[ECHOES]

I am in a ridiculous spot in therapy. Maybe it would be called a rupture, I don't know. But I do know that the last session felt wasted and the next session will be about the last session and the phone call in between, and I just want to fast forward past it.

I'd had a really rough weekend. I was home all weekend, nothing out of the ordinary for me. I was feeling really lonely, but could hardly acknowledge it. But I kept getting glimpses of what I want, people in my life, someone to go places with, a close friend who feels comfortable. Casualness. Contentedness.
When I think of how impossible it seems, my thoughts go to that I might just be like this until I die, and that I will die alone, and that between now and then is just work and... not work.
I moved between self pity/hopelessness and thinking about how to do something about finding people to be in my life. I could see my hopelessness, and all the hopeless thoughts, as being a defense against the scary thought of putting myself out there. I can see the obstacle. But that doesn't mean I look at it very long or know what to do about it. I have many ways of not thinking about it/pushing away thoughts about it, from distraction to eating, to really focusing on something outside of me.

So, forgetting half of what had distressed me all weekend, I innocently meander into therapy Monday evening. [Going back to work almost always distracts me from this stuff. Even if I arrive with red cried-out eyeballs, I am usually okay when I start focusing on my work.] But I mention enough to end up in a reluctant discussion about it. She would not shut up. lol I kept trying to figure out how to change the subject but I couldn't find a way to do that. Dumb, I know, but that's how it went. I kept watching the clock tick the time away and felt like I couldn't stop it. And it wasn't just reluctance, it was a kind of being struck by all the things she was saying that I had thought about during the weekend but had forgotten that I had. It was like my brain was playing catch up and I don't know why I couldn't just say "Yeah! I was thinking about that, and wondering about this...".
Idk. I just could not come out to play. lol

So, of course I left mad as heck. Oh, I haven't been that mad yet. Disappointed yeah, frustrated yeah, but that was different.

I made a couple of calls, one on the way home just to say I was mad because I didn't want to spend the whole session on that, and that I couldn't change the subject, and that I was hoping my call would help dissolve the anger.

She called later when I was home and said mostly that I can change the subject any time (I knowwww, but I couldn't. oh well), and that she wanted me to think about how I'd just had a few sessions that felt REALLY good, really connected, and I felt really easily able to 'flow' and how we know that when that happens I will suddenly pull back. Yep, that is so true. So I guess that is what happened again. It got too close for comfort. I was letting her in too much, too far. I was letting myself be vulnerable and that isn't safe.

The problem is that during the very brief phone call, we were disconnected. She had called from her cell, so I just thought she lost the signal and would call back. She didn't and I am POSITIVE she is thinking it was me who hung up. On her. I did this once before, smack in the middle of a huge meltdown; called right back and apologized! But I didn't this time. I was talking and I paused and ... nothing; I looked at my phone and realized we weren't connected any longer.

So I am really really nervous about going back. To be honest, I am very afraid she will think I hung up on her and declare no more phone calls even though I rarely call now. I wonder if she's going to believe me that I didn't hang up. Worse, though, is that I know that most of this next session is going to be about this, so .. there goes another hour! *pouts* Ugh, it's making me feel so anxious!!!!

Sheesh, if you read all this,

Wow, Echoes, I can so relate to so much of that.

Just today, I was thinking how connected I am to T, and almost wondering if I should CONSCIOUSLY pull back. Like, take a break from being connected, just let him be all connected to someone else and do my own thing. WTF? On the one hand, I *think* what I want in my life is connection - to T, to my family, to a higher power, to my friends, to my community. But do I? It's just so comfy and self-protective to isolate. It sucks, but it's safe, you know?

And I can also really relate to having a bad session, and having that leak over into the next session, because it needs to be processed. I guess for me, the work of getting through ruptures does tend to lead towards SOME kind of connection, so it's not usually a waste...but it IS something that I often regret having to spend the time on.

If you are really worried that T thinks you hung up on her, can you just call and leave a message? "This is Echoes, I guess we got cut off in our phone call because all of a sudden you weren't there. I'm feeling all paranoid that you think I hung up on you, and I just want you to know I didn't.". Maybe that will take away at least one worry.

Therapy is just so hard sometimes.

[ECHOES]

Thanks Treehouse. I spent a couple of days thinking that SHE hung up on me, and paranoid about her anger and it was only yesterday that it occurred to me that she is thinking that I hung up on her (again). Because it finally dawned on me that she wouldn't do something like hang up on a patient, so if it wasn't her then....
And of course I (or she!) could have accidentally disconnected. But the fact that I no longer think she did, and that she didn't call back, makes me worry.

