[rainbow8]

The time went too fast today! I had so much to talk about and didn't get to all of it. I wanted T to listen to some music that was important to me, and talking about that took a long time. Then I told her about the incident with my brother. I was somewhat disappointed that she didn't think it was as important as I did. We talked about what she means by "trauma" and how it's not the way I thought she meant.

We talked about my anxiety and she wanted to know if the part that worries so much thinks it's helping to worry, that it must be serving a purpose for me. I have to think about that.

Towards the end of the session I started getting depressed. I think it's because she talked about feeling better in my life again. I said something about the child part (I had said earlier that I was fine during the week without a session) and she asked the question I hate: Does that part know you're there? Finally I said I don't know how to answer that, so she talked about the Self and how it's supposed to be calm and safe. I said I don't feel that way, so we have to work on that. She wants to do meditation with me starting next time.

She also wants to do more EMDR and I said I don't like it because it feels sexual. She wants to do it anyway, says we will just get through it. Actually, I'm not sure what she said, but I will probably try it again in a few weeks. I'm scared of EMDR, but my T thinks it's going to help me so I have to try it again. We only did it a fews times in all.

I already emailed her because of my strong feelings at the end of the session. I told her I had "growing pains" but the child still wants to be with her. She keeps saying she's not going anywhere and I don't have to leave. But I felt sad. I'm nowhere ready to quit therapy but I'm still sad.

I hugged her when I walked in. Just went up to her and said I wanted the hug I didn't get last time. I think she said she was glad to see me, but I don't remember. I do remember that I told her about the PC thread and she said I am not just her job, which I knew already.

I think sessions after a break, even if it's just a week, are hard for me. I wanted to feel so connected, but somehow I didn't. Sometimes she looks like a stranger to me, and doesn't look like the photo I have. I don't know why. Different glasses, maybe. It bothers me. But I still like her, and we have a very good connection. She said so herself.

[mixedup_emotions]

I know how it can be disappointing to not cover everything that you feel you need to in one session. I'm glad that you got your hug and that T was able to give you some reassurance.

About the incident with your brother, I'm curious about how your T responded. Did you mention to her that you were disappointed with her response? I sometimes wonder, too, at times, if things that I recall have made an impact on me. I wouldn't want to read into something too much...nor would I want to ignore something that might be important. It's hard to find that balance. But certainly worthwhile to explore....

[WePow]

(((Rainbow))) It was brave of you to go into session with your heart on your sleeve. That is strange how Ts sometimes just don't see that something is important to us. I think that maybe we have to stop them and say "You said this about that, but this is how I feel about it." ? Maybe they don't realize sometimes what we have on the inside of us?

[rainbow8]

MUE, I don't have any recall of that experience, just my brother's so I don't really know its importance. See my other post; I'm not exactly sure what T thinks!

WePow, thanks to you I asked for a hug first thing and she responded. I know I've come a long way because I never hugged any of my Ts before this one, and I never thought it was something I could do. I didn't like hugging and I was too shy. But there I was asking for one, and it's the second time I did that in this therapy. So, change is happening to me!!!

[granite1]

[ECHOES]

rainbow, I can relate to struggling in the session or two after a break. I think my anger about the break stays hidden, pushed away, until T is back.
But it sounds like you had a really nice session! I'm glad you reconnected in so many ways

[seventyeight]

hi rainbow, did she reply to your email yet? i think it's great that you asked for a hug at the begining. the only other thing i thought of that might help is to email/call her before a session (like this one, after a break) and try to start "reconnecting" before you even get there. just an idea.

[WePow]

((((((Rainbow!)))))))))) That is so wonderful that you are learning how to be able to ask for what you need!!! You should be very proud of yourself for this big step forward!

[Sunshine73]

Rainbow it amazes me how much courage you have - so you are so open and vulnerable with your T.