[lavieenrose]

Maybe it's my ADD fog, or resistance, or dissociation, but I never recall anything specific from therapy sessions. I can recall generally that I'm often in chronic emotional distress, talk about that, disappointments, fears, current situational stressors, occasionally family of origin dynamics. I worry a lot about cognitive decline and dementia, and these memory problems only support that fear. I don't think that therapy can help if it can't be digested, integrated.

I've had a lot of therapy and therapists over the decades. It's usually as hard to remember the content of sessions as it is to recall dreams and jokes. It's frustrating. Therapy has also felt stalled out for a while, and I've brought it up with T. I feel that she's caring and well-intentioned, but maybe doesn't have new ideas for moving ahead. It's as though I've passed on to her my feeling of futility (just my subjective experience). I went to her initially for EMDR, which, I think, made me feel worse over time. I couldn't "graduate" from one particular childhood scenario, which still has deep roots that reach into my present day issues. Perhaps, talk therapy did what it could long ago, and isn't what I need. I'm just showing up weekly, and venting and getting support, but is that all I get? I hope I'm making sense. I'm not sure. I entered a "protective bubble" of dissociation as a young child to escape an emotionally charged, chaotic family environment. I never fully emerged from the bubble.

[Chronic]

I have trouble recalling sessions too. When I am there I get so anxious that I don't really know what I am saying and feel totally dissociated. When I wallk out I feel like I have just dreamt the session. Like you, I remember the general feeling of the session but never the specifics. I have spoken to T about this loads of times and we have tried recording sessions so I can listen to it between session which just made me obsessed with listening to the tape and analysing every word, then when I got to session I still couldn't recall anything. We spend time writing things down at the end of session so that I can look at it during the week to help me remember. I have a Reflection Review form (T is CBT) which I fill out as soon as I get home, but still all of these things don't help me feel present in session or help remember the specifics. It is really frustrating because I feel that it is preventing me from progessing

Originally Posted by lavieenrose

I entered a "protective bubble" of dissociation as a young child to escape an emotionally charged, chaotic family environment. I never fully emerged from the bubble.

Do you feel dissociated just in therapy or does it happen in other situations?

[sugahorse1]

I found out recently that especially towards the end of my session, I tend to get stressed and anxious, causing me to dissociate. I told my T this, so she's aware of it. I still joked that I need to bring my own notebook to make notes (In hindsight, it seems like a feasible idea).
So yes, I battle too. Luckily my T takes notes, and if I forget what we discussed by the time I get to my next session, she can fill in the gaps for me.

I generally find that I am battling with my memory a lot recently. Not sure if it's my psych meds, or stress/depression

[granite1]

i have a really hard time remembering what my T has said .i will usually go home and write it in my journal as soon as i can and sometimes as i relax some stuff will come back to me .sometimes as long as a few days later.writing it down helps

[with or without you]

I have a really good memory, but sometimes I forget a lot of what we talk about. I can summarize what we've talked about going back maybe 4 or 5 months, but after that, everything else runs together. However, I can remember specific details of visits we've had at crucial times in my life...such as the session 2 days after my father died, and the last visit we had before I moved.

Nowadays I really wish I would've written down notes of all my time with T, there would be almost 10 years worth. Part of me thinks it would be fun to go back and read all the different things she's said, little stories, or my own observations that I've long since forgotten; they would be like little gifts. But then part of me thinks it might be painful, and might feed the clinginess to her that I'm trying to control right now. When I sent her my written feelings about my attachment to her about a month or so ago, one section was full of little vignettes in therapy that I managed to remember, like little quotes of hers. So I have managed to remember a decent bit, I guess.

[lavieenrose]

Thanks Chronic for your post. I do feel sort of dissociated in other situations, maybe more like very inattentive, distracted by negative thoughts and emotions a lot. It's not like I can't account for time, though I waste huge amounts every day, being slow and disorganized.

[lavieenrose]

Thanks Sugahorse. I can't figure out how much is very high constant stress, depression, ADD becoming worse with age, sleep problems, or the sleep med, lunesta. However, it's been a problem for years and the insomnia and lunesta is recent. There's always been a feeling of being enshrouded in some cognitive fog.

[lavieenrose]

Thanks Granite. I should try jotting notes after each session. I have this weird problem when notebooks or papers pile up. Makes me anxious and I avoid reviewing them. I don't mean to be so difficult. It's my difficulty relaxing enough to sit and read. It wasn't always this hard.

Thanks, With you or without you. Your recall is enviable.

[skeksi]

It sounds like you are having two issues: one is that you are so dissociated, and another is that therapy via EMDR stalled out. Both are frustrating.

I think the suggestion of jotting notes after a session is excellent. Doing so is the only way I have any idea what goes on each week. When my dissociation was at its worst, I had to jot notes *in*session, because waiting until I got to my car was enough time for it all to disappear. Perhaps raising this with your T might yield some helpful strategies, too. For example, when I am dissociating a lot I ask my T to review his notes with me at the beginning of each session. This helps me feel connected and on track from the very start.

I get the EMDR frustration, too. I was doing exposure therapy with my T and he stopped it because he said it was hurting more than helping. I felt like such a failure. We've found other ways to do trauma processing in more manageable chunks.

Things can be stalled, but they can also get unstuck. Have faith in the process and talk about this with your T. Maybe examining this stuckness is exactly what you need to happen to move foward?

[ECHOES]

It can be hard to break the habit of vacating the present.
I do remember more of my session when I am fully present, engaged, and fairly relaxed. It's taken over 3 years for that to happen more often. It doesn't take long though for a lot of what I remember to fade away and sometimes I just completely forget something and if T refers to it even at the next session, I'm just so shocked that I've forgotten.

But I accept it as part of the process.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by lavieenrose

Thanks Granite. I should try jotting notes after each session. I have this weird problem when notebooks or papers pile up. Makes me anxious and I avoid reviewing them. I don't mean to be so difficult. It's my difficulty relaxing enough to sit and read. It wasn't always this hard.

Thanks, With you or without you. Your recall is enviable.

what i use is a leather bound journal.i totally understand about not wanting a notebook pile up.maybe you can also ask your T to review your last session with you before you start

[lavieenrose]

Thank you Skeksi, ECHOES, and granite1. I'm not sure how to differentiate between dissociation and attention deficit. Through decades of therapy, not much time was spent targeting dissociation per se. The theme of resistance came up last week. I've always had a powerful, deep, often unconscious belief that "I cannot change", which has rendered my efforts impotent. T pointed to an underlying anger, a rebellion against change, rooted in early anger at my family's neglect of me. I hope I can move beyond it at last. I've been trying for over 30 years of therapy.

[imapatient]

I'm not sure.








Sorry, feeling mischievous right now.

Yes, esp. the more intense it was.

[ECHOES]

lavieenrose, your post made me think about an interesting way to journal that I might try. That is to write about the session right when I get home, then again the next day or the day after, and then again the day before the next session. I am curious to see how much I remember the day before my next session of what I wrote about initially.

I think that the process of therapy doesn't require us to recall all of the session. I used to feel inept because I didn't remember, and sometimes shocked and embarassed when my therapist would refer to something that I had completely forgotten, but now I just accept that it happens.