I'm not even sure what I need to say here, but I could use some insight.

Today was my 6th (7th?) session with new T. I like her, and I'm beginning to trust her more, but still don't feel entirely comfortable showing emotion or talking about triggers or memories.

Today, I mentioned a trigger that happened a few days ago....it had passed, and I was talking about how I dealt with it at the time. Went for a walk. Called a friend. I got through it. But as I was telling T all this, I got triggered again...I felt nauseous and I couldn't really speak. I felt like I was underwater. She seemed really far away all of a sudden.

New T is really into naming what's going on in your body, which is hard for me. She noticed I was zoning out and asked me what was happening in my body and I just couldn't really speak. I managed to say "I'm not really here right now" and she tried to help me get grounded. She asked if I could feel my feet and my hands and I nodded, but I really felt floaty. She asked me to look at her, and I did and she said "are you back?" and I said yes, but I didn't really feel present the rest of the session.

I sat there quietly and barely spoke the rest of the time while she rattled off ideas for getting grounded. I was just freaking out internally and wanted so much to leave, to run out of there.

She was really kind and tried to help, but I had no idea what to say to her. What I needed at the moment. She suggested maybe I stand up for a minute and stretch, but I just couldn't move.

I am aware that I numb out when faced with triggers. I just completely shut down emotionally and feel really drowsy....I numbed out with old T a couple of times, but it was months and months into our work together and it somehow felt okay to let her see me that way.

I don't yet feel okay letting new T see me this way. Yet, I want to get through the triggers and get better.

Also, T keeps talking about comforting my inner child....I get what she means, except she says "WE need to find ways to comfort that little girl and give her what she didn't get all those years ago." I'm at a loss when she says this because 1) what can she do to comfort that little girl? I don't know what she's offering when she says "we" 2) I'm trying to find ways to comfort myself, but the task feels too huge and overwhelming. Not to mention, sad because it was ALWAYS up to me to comfort myself. No one did it for me.

I guess I just wonder if anyone can relate to this. I'm not too attached to this T yet, and part of me wants to disappear now before ripping off any more bandaids in front of her.

Part of me wants to email her and explain a bit more of what was going on for me internally. She wants to know, but I just feel frozen while it's happening. I can't explain it. But I do think it would be helpful for her to know. I have her email address but she's never said what her policy is on email...I dunno.

[emilyjeanne]

Trust is really hard after only 7 sessions. I'm someone who has taken years to trust my T. So I know how you feel. If you can get the courage I would email your T and explain what is happening internally. I have done that with my T and she has told me that it helps her understand me better. You could also explain that you are not ready to "rip off any more bandaids" right now.

Another thing I just thought of. Maybe you are learning to trust her a little. Allowing her to see you when you are vulnerable and triggered can be a good sign. It might not feel like it. But I would never allow anyone to see me in that state if I didn't trust them.

((((((((((griffin)))))))))))

I had a similar experience on Monday in my therapy...it feels awful to be so vulnerable sometimes. I know when I would get floaty when I first started with T, it felt kind of confusing and awful, because it was too hard to explain why, and because it was hard to know he was sitting there seeing me struggle.

It's STILL hard to let T see me have big feelings, or "leave", 3 years later.

Do you think that since you had such good therapy before, it's easier to just get going now? Maybe it won't take a long long long long time to trust...maybe somewhere inside, you know you're safe, and some trust is already there. I hope if I ever have to switch Ts, that the work I've done with this T learning to trust will make that work easier next time.

Therapy is so hard.

thanks for the replies.

tree, I do think I am developing trust faster this time. I am trusting my instincts more. I don't know if I posted here about this, but in my search for a new T I encountered this one who made me feel totally unsafe. All sorts of alarm bells went off, and I trusted that and walked away from that T.

However, this T felt okay from the get-go, though I am still very cautious partly because she is being cautious with me and not pushing me....I think part of my trigger today is that I got close to telling her something about CSA that it took me about a year to disclose to old T. I felt very surprised and exposed, if that makes sense. So I shut down.

[REEG]

Griffin, that makes a lot of sense. I can relate. It took me so long to get to the spot of stuttering a few words to my old T, I have told my new T much more and that can be a scary place. Much back and forth before the telling.It feels very destablizing to tell T about an incident you thought was "over" only to find yourself triggered again. But is IS worth it..

Just a little update. I did email new T and told her what exactly I was thinking/feeling during the session when I got quiet. I told her I felt like I was underwater and paralyzed. I figured it would be helpful for her to know since she doesn't know me very well yet and is not a mind-reader.

I did not expect a response, but she did reply. Her reply was short, but showed a lot of warmth and appreciation for having shared with her.

[Perna]

One thing that helped me work better with my T was when I imagined she was sitting next to me as I talked to her, like a friend or confidant would, instead of "across" like a teacher or "other" person. It was easier for me to talk about difficult things that way.

It sounds like you're getting better at experiencing the triggering times; they won't just get better suddenly but you'll be a bit freer in feeling and ability to talk each time they happen, kind of like how it happened after seven sessions with this T which took over a year with the last one.

You have to explore the territory of the triggers, play with the wires :-) over and over before you can see their different colors and know which ones to clip to disarm them forever. I bet you'll get there, sounds like you have a good start working with this T.