[rainbow8]

In my email to my T, I told her how it's such a big deal to me that she does these nice things for me, like says she likes me, will take a walk with me, will email me, holds my hand, etc. They are such a big deal when they really aren't if someone else does them! Yet I get all happy and excited and satisfied when my T, who is just another person like me, says she will do these things! I even told her I was going to start this thread!!

So, why is what our T gives us so special?

[Sannah]

I think because they understand us so well and with their relationship with us it is all about us and not about them at all. Other relationships can't be so one sided for us (except the parent/child relationship when we were small, but we are all here because our parents didn't make it more about us like it should have been).

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

In my email to my T, I told her how it's such a big deal to me that she does these nice things for me, like says she likes me, will take a walk with me, will email me, holds my hand, etc. They are such a big deal when they really aren't if someone else does them! Yet I get all happy and excited and satisfied when my T, who is just another person like me, says she will do these things! I even told her I was going to start this thread!!

So, why is what our T gives us so special?

well, the big deal to me anyway, is that this is a person to whom I've given a deep trust, with whom I share my ugliest, darkest parts, my fears, my hurts.....these are special things that I am giving. So in turn, considering that I have shown so much of my deepest self and really am afraid of being rejected, and that one of my deepest fears has always been of someone seeing the depth of pain within and recoiling from it, it means so much more, feels so much more validating, when my T does do special things for me or says that I am special....

[rainbow8]

Sannah, okay but my Mom was overprotective and did make it about me. Always. But I guess that wasn't good for me either, I've been told. Her anxiety, I mean.

[Verbascum]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

So, why is what our T gives us so special?

The combination of very intense emotions you experience with him/her, in combination with the fact there is only so little to be got of it, since the whole T thing is so limited and restricted in every way.

Like when you were young, a cookie tasted so much better because you only got one on sunday
They don't taste better when you can buy and eat as many packages a day as you want, unfortunately...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

my Mom was overprotective and did make it about me. Always. But I guess that wasn't good for me either, I've been told. Her anxiety, I mean.

But this wasn't about you. It was about her, it was about her anxiety. What she did wasn't what you needed. If you got what you needed it would have been about you.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Sannah, okay but my Mom was overprotective and did make it about me. Always. But I guess that wasn't good for me either, I've been told. Her anxiety, I mean.

I think a parent being overprotective is more about meeting their needs/alleviating fears than about the child's true needs...you sensed her anxiety and perhaps that left you with a feeling that the love/care she was giving had a big element in it that was more about filling a space in her....and it left a space in you maybe that needs a love that is all about you!

[rainbow8]

But my Mom did it out of love for me. I know that for a fact. There was no abuse or anything like that. This is where I'm stuck. I just don't get it!!!!

[rainbow8]

Do you mean what I needed was for her to LET GO of me?
You'd think I'd never discussed this in therapy. I have but I always defend my parents because they loved me very much.

[Sannah]

Even parents who love can mess up because of their own issues.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Even parents who love mess up because of their own issues.

yup......

[granite1]

maybe the goal in the long run is to have it not feel so special and something you are able to feel everyday for yourself.you are working so hard in therapy.i love reading how far you have come

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

So, why is what our T gives us so special?

He knows me so well, but yet he's still nice to me. Therefore, I must be OK! There is just something so wonderful about sharing deeply with someone and having them like you for who you are, not betraying you, using the information you've shared against you, etc.

Originally Posted by Sannah

it is all about us and not about them at all. Other relationships can't be so one sided

For me, this is not it, but I can see how it could be important for some. I treasure what elements of reciprocity there are about the relationship. T seems to be really good about making me feel the relationship is reciprocal. Maybe it's a somewhat false construct, but he has participated in its building. It works for me!

[ballet_girl]

My T knows all of the worst things about me, but she is still willing to see me. When she does something extra for me its so much more special knowing what she knows about me.

Also, I'm just curious about what you wrote about taking walks with your t. Do you do that in session? How do you keep it confidential? I would like to do something like that with my T if I could convince her