[Can't Stop Crying]

What do you do about the things that you can't say out loud? The secrets that fill you with such shame and disgust that your mouth won't form the words. I trust my T, it doesn't have anything to do with that. I hate myself and I hate the words that sit unspoken because I'm afraid that saying them out loud will make them too real.

[sailboat]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

I'm afraid that saying them out loud will make them too real.

I think that is the issue, isn't it?
I know it is for me. I often think the shame is something I can handle. I want to run but T will react well so that is okay. However, having it out in the open is scary because it does make it more real. And not just your secret that you carry around and that makes you go "oh it's nothing, I'm sure it's not even important."

I can't really tell you what I do because my strategy is bad. I often wait for a looooooooooooong time before telling and then I'm so nervous saying it that I usually don't even make sense to anyone.

(((CSC)))
maybe writing it down and giving it to the person to read? you can do this when you leave so she/he reads it when you're already gone or you give it beforehand.

[granite1]

i feel this so deeply it is hitting directally to my heart and i so wish i had the answer.for me they just stay inside and eat me away

[Perna]

Write them. When they're written, read them. When they're written and you can read them to yourself, read them out loud. When they're written and you can read them to yourself and out loud, read them out loud to someone else.

[mark366160]

CSC... what sailboat said... if you can't make the words, write them down... It'll be ok...

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Perna

Write them. When they're written, read them. When they're written and you can read them to yourself, read them out loud. When they're written and you can read them to yourself and out loud, read them out loud to someone else.

wow what a good idea i have never thought about reading things outloud bye myself over and over again .maybe this would make it easier to read to T

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

What do you do about the things that you can't say out loud? The secrets that fill you with such shame and disgust that your mouth won't form the words. I trust my T, it doesn't have anything to do with that. I hate myself and I hate the words that sit unspoken because I'm afraid that saying them out loud will make them too real.

In reality, you've lived through the hardest part and come out alive. That, alone is a testament to your courage, will and strength. Period.

The reason, I think, these words have such power is because you don't say them. It's the secret that holds the power.

Letting it out disperses that energy.

I like Perna's suggestion of writing them down, or drawing the emotion with color.

[TayQuincy]

Not easy at all, but it takes time. I have told all of my secrets over time and it gets easier the more i see that she doesn't think I'm disgusting at all. I can say anything now when it used to be so locked up inside me. she doesn't judge me. mostly, I have just dived in and said it. Nothing bad happened and it was a relief!

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

I hate myself and I hate the words that sit unspoken because I'm afraid that saying them out loud will make them too real.

One thing my T used to say to me was "those things are real whether you speak them out loud or not. The difference is if you stay silent you have to deal with the reality and pain of it all on your own."

[SpiritRunner]

the things that I cannot say, and they are many really, I write and my T reads them....sometimes she will read a certain thing out loud. but once she has read it, somehow it is much easier for me to talk about, because the more intense emotion of it I put on the paper. and it is a relief to not have it locked away anymore.
and as she has said to me, and others said here, 'you have already lived through it; that was the hardest part and you made it, you were strong enough to make it through and endure, and you are here. it won't actually be worse talking about it.' easy words to say, hard to do/believe, but true, yes.
and if I give voice to those things, then they have less power within me; I have the power over them. I made them come out into the light and be seen....I own the emotions, they do not own me!

[WePow]

For us, the words we couldn't say had to first be drawn out. Colors and lines showed the emotions. After that, the story could unfold. That is when the words were finally able to emerge.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by elliemay

In reality, you've lived through the hardest part and come out alive. That, alone is a testament to your courage, will and strength. Period.

The reason, I think, these words have such power is because you don't say them. It's the secret that holds the power.

Letting it out disperses that energy.

I like Perna's suggestion of writing them down, or drawing the emotion with color.

Another thing that just came to my mind about this - and it's something I'm still (good lord!) struggling with myself. It's the sometimes inundation, or the fear of inundation, of emotion that accompanies telling.

