Is therapy helping me or hurting me? If it's hurting me, what should I do?

A relationship with a therapist is unlike a relationship with a spouse. I don't know what you are talking about.

That's not why I went to therapy.

My problems are severe and I don't want to do the work. I just want to fix what I wanted to fix when I went to therapy.

Blu ray, My response will not be popular here. If you are feeling this strongly so soon into therapy I will say to cut your losses now and get out! I sure wish I would have then. You are right the transference does not get better. Your t will not be able to give you what you want and all else fails to compare. I seriously wish I would have been able to step away then because I am hurting more now as time goes on. Good luck Blu Ray. Don't let your t tell you that it gets better because I know that it doesn't and even though people may say it does there are many people that will agree it doesn't and they won't speak up.

It sounds to me as though you have answered your original question for yourself. That therapy certainly isn't helping, and may, in fact, be hurting you.

It's certainly not beneficial at all for everyone.

There may be other avenues to explore that you may find to be a better fit for you.

The pain you feel may or may not get better. If it does, it takes a whole lot of work from you. That I can say for sure. It may also take a long time, and processing it takes a lot of energy.

I've chosen to fully engage in psychotherapy and it has proven to be an extremely benefical effort on my part. My life is immensely better now than prior to therapy.

However, if you decide to leave, it's not like psychotherapy is suddenly going to close up shop and disappear. You can always come back.

Good luck.

blueray, would it help, do you think, to stop going to therapy now? You can give it a go and see if you feel better. You can always choose to go back later if you want to. It really is up to you - see what feels best.

It takes a lot of time. Give it some more. I think you may be feeling this way as a reaction that part of you wants to cut and run. Talk about this with your T. You haven't even really reached the point of trust with your T yet. Hang in there.

Were you thinking your therapist would solve your problems for you? Your therapist can help you learn/discover/empower/have the courage to solve your problems, but he/she cannot do it for you. If you are not learning how to do this, definitely tell your therapist. Maybe being more goal-directed in therapy would help.

Please discuss this with your therapist. I don't think the therapist intends to cause permanent harm, but as I wrote, therapy can be painful and the therapist must sometimes cause pain to help you heal, like peeling back the dead skin to reveal the new healthy skin beneath. Also, if you are not strong enough for deep work at this time, then the therapist can provide supportive therapy and help you develop coping skills. It is very important to discuss this issue with your T. How would your T answer if you said, "I can't take the pain. This is harming me"?

What is your way of thinking? Different sorts of people prefer different sorts of therapy. Maybe how you are and how you think is not a good match for the type of therapy you are doing. So arguing with people is helpful to you? Perhaps it helps you clarify your own values and desires?

Therapy doesn't always proceed on a defined course where we do A then B then C. If working on finding partners is most important to you now, then you can tell your T and move that goal to the top of your list.

Therapy has helped me tremendously and I have not had transference. Maybe just little bits here and there, but it is not a central part to my therapy and has not been necessary for lots of progress and healing. blu ray, could it be that a transference-centered therapy (is that what you have?) is not the best fit for you? If you are experiencing transference in your therapy and it is becoming central to your work and you don't want it to be, you can always quit therapy and begin with someone else with whom that will not happen. (Or you can quit and not do therapy at all. Perhaps you have learned enough to be able to solve your problems on your own now--which is great!)

WHat you want from the therapist is what a person can get from a spouse. You can't have it from the therapist and this is why you are unhappy with this relationship right now.

I agree, maybe therapy isn't for you then if what it can offer and what you have to do to get there isn't what you want to do.

This is exactly what was told to me. It burned me to the core, and I was quite angry that this statement was made to me. But, when I look back on it now, I WAS looking for someone to be my "spouse". I am married but not in what I would call a healthy relationship.

Transference is something that none of us think will ever happen to us. It is HARD to deal with. A year into my therapy, I still struggle with this. I still have the "fight or flight" issue. When things get tough in therapy, we tend to want to GET OUT. Often times we want to blame the therapist, when in reality, they are just doing their job.

I don't know what your situation is, or what you were looking to find in therapy. Like Kacey, I agree that it can be hurtful, just as much as it can be helpful. It is something that you will have to figure out on your own.

I can say that it does take time. A long time to build trust with a therapist. For me, that took 9 months. Now, I can talk with her about anything and we are making a lot of progress. I am glad that I stuck it out. But, it is definitely not for everyone.

Keep posting and venting here on PC. It is good for you to get your emotions out. We are here to listen and support. Some posts may make you angry, but sometimes anger is a good thing. Don't hesitate to say what you want or need to say.

No, that is not true. Therapists are trained to deal with difficult people. If I don't say anything, if I throw a temper tantrum, if I am unreasonable, if I make a sarcastic comment, if I don't understand, my psychologist responds with a warm, friendly smile.

But a spouse, as a human being who is not getting paid to hide his or her true emotions or portray himself or herself a certain way, is probably not going to respond in the same manner, or even tolerate that type of behavior. And that's assuming that you are actually able to find a person you like and who wants to be your spouse.

So, no, a spouse cannot give me what a therapist can. And that's where my misery comes from. I will never have what I "want".

But if you are in therapy you are supposed to work through this and move to more compatable behavior.

Not my therapist. She is a real human being and treats me in a genuine way. She does not respond with a warm friendly smile if i am throwing a temper tantrum or acting out.

in response to the title of this thread, I haven't a clue.

(((bluray))) three months is not a very long time, although it may seem like it. I haven't read all these responses but I hope you will, this is a group of people who have journeys of their own and have learned many lessons along the way.

If I could just gently point out that you say you started therapy to deal with apathy problems, and now you seem disturbed at the feelings that you find coming up for your T... these feelings will change, as you grow and heal, but I hope they will help you to realize that you are definitely not in the same place you were before - your apathy is not in play here. You can take some encouragement from this, it indicates that you are working hard and I think you should believe yr T when you hear that all is well.

Please go gently with yourself. One thing I hear repeatedly on this forum, "it takes as long as it takes"... and for you it may take more than 3 months. And that is OK. Come back and let us know how you go

I do think that therapy is not always helpful if you don't know what you want from it. Not all therapists are stronger than all patients. If you want to engage your therapist in a challenge-- "I don't know what I want, but help me! (but you can't!)" then there is a good chance you might really win that battle. I hope you don't take that the wrong way though, I think that dynamic you described makes a lot of sense, and for many, many many people in therapy that's part of the process.

Maybe you need someone to test right now. It seems you admire this woman because whatever you dish out, she can take it?

But if you do decide that you want therapy to teach you how to have a more challenging-type relationship ....... (and that's your first priority, ahead of whatever else made you seek treatment)..... then yeah, I would say ask this therapist to be more realistic with you. If you trust her, you can tell her, "I want to know how I come off to you. what should I work on?" Or you can find another therapist whose personality is more blunt and will give you more feedback about dating, or whatever questions you have in life. You can have a caring relationship, where the other person doesn't sugar coat everything. This is ultimately the goal of a real life relationship.

I know this is already suuper super long but I just want to add, that judging by some of the answers youu have gotten on here, maybe you are putting yourself somewhat into a corner. Maybe you expect that others will find you somehwat difficult to please? But the thing is, you might not actually have to change that much to get a relationship. The ideal is to find someone who likes the person you are. There are people who make good partners out there and you can definitely find one. Sorry for the long semi rambling response & hope this helps.