I'm afraid if I say anything, or call and leave a message, that she'll just think I'm trying to deny something I did. I feel like there is no way out of this one, that she's going to think I did something I didn't.

[Perna]

Oh, Echoes, I'm vacationing in Florida for the whole month of February but my father-in-law died several years ago so we're not going to Dunedin anymore but East Coast/the Fort Lauderdale area instead! Dang.

Maybe she will think you hung up on her but will she think you a liar when you tell your side of the story and concerns over what she thought? I'm not a liar and my honesty is well-known so I would not have any trouble, even if I had once hung up on my T (I was just too chicken to call her in the first place and can't imagine hanging up on someone; I'm not good with phones :-)

I would try to dilute the anxiety over whether she thinks you hung up on her in that way; use reverse psychology on myself knowing that just because you might think that of her, she's a T and probably is more curious as to what actually happened than assigning an imagined happening to it and labeling it "negatively".

[ECHOES]

Perna, thanks In my mind, I have her so angry and that is why she didn't call back to see what happened. I mean, I was mid-thought when I noticed the silence...

Which just made me laugh right now, because how many TIMES have I said "But I really LIKE the silences!"

You know, Florida is a narrow state... it is but a short drive over here....
Have a great snowbird trip

[Perna]

There's always the "weary" factor. I got a new set of house phones for Christmas because ours were hanging up; my sister and I had to call each other back five times when we talked just after Christmas; it's what got me to make my husband install the new phones. If she's been dealing with a bad/uncharged cell phone all day, she might have just "given up" on phone calls for a bit.

Too, maybe she had another 2-3 people hang up on her that day and did assume you did too, that being the way her day was going

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I'm afraid if I say anything, or call and leave a message, that she'll just think I'm trying to deny something I did. I feel like there is no way out of this one, that she's going to think I did something I didn't.

Did this happen with a parent?

[SpiritRunner]

I read it all!
I can understand what you mention about the pulling back after a few sessions have felt really connected - I get that feeling sometimes. We have a really special session, then the next one might feel flat, so I go into the next feeling like pulling away. But then, the last 3 weeks or so have been so intense, and more contact than usual with her and too many things coming out which were uncomfortable for me to address, now I find myself wanting to pull away for self-protection....I think that's what it is, a sort of wishing I hadn't trusted someone so much and doubting her caring responses. But I think it's probably rather normal to have an ebb and flow, too.
And I like what treehouse said about just calling her and leaving a message about it....maybe this would change the image you have in your head!

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Did this happen with a parent?

Yes, I never felt believed and felt guilty about things that I didn't do. My perceptions and truths were never right/true. Very frustrating!

One thing that comes to mind: Both parents were smokers and when I was a teen, every time I was looking for my purse, my father would ask if I was looking for my cigs. Every time. I didn't smoke! I hated smoking. Nothing I could do or say could convince him. If I opened my purse then I was hiding them, etc. grr. lol

[rainbow8]

ECHOES: Ts don't think like that. I mean she's not going to think you hung up on her if you tell her you didn't. I'm sorry your session was disappointing and hard for you. But a session like that can be informative because it's about your issues are that you don't/can't work on right now. I know I've gotten angry when my T used to spend a long time on something I just wanted to ignore.

Can you tell her some of what you posted? I can understand the wanting to pull back, that you let T in too much. It kind of makes you all anxious and vulnerable. I know the feeling. If you can stand it, that's where the healing comes, though. Isn't it?

I know therapy is so frustrating and difficult, and who wants to spend a whole session discussing the previous one? Maybe you can limit the time on it if you want to get into something else? Tell T right away that you want to talk about something else?

I'm sure it will work out!

[Sannah]

That does sound very frustrating. Do you catch yourself when you reflexively react that way?

[ECHOES]

Thank you, poetgirl.

I'm sure you are right that the ebb and flow are natural. I think T and I have talked about how that is a natural part of any relationship.

And yes, I think the pulling back is for self-protection. If I could just name it like that, I think it would be easier to handle.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Sannah

That does sound very frustrating. Do you catch yourself when you reflexively react that way?

I can be in these situations and feel okay, because I know my own truth.
But this being the important therapy relationship, it feels really dangerous, like I have made The Mistake that will cost me the relationship.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

But this being the important therapy relationship, it feels really dangerous, like I have made The Mistake that will cost me the relationship.

So it is really triggering. You know that the past and the present are different with this, though?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I can be in these situations and feel okay, because I know my own truth.
But this being the important therapy relationship, it feels really dangerous, like I have made The Mistake that will cost me the relationship.