It's almost like re-experiencing the whole thing over again. It's so hard not to be afraid that you will be sucked under by that wave of emotion.

Will I be able to handle it? Remember, it's not the words, but the feelings that have been supressed all these years.

perhaps it's the words that make the feeling real.

One thing my therapist has done for me is to help me learn to contain those feelings. It helps to know that he is open to them, and most importantly not afraid of them. He's told me so on several occasions.

I remember one time I was blabbing on about something, and he was standing (for some reason) in his office. He just outright said, I'm not afraid of anything you say or feel. He seemed so tall and powerful at that moment leading me to believe that he must be superman.

So, if our therapists aren't afraid of them, perhaps it's okay for us to not be as well.

Don't know.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you have such memories that they hold so much negative power over you.

One therapeutic tool that you can use in this case is the making of collages. No words necessary, but you will find that you will cut and paste some onto the pictures and colors and designs. Get some construction weight paper, glue or paste or tape and lots of magazines, newsletters, and scissors.

Find a place to spread it all out and when you will have a few hours, perhaps?

And then, don't think...just begin tearing pictures (or removing them nicely if you choose) out of the magazines ...and once you sense it's "right", paste them onto pages together as they 'belong.'

Plan a snack or reward for yourself, and your inner self, to enjoy after such great therapy! Be well.

You can choose to share with your T, or not.

[with or without you]

I still have 2 more secrets left I need to share with my T. They sound trivial compared to what's happened to many of you, but they're a big part of why I am the way I am. Humiliating stuff that happened to me in the 4th and 5th grade. I feel bad it's taken me 10 years to tell her. I've never told a soul how much the two events bothered me. I've totally repressed it for 20 years.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( with or without ))))))))))))))))

when the day comes to tell you will know. and it will be very freeing .. hang in there

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

(((((((((((((((((( with or without ))))))))))))))))

when the day comes to tell you will know. and it will be very freeing .. hang in there

thank you. I think that day is almost here, can't hold it in for much longer.

[Storybell]

You don't have to say these things to someone else. However, I have learned that I need to say these unbearable things out loud in order to take command of them, then I can process them on my own terms instead of in silence. If I have to process them in silence, I may just push them away and not address them.

When I can't say the words, sometimes T will ask me if I can tell him the easiest part of the hard thing. It might be something like "I was in my room". Or "I could hear the talking downstairs" or whatever. Sometimes that will lead to a little more the next session and a little more, until i am ready to tell the story.

If I can't say ANYTHING (which used to happen a lot), I write to T, either on a pad of paper or on a white board. Sometimes he sits in his chair and I write and hand it to him. Sometimes he sits next to me and watches as I write.

To me, it's like being afraid of the dark. When we are afraid of the dark, we lay there in bed, imagining all of the scary things that could be in the closet, under the bed, outside the door, right next to us. It's paralyzing. And then we reach over and turn on the light and it's just our room. And there we are, and we're okay, and we're going to BE okay. T calls the telling "bringing things into the light" and it always makes me think of that. Things are much much much bigger and scarier in the darkness in my head.

If I can speak it, or write it, there is a beginning and an end. The story starts, the story ends. In my head it swirls around and around and around and around and is just this never ending pile of terror and shame and memories, over and over and over.

I've learned over time that it's ALWAYS better, in the end, to get it out in the open, where T and I can look at it together. Sometimes I ask him to just "take" it for me, and he does. I don't want to hold it anymore - ANYMORE - and he holds it for me. Sometimes I write it and leave it in a box in his office. We've even written the worst words on scraps of paper and hidden them under his carpet. OUT. Out. Out is better than in.

