to some extent.

Isn't that the original question posed by Rainbow? Is it all make believe? Or to a point?
I have seen many replies posted here which recognize that there is a construct in play, a "therapeutic frame" if you will, but that it works; the results are solid, they're real, they're not make believe. my $0.02

Yes, I feel like I am just her job. But strangely, I don't look at that as a bad thing. I already have people in my life who care about me and who are there to have a relationship with. It's not their duty, they choose it. I already have those people, and I don't need my T to be another. I think if I looked at my therapy sessions with her as more than a job to her, then I would be more dependent on her than I want to be. That's not to say that some T's don't enjoy their clients and doing therapy, because they wouldn't be doing it if they didn't. The way I look at it is that they take time out of their day to hear me talk, and that makes them caring people. Even if they don't worry about how I'm doing after our session or wouldn't talk to me if it weren't their job, I feel for the hour I'm in therapy they do care. And to me that's what matters.

I'm glad this thread is getting different viewpoints, and I think they are all somewhat valid. This forum is a place we can talk about therapy in this way. I'm very grateful for that!

I think its like a play off two halfs...on the one hand we have claims of make believe, which has its oppersite, fantays of merger...but somewhere in the middle lies the eal relationship..and that is an adult relating too each other relationship...one has to work throug both fantasys to reach the eal and the real relationship is a rewarding, comforting, healthy relationship...sounds like some stuck in he negative, which like the make believe fantasy is just as false...it is a cold stance because its not coming from the heart, rahter the head...I can speak from my own expereince of working hrough both fantasys..afraid that the eal relationship would be as cold as some believe it to be posting here...I can say there is some disilusionment necessary to reach the eal rekationship and I think thats what scares some...so they ry to gain control by claiming it to be make eleive silently afraid that if they dare to believe it wont be real..the question is...have you the courage to walk across the bridge? i wouldn't want to remain in that lneoly world of my own making that I use to live...not really having any idea of what is possible preferring instead to live off the shadows I cast.

I guess cool is a vague term. What I think is "cool" is that I never would have guessed this professional relationship would be close, personal, intimate, etc. I knew little of therapy before I began, so this was a complete surprise to me, and it is a positive. I have had enough superficial relationships in my real life; relationships that I expected might have been intimate were not, such as those with my former husband and my parents. The lack of emotional intimacy in my marriage was very painful to me, much more painful than the prospect of the close relationship with my therapist ending one day because we have finished therapy. It's like the T relationship has shown me how to be close to someone again--I think I had forgotten--and it's been wonderful to discover that. It has helped me start to build closer relationships with others in my life. It has not mattered to me that having this relationship with my T is part of his job. I came to him for help, so I take advantage of what he offers. I know that other clients may be different and that the prospect of yet another loss can interfere with how close they allow themselves to become to their therapists. It's kind of a balance--is it worth it to become so close when one knows it will end? For me, it has been worth it. I believe one can also make progress in therapy without the close T relationship, and in fact, the therapist's holding himself somewhat aloof from the client can be therapeutic for certain clients. It takes a skilled therapist to know how close to allow the relationship to become. (A book I really like on this topic is Making Contact: Uses of Language in Psychotherapy.)

rain i know that you are special to your T and she has wonderfull ways of showing you EX holding your hand.The bears ETC...

the only thing I can tell those of you who feel that you are just T's "job" is this...I have a high school friend who is about 18 mos. away from her Ph.D. in counseling psych. She is definitely not in it for the money, although I am sure she will do very well in that department. I have known her for 15 years and she is a genuine "people" person. She enjoys being with people all the time, figuring them out, analyzing why they think and feel the way they do. She really wants to help people be happy. People are her passion in life.

That's all I got. Yeah, sometimes I go through moods where I think I'm just another slot in the appointment book for my therapist, but that's my problem and not hers. I just have to keep trusting that is not the case.

This. The first three sentences above are what I'm trying to work through in therapy right now, as painful as it is at times. Thanks for capturing what I've been thinking for the past few weeks, Yesterday.

Hmm, T's job is being a therapist, works for an HMO. It means she's got a complaint with the scheduling system, rolls her eyes at the corporate email reminder to get a colonoscopy, and knows to take her vacation in the 1st wk of January or be buried in a landslide of new referrals (apparently getting therapy is a part of many new year's resolutions).
I know she likes having me as part of her job! She's glad to see me as her last appt of the week or first thing on Tuesday. Because she cares, she's willing to say "I think you need ____ right now, I'd like you to try it." She welcomes when I challenge her, says "bring it on". It's delightful!
I have to also say, I was never sure if my exT liked having me as part of his job. I was certain he liked his job (called it his livelihood) though not always the boss or the HMO. He went to great lengths to stay separated, exhibit emotional detachment. It was not delightful.