Wow, i wish I could say "I know my own truth".
I wonder if it is for your healing that this happens, just so you will experience the fact that this is not The Mistake - or that there is none - ? - that would end the important therapy relationship. Echoes

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I can be in these situations and feel okay, because I know my own truth.
But this being the important therapy relationship, it feels really dangerous, like I have made The Mistake that will cost me the relationship.

I love the "I know my own truth"! That's a powerful thing to have within you.....

[ECHOES]

Thank you rainbow

I plan to tell her about what I posted. I feel like I need to get it all out. I think I will worry about her being angry until I see what's what though.

She has been trying to help me see this pattern of approach and retreat. I get so caught up in the emotional distress though, that I can't make sense of it on my own. Maybe this will be the episode that drives it home for me, so I can notice it, begin to catch it and learn from it.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Wow, i wish I could say "I know my own truth".
I wonder if it is for your healing that this happens, just so you will experience the fact that this is not The Mistake - or that there is none - ? - that would end the important therapy relationship. Echoes

sawe and poetgirl, I don't always, but when I am in one of those times when I feeel like I know my own truth and the other person doesn't get to define that for me, then these times aren't so hard. I guess I am taking on guilt for something just because I thought it. Another issue of mine.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So it is really triggering. You know that the past and the present are different with this, though?

But I don't know. I won't know if this might be something that kills the therapy relationship until I see her next. And what if it does because she believes something that isn't true, and I can't convice her otherwise.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

But I don't know. I won't know if this might be something that kills the therapy relationship until I see her next. And what if it does because she believes something that isn't true, and I can't convice her otherwise.

What we have experienced in the past is so strong until we get a few experiences under our belts that are different. When we are triggered, our feelings dominate which can't be objective and rational. Your rational mind knows that your therapist is not unhealthy like your parents.

When you "know your own truth" with some people Echoes are these people those who you don't have a relationship with, (or a close relationship with)?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

sawe and poetgirl, I don't always, but when I am in one of those times when I feeel like I know my own truth and the other person doesn't get to define that for me, then these times aren't so hard. I guess I am taking on guilt for something just because I thought it. Another issue of mine.

for me it goes something like this....I make assumptions sometimes based on perceptions that may or may not be accurate. My T has started calling me out on that - she'll be like, OK, is that really how that person (maybe my husband) would react or is that how you think/feel that person would react? The purpose of that question being to look at my perceptions and where they're coming from.....a negative perception coming from a negative thought or a negative memory (a sort of transference, I guess, if you will!), and maybe I'm making a false assumption about someone's thought/reaction simply because I have a misperception that's really rooted in my own pattern/history. Oops, I made that sound complicated!And probably different than where you are coming from, maybe too. But I need to learn to do better what you said - that the other person (or the thought or memory or old wound) doesn't get to define something for me.....

[ECHOES]

When you "know your own truth" with some people Echoes are these people those who you don't have a relationship with, (or a close relationship with)?

I thought about this. I experience this in degrees. I don't have close relationships, but I can see that it does matter who that other person is, in relation to me. If it is a casual aquaintance, then it is not so big a deal and I feel comfortable with my own thoughts. If it is someone more, a relative or *eek* my boss, then the anxiety gets triggered just like this.

[Sannah]

THat's what I thought, the boundaries are different for you with these 2 types of relationships.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

for me it goes something like this....I make assumptions sometimes based on perceptions that may or may not be accurate. My T has started calling me out on that - she'll be like, OK, is that really how that person (maybe my husband) would react or is that how you think/feel that person would react? The purpose of that question being to look at my perceptions and where they're coming from.....a negative perception coming from a negative thought or a negative memory (a sort of transference, I guess, if you will!), and maybe I'm making a false assumption about someone's thought/reaction simply because I have a misperception that's really rooted in my own pattern/history. Oops, I made that sound complicated!And probably different than where you are coming from, maybe too. But I need to learn to do better what you said - that the other person (or the thought or memory or old wound) doesn't get to define something for me.....

You explained that really well, and not too complicated And I can relate to challenging the thoughts. (I did some REBT therapy that involved thought challenging that was helpful to a degree). My therapists does the same thing. She listens then she gets that look and she smiles and asks if something 'has to' be that way and could it be any other way. I have a very hard time relating things to my history, but she lets me know that is also a defense (against looking within )

My son observed of me once "Just because you think something, you think it's true!". Ouch! Perceptive guy : )

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Sannah

THat's what I thought, the boundaries are different for you with these 2 types of relationships.

Because one feels safer? Because there is more at stake with one than the other? Because the connection feels so tennuous? Because the trigger is from the parental relationship, the first intimate relationship?

My brain is tired.. lol