I can't believe that it's only been two days since I've seen T.

I've barely been able to sleep since my appointment. I just lay in bed, with all of this stuff going through my head. Memories, childhood stuff, thoughts about T, questions about therapy. It's exhausting. And then when I DO get a little sleep, I have crazy, crazy dreams. Last night, I dreamt about T and it was a bad dream and left me unsettled all day.

I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe it's that we didn't really connect on Monday. He left me a message on Tuesday morning and sounded horrible (losing his voice) so maybe he was getting sick on Monday. I don't know.

T thinks I'm having a hard time because of going down to once a week, and I think it's because of the mom stuff, and it's probably both.

I e-mailed T today and he e-mailed back right away. That helped a little. But I'm in another state visiting my inlaws, and I just feel far away. I feel like I REALLY NEED T.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'll NEVER BE OKAY. I'm so much better than I used to be, and still have so far to go.

Tomorrow is my birthday and before I left on Monday, T wrote it on his calendar, so he would remember to think about me on my birthday. T is nice. AND I hate therapy.

[ECHOES]

(((tree))) When 'stuff' and therapy swim around in the head, it is dizzying.

Happy Birthday tomorrow!! What will you do for your birthday?

[seventyeight]

tree, can you make sure you're staying in closer contact with your therapist right now - especially since you're away? i think maybe calling/emailing him each day that you're away might be a good idea right now, so that you don't feel too far out of touch.

you are doing good, you are getting "better".. it's just such a SLOW process, unfortunately. hang in there..

[zooropa]

my T talks a lot about the 4 stages of healing/growth/learning. The way she puts it, stage one is where you don't know anything is wrong. Stage 2 is where you know something is wrong, but you don't know how to fix it. Stage 3 is where you are using the new skills, but it feels weird. Stage 4...I don't know. I think by then my brain is full trying to absorb stages 1-3, lol
Anyway, I am in stage 3 and I think you are, too, Tree. We ARE healing, we ARE getting better, but it doesn't always feel good. It feels weird and sometimes it feels bad because it's so new. But it's part of the process.

I hope you can reconnect soon and get some good sleep too. Sleep deprivation makes everything harder.

I think we have the same birthday, btw. Happy day to you.

[rainbow8]

tree:

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( tree ))))))

I hope you have a good birthday. I will be thinking of you, along with your T....(( hugs ))

[darkrunner]

((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))

I know what you mean about feeling like you'll never be OK.
But you will be! Just keep swimming, ok?

I've barely been able to sleep since my appointment. I just lay in bed, with all of this stuff going through my head.

I can't remember - do you journal? I wonder if that could be a way to get all of the stuff out of your head. I remember you've written stuff on paper and left it in a box on T's desk and that helped -- would it help to try to do something like that?

I feel like I REALLY NEED T.

What things do you need from T, and is there any other way you can get those thing, in addition to the T emails/messages?

[rainbow8]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TREE

[sittingatwatersedge]

Today is your birthday and it would have been my Mom's, too, her 86th (of course she never got nearly that far).

I look at what I know of her life, and the fact that she never made it to therapy, and I look at you and what you are doing and I know you're doing the right thing, I see you healing and growing (admittedly, these have pains of their own, but not like the earlier pain)... I'm happy that you got the opportunity to overcome the past, which apparently she never did. I wish you a happy Birthday dear tree!! and some speedy days till you see T again.

[WePow]

((((((((((Tree)))))))))) Happy Tree-Day !!!! Yippie!

I am glad that your T is thinking about you today too!

Happy birthday Treehouse! I hope it's ok day for you.