Saw T today and was in a really blunt/risk taking mood and asked her this very question... Mind you this is only 1 T and I have already in other areas mentioned she is a bit on the colder side... some where colder than Ice cubes but warmer than dry ice ...and I love her dearly.
She said that yes, I am "just" a job. She does however like me and her work... But no, unless I call, leave a message and she checks voicemai she is not thinking of me when that office door closes behind her at the end of the day.

For me there was something freeing and very loving about that. For me it ment that no matter how much crap I dump on her, horrid stories, stress, pain... all those potential burdens... and I don't have to worry about it because she "locks" my stress and crap in the room behind her when she leaves... She does good self care.

just my and my T's take.

Wow. Omers, I could not work with a T who told me that. I realize my T dopesn't think about me anywhere near as often as I think about him, but one of my biggest fears is being forgotten about -- that I am so insignificant I literally do not exist in other people's minds at all unless I am with them or reminding them that I exist.
My T does great self care too but there are times when he thinks about me and his other patients, like when something he sees or reads reminds him of us in some way. I'm glad you find what she said freeing and loving but it sure wouldn't work for me!

Yeah, I don't think I could hear that from my T either. I don't want to know how often she does or does not think of me outside of the office.

Yeh, Doesn't work for a lot of people. That is part of why she is in private practice IMO. She is not a T to work with when you need a lot of TLC, support, warm fuzzies... But... If you really want to change, and really want to do the hard work and be called out on your crap and can tollerate her... She's the T... she has done amaizing things with me.
I had to laugh today as we were talking about why it is I keep a certian person in my life... I don't know what I said but she abruptly leaned forward towards me in her chair and said "Ahhh B*** S*** you just don't want to deal with reality"... all with a caring smile and very firm tone of voice!

But... I also want to make it very clear that she has never been a typical T (a friend of mine used to be in practice with her)... Out of the 8+ T's I have worked with she gets the ice queen award hands down... AND her hug at the end is the most genuine hug I have gotten from any of the T's I would hug. So... PLEASE do not generalize this to your T... Mine is just who she is but most are honestly not like her.

Wow, I this thread triggering or is it just me? I do know this: For me and I am assuming others here, we have a problem of being reduced to a 50 min slot in someones life. Now if it were the dentist I would understand however, a t relationship can not be compared to the likes of a dentist or other health care provider. The reason why I stand behind this is because the human soul is much more delicate than the teeth in your mouth. When you bare your deepest hurts and desires to someone it is very nauseating to think that they do not care about you and you are just a job. My life for example has been one where I myself sectioned everything off and compartmentalized areas of my life. Look where it landed me, with a significant mental illness. It would make the t turn into a robot. It is not humanly possible not to have areas of our life intertwine.

Take for instance I work in a hospital, if one of my patients codes or heaven for bid dies it comes home with me. It comes home with where I give my loved ones an extra hug and kiss. If someone says something that ressonates in my soul I tell it to my husband. If we save someone from a heart attack I have an extra skip in my step for that day.

Now lets try to find the middle path. Its about limits and having healthy boundaries. I hope our t's have a balanced life where they are able to keep providing care to us. That is found only when there is a balance just like how we need balance in our lives. Too much of one thing, not enough of another and we are in trouble. My t told me last Friday that he is not going to forget about my pain when he is away this week. He is going to pray for me and that my sadness will not eat me whole. He also said that he has a vault too. A vault that is just for me and sometimes he has to put things aside just as he tries to teach me to do.

I have been on all sides of this in heart, in my head, it is not easy. I am not sure if there is a sure truth to the matter. My t cares about me and I know it. That is what works for me. I hope that if you are someone like me you can hang onto what you know even when doubts are thrown at you. If you are someone who believes their t doesn't care I hope you can find peace with that and continue to have progress in your therapy or have the courage to find what will work for you. Obviously it can work (look at Omer's post ) if you find the right t with the right t approach that works for you.

I reserve the right to have my doubts next week. Because that is just how it goes. Right??

I do truly believe that my T cares about me and that I'm not merely a "job" to him. Of course, my mental and emotional well-being is his primary focus when we are together - but he has told me that he likes me and that he could see us being friends and working on projects together after I'm done with therapy.

And I also know that he thinks of me outside of sessions....as he has brought up some of the times that I've come into his awareness.

I can understand why this thread can be triggering. I am pleased that I am able to separate what's "my stuff" from others...so that I am not consumed with feelings of doubt, etc. A year ago, I may have emmersed myself in those awful feelings....thanks to what I've learned in therapy, I am not going there.