Parental responsibility.....

My turn.......... I have huge standards for parents and I hold myself to these same high standards.

(This is in response to another thread where we have been talking about parental responsibility).

You come to this world knowing nothing. You come with your basic personality and some reflexes. It IS a parent's responsibility to raise that child and assist with their development.

I take my job as a parent extremely seriously. It IS my job to monitor my children and see what they need. It IS my job to provide my children with what they need. Raising my children IS the most important job that I will ever have. If my children have deficits it IS my fault. They are children, they are not responsible for raising themselves.

I feel SO strongly about this and I think because I had a huge deficit to overcome because my parents were unable to do this for me.

Were my parents all bad. Of course not. I benefitted from their very stable lives, their hard work ethic, their values of honesty and compassion. Yes, they were compassionate people. My mom would cry if she hurt anything. BUT her mental illness prohibited her from seeing me or my sisters. She could not see us so she was unable to see that she hurt us. Me and my sisters suffered greatly from this.

I can see that she had good and bad in her. I see how she did good for me and bad for me. The final facts are, however, that she was unable to do her parenting job to my high standards. I deserved to get my needs met when I was a child and I did not. Because I did not, I have had to do extra work for the last 20 years to catch up.

While other people were enjoying their college experience I was trying to catch up. While others now enjoy their siblings and families I don't get to do this because I have 2 sisters who are still majorly messed up.

Yeah, I'm not mad at my mother. She did her best. I'm just mad at the situation that I had to deal with.

When I see a young person do some bad stuff and then I hear the parents and their friends say "You did your best, it was up to them, they made these choices", I want to scream. Yes, there is a time when you are an adult and you need to start taking responsibility, but these parents who take no responsibility for how their raised their children just really get to me.

So yeah, I feel very passionate about this and my passion is fueled by anger.........

I don't completely agree with you that any deficit a child has is the fault of the parent. Unfortunately, deficits happen that are no one's fault at all. A parent can do everything correctly and their child still end up doing drugs, in trouble with the law, etc. I know of several parents in this predicament over the years. Wonderful parents. Concerned, involved, loving, compassionate, consistent -- you name it. Their sons, in high school, ended up in trouble despite all the help their parents tried to give them. These parents blamed themselves, even thought there was nothing to blame themselves for. Sometimes pathology exists despite a person's best effort. It is terrifying to be the parent in this situation.

Looking from the outside never gives you the whole picture. How many times have I heard people say "My parents were saints to the outside world. If they had only known what was going on behind closed doors".

You simply haven't studied this family so you don't have the whole story.

Children who do drugs and get in trouble with the law have problems. Children can have problems simply from getting too much from their parents too.

Sometimes parent's personalities conflict with their children's also and they need outside help. It is a parent's job to get outside help.

This is kind of hard to do. I have even made mistakes and take full responsibility for them.

No blame at all?

Maybe their distress is coming from running from their share of responsibility? This does cause more distress then just accepting your responsibility.

Everything that I have read talks about the contribution of both genetics and environment. If you have the genes for something you also need the environment for the genetic probablity to develop so they still have responsibility for the environment.

I hope this thread stays here since many people struggle with this issue while going through therapy.

This is why I question (and I'm speaking for myself) if some people who have severe mental health issues should even have children. Or if you've been parented badly, then how can you learn to be a parent? Sigh.

And sometimes the genetics will overpower any efforts parents make to provide the ideal environment for their children. Do you deny that many mental illness/addictions have a genetic factor? I know you don't. Isn't it possible that the genetics sometimes take over despite efforts to fight against it? Why must guilt be placed on anyone? Sometimes ***** happens to people regardless of how much responsibility they take on.

