Going nowhere

Right now I feel like therapy is going nowhere. Some days I feel like I shouldn't even bother because I'm just going to leave the session feeling so alone and confused and scared. I want to talk to my T but I don't think she will ever understand me, I don't think anyone will. I've kept myself in this shell for so many years, since I was a teen, and I keep my thoughts to myself. My T wants me to talk about my SA, but I have never talked about it with anyone and she knows that. Sometimes I will open up a little bit and talk, but then I get into this mood like I am in right now where I don't talk and I just can't seem to find the words. It's so frustrating I don't think I'll ever be able to talk. My T does 99% of the talking during our sessions and to me that just seems like a waste of time. I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess I'm just frustrated and I don't know what to do anymore.

((((((((((Dani)))))))))))))))) Bless your heart !!!!
A big part of therapy for those who are healing is to just show up.
But if you are not healing yet, it may be time to get another healer.

You are afraid to talk?

Honestly I think the problem is just me. I'm not much of a talker and it's hard for me to trust anyone or open up. I've thought about starting over with a different therapist, but there aren't very many options in my area and I'm afraid I would just end up with the same problems.

Sometimes I am. It's hard to explain...I guess I've kept everything inside for so many years, kept silent, and it's very difficult to talk about anything because I've had it all kept to myself for so long. It feels so strange to me to talk about the past because I've never talked about some of these things with anyone.

I just feel weird because I sometimes think my T wants me to just talk about things that happened, like maybe I'm not a "normal" client that can just talk about what happened. I've never said it out loud and that's what scares me the most.

Yes, you would probably have the same issues with another therapist. It is hard to start talking about this stuff after you have been quiet about it for so long. Do you think that you have to be totally "normal" while talking about this stuff? Actually, what is "normal" when people talk about painful stuff is that they are emotional, it hurts, you can contort your face and cry. It definitely isn't a "normal" conversation and this is totally okay and this is what the therapist expects.

Unfortunately, my T was sick on Monday so my appt was canceled. She's been booked all week but I was able to get an appt to see her Friday morning. This has been an awful week and I'm struggling so badly. I just got news that one of my kitties has cancer and I will have to have her put down, but I don't know if I can do it because I love her so much and hate having to make this decision on my own.

I am so sorry about your kitty. I understand your feelings. My mommie eskie dog had a tumor removed last spring & I have been hearing her coughing lately....praying that the cancer didn't spread, but no money for the vet. I can truly understand your sorrow. What I have found from my past pets that are my children is that they let you know when the time is right for you to put the down......but they are full of love & caring through it all up until almost the end of their life. No need to make the decision to put them down before the time is right....keep loving & caring.....you will know when the time is right.

I have always found that when I am at a rough place in dealing with my past, something always happens in the present that take priority over dealing with my past.

Many people who have gone through SA have been threatened to keep quiet & not say anything or they will get in worse trouble or other worse things may happen.....don't know if that was the case with you, but that also may be what is causing you to have problems being able to open up & express anything about what happened to you. Constant threats & fear to keep quiet isn't something that is easy to let go of even if they don't really exist in the present (just a thought)

The reason we deal with the things of our past is because until we deal with them, they end up controlling us & our thoughts....once we are able to let go, then we are finally able to free ourselves from that past prison.

Our community mental health group offers DBT groups....something I just started going to this week.....the purpose is for us to be able to recognize & get in control of our thoughts & the dialogs that go on in our heads & learn skills that can help us in our healing. Wondering if you have a community mental health group where you live. I never considered going to a community care facility after what I observed in California.....but here in KY....it's the best place to find the best psychologists & therapists & groups that are available to expand on the therapy sessions........maybe you could find something like that in your area & be able to find a comprehensive care facility that might be better than what you are experiencing at this point.

I'm glad that you were able to reschedule your appt. I hope it goes well. I'm sorry about your cat.