Parental responsibility.....

I agree with the statement and no it was not, its only recently looking back that I can see what was happening.

I just remember a pediatric heart doctor telling me once (I used to work in a hospital) that the kids who were treated like they were normal always did the best. The kids who were treated like they were sick were never as healthy. ("He can't do that because he has a heart condition", etc.)

Your signature absolutely cracks me up every single time I read it!

Anyway, I think you are right that there comes a time in every single person's life when they are answerable to themselves.

In fact, I challenge anyone on this board to point out someone that is utterly happy and "well-adjusted" (and therapists don't count - thank you!). Please, it doesn't exist. It's the human condition to harbor demons.

If it makes you feel better about things, I've got some family members in prison (shock!), and all are in agreement it's the best thing that could have happened to them.

Life has twists and turns in it. You never know how this child may turn out. You never know who he might actually become.

Nothing is ever doomed or blessed from the start, but likely a healthy dose of each is thrown into the mix.

I know happy and well adjusted people.

Me too. Doesn't mean they don't have problems in their lives, but their lives aren't haunted by those problems. They deal with them in a healthy way. My mother and father are two of the most "well adjusted" happy people I know.

Actually that is a good observation. In a way, I guess you could say a lot of us are dealing with the problems in our lives in a healthy way. Or at least we are trying to get to that point.

I am one who was raised a mentally ill parent, and I have learned how to be a healthy, safe mom. I did this by seeking support from other healthy, safe adults. As a kid, I latched onto adults who seemed safe and healthy. As an adult, I found a mentor and a therapist who can coach me in how to be a good mom, since I did not have a role model.

I also believe that despite my mother's instability and abuse, I was born with an inner strength and good instincts that help me be a loving, safe, good enough mom.

Also, I've learned that one of the biggest keys to good parenting is taking good care of yourself. I'm working on that one every day.

I (thankfully) don't believe I inherited my mother's mental illness. My Ts agree that I am wired differently than she is.

So, it's possible, I believe to be healthy despite our upbringing...That doesn't mean there's not pain and a LOT of work to be done to grieve and overcome what happened in childhood.

Yes, so true!

And also......I think it is possible to give our children a healthy, happy upbringing even if there is a struggle to be mentally/emotionally healthy (like, really having a mental illness, as opposed to not having a mental illness, but a lot of wounds from trauma, from childhood which have left deep emotional imprints to work through....if I worded that poorly, forgive me!). I don't quite understand what it is for me, if it is only that I have a lot of childhood wounds and emotional fallout from that or that I really do have a depressive mental disorder.......but my hope, whatever the truth is inside my mind, to do my best to be stable and strong enough to give my kids a stable, secure, healthy, loved childhood.

Ugh. This whole thread makes me feel like giving up and like it's all hopeless.

I'm sorry it's had that effect on you, roseleigh. Please don't give up....it really isn't hopeless! There really is help and hope and healing, for everyone, for you too.
It may be a struggle, yes, and pain in the struggle......but it really is worth it to keep trying and keep living, one day, one moment, at a time.

I just found this thread and I identified and agreed with Sannah's posts. My parents were probably a little too hands off for me. The reasons Sannah talks about are the reasons I've decided, so far, now in my late thirties, not to have or adopt children. I wanted to make as sure as I can that I wouldn't have kids without being capable of taking the responsibility Sannah writes about, and to make sure I didn't pick a partner who wouldn't take that responsibility too. I'd rather not have kids than have them and not be able to do that.

I think society should take more responsibility for giving parents support to raise children well. It's disgusting that a country as rich as the United States has hardly any public funding for decent therapy and mental health care for parents who want it, or child care or other kinds of assistance for parents. I guess some countries are better with this. If enough support like that was in place, maybe it would be possible for a lot more parents to raise kids in a healthy way.

I'm not sure I agree with that. Anyway, I think being mentally ill can be a natural human difference, whatever combination of genetics or the environment it's attributed to. I think there's a lot parents and the rest of the society can do to give children with mental illness an equal chance at a fulfilling life. I think most cultures currently exclude people with mental illness in many ways, so it's very difficult for parents to do enough to give mentally ill children an equal chance at a fulfilling life. I think the ethical thing for a parent to do is probably to devote their life to trying to do this, as some parents do. But I understand that there are many reasons most parents are intellectually, emotionally, or otherwise incapable of making such herculean efforts in cultures that make it so difficult for the parents. I don't think it's fair for me to judge parents who aren't that super-humanly successful at bringing up difficult kids when I could be spending my time advocating for better public funding for child care and mental health care, or some public policies like that. I think the parents who keep trying are probably more self fulfilled than the parents who give up and try to avoid the issue. I admire Sannah and poetgirl and fins and probably other people who posted (sorry I lost track) for trying so hard to take responsibility.

That happened to me too a little with my father. For me, it wasn't repeated too much though. But I think I understand where you're coming from. It felt awkward and it didn't help. If parents apologize to relieve their own guilt without managing to understand how to help their kid actually recover from whatever problems the parenting problems caused, the parent hasn't taken enough responsibility, I think. For me at this point, I guess it helps some that he tried to apologize even though he didn't figure out how to do it in a terribly helpful way. I can imagine that if it's just repeated awkward apologizing it would make things worse, not better.