I find this an interesting question/topic and don't feel like I have the time to think it through as much as I'd like before posting.....
Anyway, I certainly do agree that parenting is a huge responsibility and yes, I do feel the weight of that. And yes, I do have high standards for myself.....and yes, I feel like I have already failed in ways, done things wrong (which I even knew better) and have hurt my children. I'm sad about that....and I want so much to learn to do better. And yet, as my T says, have some compassion on yourself; why not accept that you have been doing the best you can, all things considered? And that she respects greatly the efforts I've made with my kids and the efforts I've made to change so that I can be a better parent....
But will I avoid mistakes, always do the right thing, never hurt my kids in some way? Probably not. But I want to learn how to make fewer mistakes, not make the sort of grave ones my parents did.....and how to recognize and repair ones I do make.
Yes, my parents failed.....but yet I feel compassion for their failures. I wish they had done better, I wish they had had more help and support than they did, I wish they hadn't hurt us....I wish, I wish. But I know they do feel sorry for the mistakes they made......and I feel the best thing for me and for them at this point is compassion. But I must learn to also have a right degree of compassion for myself, along with the weight of responsibility I feel...
But I also feel the parents should not always be blamed for what mistakes their child makes, for the child's bad behavior. Really, I think sometimes parents really did do the best they could.....and the child still went out and went down a wrong path, or however to put it. Of course, maybe there were things they could have done or done better.......but I don't think that parents should always shoulder such a huge blame for actions/emotions/behavior of their child (esp. after the child is grown....) or feel like the whole responsibility for the child's actions/reactions falls on them.
I don't know, don't feel like I've said this very well.....and now I've got to get up and get moving (have an app't to go to!)
But thanks for starting this thread, Sannah.....I think it will be helpful....

Yes, they have a genetic factor but again from everything that I have learned you need the environment to develop the genetics. Addictions are from a person not being able to deal with their emotions. This is something that is taught.

Children aren't getting their needs met because people aren't listening. I have seen it over and over and over again. I used to have a job dealing with juvenile status offenders ("crimes" that are only crimes because of their status as being a minor - runaway, not going to school, being out of control of the parents). I saw the dysfunction in these families. Now I volunteer as a school social worker and no one has sat down with these kids to listen to them.

THe guilt I think is from people wanting to run from taking their responsibility. "I did my best but it still wasn't enough and now look what happened" is a great way to live.

When I first had children I knew something wasn't right with what I was doing. I thought on it for 2 years and finally it occurred to me. I wasn't treating my children with the respect that I would have given to anyone else. They were work and I needed to get things done because I was overwhelmed. I really affected my children because of this and I had to play catch up. In addition, I still had my anxiety and when I saw my daughter becoming anxious I acted and I acted immediately. I made all sorts of mistakes. Guilt? Who needs guilt? I made mistakes, I recognized them and took responsibility and tried to do something about it.

Addictions are highly genetic.

This is taking responsibility and this is what I am talking about.

I'm not saying all the blame but some. I hear parents not taking any blame. Doing your best sometimes isn't good enough and yes, this does deserve compassion and yes, it also requires taking responsibility.

If this were true then no one could recover from eating disorders, substance abuse, SI, over gambling, over shopping, etc. People recover from these things once they learn how to deal with their feelings.

It's the 50/50 rule again, the environment bringing out genetic predispositions.

I had to learn and work and work and learn........

If I was able to overcome so much dysfunction in myself then it was learned behavior. There is nothing that I haven't come up against that I wasn't able to work with and improve.

But you do admit that addictions are highly genetic, don't you? Or do you just fly in the face of all the research?

Look, I'm not making excuses for bad parenting. I'm just acknowledging that addictions, mental illnesses such bipolar disorder, etc. predispose some people to problems that for some no amount of parenting will prevent. Environmentally those illness and addictions can be dealt with, but it doesn't change the fact that getting the disease or addiction can purely be a result of nature.

From everything that I have read it is half and half so things aren't highly genetic just half genetic. I don't believe that no amount of parenting can prevent mental illness. 50/50 again. You need the environment to develop the genetics. Every single person that I have come across with mental health issues had the environment to go along with it. Some people might deny it but it was there (they discuss what went on and it is an environment that would cause problems).

Sannah surely it can stay here - speaking just for myself, my T actively working on getting me to look at my parents from my today, adult viewpoint, rather than nly remembering them from the long ago, child's viewpoint that was operative when my beliefs about myself, others & life in general were being shaped.

