[~firefly~]

Im not going to keep this post up for very long, because Im paranoid. But I thought I would see if I could get more feedback this way.

Sorry i had to go ahead and delete it, I appreciate the feedback i got. I just feel weird having that personal of a letter on here.

[Perna]

I don't know; focusing on them, especially without getting any feedback from them (to know that they "heard" you) might not do much good? One can't get closure usually, alone, without the other person/situation providing it (when someone dies, knowing why/how they died, having a funeral, etc., for example). If writing like this works for you, then it probably will work whether you send the letter or not, since you are not expecting any reply? I wouldn't send it (though it is a great letter!) would not give this person any more of "myself", my thoughts, emotions, etc.

[Oceanwave]

Do you expect some kind of response from your therapist? How will you feel if you send it and he or she doesn't respond? If you think that it will make you feel better even if s(he) doesn't respond then yes, send it by all means.

[Sannah]

This is how you feel and this is important. I didn't sense any anger in it at all.

[~firefly~]

Im actually afraid of the feedback I would get from him. Because I have built him up to me more of a monster than he probably is, because its been so long. I would be afraid he would reply with something just to hurt me more if that even possible. Its just really frustrating because Im not normally hurt by people. I usually lack much empathy at all, but he was able to break down walls and hurt me more than i thought possible.

[Sannah]

Too bad that you couldn't have worked with her on this when you were still with her because yes, this is how you feel, but feelings come from our perspective and it isn't the whole truth, just our truth. Getting better requires fitting ourselves in with the rest of the world so we need to interact on these things to come to the real truth.

[~firefly~]

I pretty much dont expect a response because its been this long without even an apology. The man let me almost die so him responding to me being hurt is probably pretty slim. So its more of a way for me to know that he knows he hurt me

[Sannah]

This sounds like a good therapist if he was able to get through. Why did you leave? Sometimes getting better is painful.

[Sannah]

How did he almost let you die?

[~firefly~]

You are right, because if I had been able to discuss this with him than its possible he didnt mean to hurt me at all, but since he basically shunned me and left me without closure I have built him up to be overly cruel, because thats my last memory of him.

[Sannah]

How did he shun you?

[Sweetlove]

If sending this will give you closure and you honestly don't want to hear from him again then I think you should send it. If you really don't want to hear back from him then put "Do not reply" and then you won't have to worry about getting a response. But go through the possibilities of what might happen...getting a reply, not getting a reply, getting a hurtful reply. If any of these might cause you more pain then you seriously need to decide if it is a good idea. Good luck

[~firefly~]

........

[Sannah]

Ouch........... how long had you been going to this therapist?

[~firefly~]

When I called to get my medical records he had his secretary tell me that he wouldnt take any messages from me. I sent a letter asking for my records and he still did not send them. When he finally sent them, I called to get some information he wrote clarified he hung up on me. He wouldnt explain what I did to him to cause this kind of reaction.

[~firefly~]

I went to him for almost 4 years

[Sannah]

Are you with a new therapist? If so did you 2 talk about this? How long ago did this happen?

[~firefly~]

I didnt leave, he left me.

[~firefly~]

This happened 2 years ago, Ive been to afraid to find another therapist. Because I dont know what I did wrong with the last one.

[Sannah]

This doesn't sound good. I would suggest getting a new therapist so that you can continue your work.

[~firefly~]

I have trust issues and I dont have close ties with anyone, so creating a dependancy with me isnt too difficult unfortunatly

[~firefly~]

Yeah I read it. I thought I answered it. Ill go back and check

[~firefly~]

I want to find a new one. I think Im ready to now, im just a little timid about it

[Sannah]

You answered it, no problem. We can support you while you do your search and make your first visits. A lot of people do this here and it seems helpful to them because they can bounce their feelings off of us and it helps.

[~firefly~]

Thank you, just asking me questions made me feel a little better. I got some more clarity. I have issues with paranoia, so I do edit posts down if I feel like they have too much of me in them. I know thats not rational, but im like that with everything. Ill keep posting though, maybe I can feel better without sending the letter.