[Melbadaze]

Recently in T, I felt T was impatient, perhaps even angry at me about something so I asked her and she said no she wasn't impatient but understands how I heard it that way, she said she was challenging me and her motivation was to help me see something within myself.

I've always prided myself on being able to deal with lots of deep hard stuff in therapy but this is the first time I realised I do have a reaction to being challenged. As I sat with the many reactions I was having without blindly reacting to them I was shocked, I didnt recognise myself. This felt/feels like a chance if I can find the courage to deal with it adultly a good chance to work through something, but all my old instincts were screaming lol!

I wonder how others react to being challenged, or perhaps like me some dont reallly know yet are still in the acting out their defense against it? But if sat and thought about it honestly begin to see that perhaps they too have a desire to escape the challenge?

[Sannah]

I think that it is normal to not want to be challenged. I think that we have to work on being comfortable with it, it is a skill that needs to be acquired. It was definitely a skill that I needed to acquire.

[Chronic]

I find T challenges me more than I would like. I either become defensive or withdraw completely. Sometimes I wonder if he does it just to get me to react for once

[Perna]

I always had trouble/felt "challenged" when T asked a question! My stepmother was a master at asking rhetorical/double-bind questions and it took me a long time to differentiate between "true"/caring questions and the ugly kind.

I smoothed the way on "understanding" a lot of things in therapy when I realized how much I used and valued my imagination, creativity, good humor, etc. I like experimenting and seeing how things work for "me" so challenges fell right into that. A great many of what I had thought were "bad" symptoms turned out to be rather clever, well-honed tools.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Sannah

It was definitely a skill that I needed to acquire.

Can you say how you acquired it?

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Perna

I always had trouble/felt "challenged" when T asked a question! My stepmother was a master at asking rhetorical/double-bind questions and it took me a long time to differentiate between "true"/caring questions and the ugly kind.

Yes I think this is part of my problem too working out whats being done to help me versus whats being done to hurt me.

[Sannah]

When I would be challenged I would react and I kept working with it like I did with all my triggers. I would get challenged and I would have all those feelings come up against it and I would tell myself "okay, you are being challenged and you don't like it." "It is okay". "I want you to get used to being challenged so I want you to calm down and don't think that it is a bad thing". I kept working on it and I worked through it. Now I like to be challenged because it gets me thinking and I like to think.

Also, I think that it has something to do with our self worth and I worked a lot on my self worth. Being challenged is like someone telling you that you aren't good enough. I learned to believe that I am okay the way I am and when I am being challenged it isn't my worth that is being challenged. What is being challenged is my thoughts or beliefs, not my worth.

[Melbadaze]

Yes, Think its about trust too, trusting that the person challenging has the credentials to do so. If I think someones challenging me who hasn't earnt my trust then I can ignore it, I guess its when its someone whom we respect.

[Sannah]

Never thought about it that way. If they were driving me crazy with foolishness I would walk away but I think that I would respond the same way, like I explained, to anyone.

[Perna]

Actually, it helped me to look at whether the challenge was warranted or not, was true? Then it didn't matter so much who did the challenging.

I had a boss who humiliated me in public and I was humiliated because he was making fun of my "speech" and that hurt because I do have trouble making myself understood/speaking plainly and completely. But, I looked and saw how hard I was working on this in therapy (why I was in therapy in the first place) and accepted that, yes, it did hurt to be prodded in such a tender spot.

However, I then looked at the criticism and the whole picture and I was being criticized when I was trying to be helpful and there was no mention of that, no "useful" words in the criticism, not even any negative should/shouldn't do this or that advice, just negative, you're-an-idiot, type name calling.

Looking at the whole picture, I was able to find my anger at being treated that way and came up with a "plan" for how not to be treated that way again by him or what to do if I were; I determined to not offer to help that boss (he wasn't my boss, just a generic vice president of the company) and to stay out of his way as much as possible, only doing what he directly asked me to do (despite liking to be helpful and volunteering to be helpful generally) and keeping that "doing" as spartan as possible. If he ever made fun of me again I would call him on it and tell him if he did it a "next" time, I would quit (I was, fortunately, in a position to do that). The whole plan really made me feel better/empowered.