Thanks for starting this thread, it's obvious you are one of those keepers who is determined to make their own kids' development better. No one is perfect, but the trying is worth so much. to you

Thank you SAWE .......

Just thought of something, my children both have the genetics for anxiety I think because I have seen it peek out before but they are not developing anxiety because I am working on it.......... I will not cooperate with those genetics!!

osmetimes in trying to avoid all the awful things that happened to me in my childhood from happening to my children, I suspect I have done stupid things to them also....there will never be a correct parent or a unwounded humanbeing but having awareness and a willingness to at least look and see where we may have gone wrong is important...trying to avoid pitfalls in parenting feels much like putting your foot in front of an ant ...it just changes directions...thats how I feel as a mother at times...like that foot..

Amen.........

Sannah, I think you are among the VERY fortunate to have an early insight on your parental skills or lack there of.
you and your kids are so lucky.

Thank you for this thread. It may trigger some and anger some but I think it's an important subject to bring up. I agree that it's 50/50-- genetics/environment. I don't believe I've EVER talked with a bipolar sufferer that didn't experience some kind of trauma/abuse/neglect... nor a schizophrenic, nor an addict..... seems the disposition is there, but it takes the environment to let the "tiger out"... so to speak. This culture is caring less and less about environment for children-- is it any wonder mental illness is on the rise?

I thought I had insight too as a parent-- but as it turns out-- I'm learning, it was just my inner reaction to the multitude of traumas I survived.
I just knew how DIRE it was to protect my kids..... so.... that's what I did. I was raised in a house where adult "me time" was treasured and so little fin's abuse went unnoticed and uncared about coz adult "me time" always trumped fins safety zone. that is a HUGE trigger for me-- when adults that have dependant children say they need "me time", over and over again..... gulp!....ugh....

there I was raising my kids... the only way I knew how......then my oldest became unable to handle emotions and thus turned to self injury-- which tore my heart in two, how could I protect him- from himself!?!
and then my youngest got into underage drinking and drugs(addiction runs in my family very deeply) and spent time in hospital and psych-ward. I thought I was doing what was best-- I was protecting them from the whole world!!.....*sigh*.....others saw me as the perfect mother!....
what a mess .... I had no idea.

I so wish I could have a "do over"..... but.... I can only go on from here and now- and work hard to let my kids know the world isn't what I saw it was when I was a child.... I take responsiblity for my shortcomings and also know I did what I thought was best at the time.(wasn't mentally well)

I believe you are saying it's NOT about guilt but about responsiblity-- and that's where I'm trying to be at. Admitting that I messed some things up but not on purpose. it was NEVER about me, when raising my kids-- my mind was always on THEIR well being.
I wish I would have gotten help the day I became pregnant.... but.. alas, I hadn't the insight......
I'm getting help now... it's such hard work.....

fins, bless your heart! You know exactly where I am coming from...... That parent who admits their shortcomings to their children is giving them a huge gift. Many people here talk about having their experience validated and this is exactly what that means - taking responsibility. Life isn't perfect, never will be, but when we go through life together instead of apart, this is what life is. Admitting to your children what your responsibility was is pulling you closer to your children so that you can go through life together instead of apart.

Mental health issues are blinding. Heck, anything can be blinding. If you just don't know, it is blinding. But we can work to see.......

My mother apologizes excessively for her parenting at times. This does not help. It feels awkward and makes me feel guilty.

I just thought of a family here in our subdivision. They look like the perfect family. Dad has a good job, mom is a stayhome mom. They do everything for their children. They have game night, they do sports together, go to church together. They would do anything for their children. But I know a "secret". These 2 parents are control freaks and they both have major anxiety problems. I get my info first hand I swear. She has told me all sorts of things. Their 2 children are having problems. Again first hand knowledge. The way they do parents makes me shiver. They are so controlling! (First hand knowledge!). Anyway, just wanted to share an example of how things look and then the rest of the story.......

Hmmmmm, it makes you feel awkward and guilty because you feel it is your fault for her feeling bad about it?