I started with littler things, and when I found I could survive those, we moved to bigger things. I'm still telling, 3 1/2 years into therapy, and the feelings are still overwhelming and I still hate it...but I know from experience that all of the memories start to lose their power as we expose them to the light. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

[rainbow8]

wowy: I don't mean to make light of the awful memories that others have posted about and refer to, but I'm like you. I've had humiliating experiences that have been almost impossible to talk about in therapy. I think the same suggestions apply. Write it, read it, jump in, go slow, whatever works for you. A lot of what I can't say out loud is just "words", not experiences. Or shameful (to me) feelings about my T. Whatever it is, it's better to be out in the open than stuck inside.

[WePow]

((((WOWY)))) There is no way to compare experiences. They are what they are and they each impact a person in a unique way. If it hurt you, it hurt you.

There is something that happens when we are able to confide those hidden secrets to someone who actually cares about us. Like my T says, a burden shared is a burden halved.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

wowy: I don't mean to make light of the awful memories that others have posted about and refer to, but I'm like you. I've had humiliating experiences that have been almost impossible to talk about in therapy. I think the same suggestions apply. Write it, read it, jump in, go slow, whatever works for you. A lot of what I can't say out loud is just "words", not experiences. Or shameful (to me) feelings about my T. Whatever it is, it's better to be out in the open than stuck inside.

Oh, I already know I'm going the written route with this stuff. I already revealed all the creepy attachment stuff to T about 6 weeks ago...pretty embarrassing! (embarrassing for me to bring it up, she didn't make me feel uncomfortable in any way) In any event, once I talk about these two events, I think there really will be no secrets left. I will have shared with her pretty much everything about myself. Thanks rainbow

What I meant when I said that my experiences sound trivial compared to a lot of other people in this forum is this: I can't ever imagine being abused or mistreated by anyone, it's just inexcusable and it makes me angry when I read some of what you all have been brave enough to share here. (you all don't make me angry, it's the stories...you know what I mean)

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Storybell

You don't have to say these things to someone else. However, I have learned that I need to say these unbearable things out loud in order to take command of them, then I can process them on my own terms instead of in silence. If I have to process them in silence, I may just push them away and not address them.

I have found that I can "say them out loud" entirely within my own mind. I don't actually have to say it. That is where the healing needs to take place -- inside. Though it would be nice to be able to say it to someone else, the really necessary thing is to be able to think it.

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

What do you do about the things that you can't say out loud? The secrets that fill you with such shame and disgust that your mouth won't form the words. I trust my T, it doesn't have anything to do with that. I hate myself and I hate the words that sit unspoken because I'm afraid that saying them out loud will make them too real.

((((Cant Stop Crying)))) (((everyone here)))
...it hurts how much i can relate to this too. I am sorry you are struggling with so much

[Storybell]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I have found that I can "say them out loud" entirely within my own mind. I don't actually have to say it. That is where the healing needs to take place -- inside. Though it would be nice to be able to say it to someone else, the really necessary thing is to be able to think it.

I'm glad that works well for you. Thank you for sharing.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by (JD)

I'm sorry you have such memories that they hold so much negative power over you.

One therapeutic tool that you can use in this case is the making of collages. No words necessary, but you will find that you will cut and paste some onto the pictures and colors and designs. Get some construction weight paper, glue or paste or tape and lots of magazines, newsletters, and scissors.

Find a place to spread it all out and when you will have a few hours, perhaps?

And then, don't think...just begin tearing pictures (or removing them nicely if you choose) out of the magazines ...and once you sense it's "right", paste them onto pages together as they 'belong.'

Plan a snack or reward for yourself, and your inner self, to enjoy after such great therapy! Be well.

You can choose to share with your T, or not.

This is a very very powerful technique. I made a collage yesterday of images revolving around things that have given me so much anxiety that I simply can't speak about them in therapy. I simply did a google image search on those words and printed out the images that "struck".

It wasn't so much the images, but with the assembly of the images that I learned so much. Yes, I panicked but was amazed at what was lurking in there when it all came together. I didn't think. I just placed.

Very striking, very self-informing. I am looking forward (I think maybe????) to talking to my therapist about it.