I learned looking at and weighing the challenge, itself, first, and then the people making the challenge, second, was helpful to me.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

When I would be challenged I would react and I kept working with it like I did with all my triggers. I would get challenged and I would have all those feelings come up against it and I would tell myself "okay, you are being challenged and you don't like it." Now I like to be challenged because it gets me thinking and I like to think. Sometimes I don't mind being challenged, but it's usually when it's something I'm not so attached to and am willing to concede I need help understanding better or when it's something that's more intellectual.....when it has to do with deep core issues/emotional issues/beliefs, etc, I still have a huge discomfort with being challenged! I like to think too and think deep......This is what I like about my T, that she does challenge me and make me think, but it sure doesn't mean I always like it at all when she challenges a core issue/feeling!

Also, I think that it has something to do with our self worth and I worked a lot on my self worth. Being challenged is like someone telling you that you aren't good enough. I learned to believe that I am okay the way I am and when I am being challenged it isn't my worth that is being challenged. What is being challenged is my thoughts or beliefs, not my worth.

Yep, here it is...I am still learning that it is not my worth that is being challenged - but so often growing up, and in other experiences I have had, it was often my worth that was being challenged and cast into doubt...... as well as my character, by some. So I still have huge issues with self-worth and find it so hard to understand, really believe that it really isn't my worth or my character that's being questioned. Or that if my thoughts and beliefs are being questioned, those don't have to be tied in with my self-worth! Something my T is trying to help me with too....

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Yes, Think its about trust too, trusting that the person challenging has the credentials to do so. If I think someones challenging me who hasn't earnt my trust then I can ignore it, I guess its when its someone whom we respect.

I think I see what you're saying, Melba. If there's someone I trust/respect more, it is easier to accept them challenging me on something, because it's easier to believe that they aren't doing it blindly, or with a false sort of judgment. Like I do accept my T challenging me, even when I don't like it or it hurts to see what she's saying, because she has earned that right, has earned my respect/trust.

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Yes, Think its about trust too, trusting that the person challenging has the credentials to do so. If I think someones challenging me who hasn't earnt my trust then I can ignore it, I guess its when its someone whom we respect.

I agree with this. My t challenges me during each and every session. Sometimes I tell him to bugger off, but generally I trust that he is being blatantly honest with me and has my needs in mind.

[ladyjrnlist]

Being challenged is hard, but it gets me thinking. If I feel pushed, I say so.

[missbelle]

confronted or challenged.......? Its hard to be confronted anywhere especially in therapy even for the good of the patient. It requires honesty as well as the ability to really look at yourself. Challenge to me is different. I enjoy challenge. It keeps me on my toes and I feel good when I can succeed!

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by missbelle

confronted or challenged.......? Its hard to be confronted anywhere especially in therapy even for the good of the patient. It requires honesty as well as the ability to really look at yourself. Challenge to me is different. I enjoy challenge. It keeps me on my toes and I feel good when I can succeed!

No not confronted, just challenged, confronted can be a false accusation about something, but challenged is asking the other person to reach that bit higher, theres a difference.

[Melbadaze]

I think its certainly made me think, as much as I felt I couldnt, no more, dont push, its created this push and pull feeling inside and kept me from sinking back into something, even though part of me still feels like stamping her feet and pouting lol! I think one has to be sure at the same time that the person does have ones wellbeing foremost or else it could cause a collapse, but I think by now T has my wellbeing at heart, unfortunately the timing was a bit out as I am on vacation of my own next week and T said perhaps it wasnt' such a good idea with the break coming up or else we could have done so much more work around it, but I'll survive ...cant' believe I'm actually the one taking a vacation break and not T, theres progress lol

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Yes I think this is part of my problem too working out whats being done to help me versus whats being done to hurt me.

Versus what is being done that just shows the ineptitude of the doer...