The things that can't be said out loud

I don't know if I'll ever be able to share my secret with my T. Unlike many of you who have had bad experiences, my story is my own actions, my own guilt and my own shame. Do I really want anyone to know that, even the T? I do suspect though that someday it will come out. She knows there's something big there and we discussed if it is really necessary to talk about. She assured me that I never have to talk about anything that I don't want to. But, when I questioned her if it would help me to move past the events, would I need to talk about them and she confirmed that that probably would be necessary. Then I thought I'd be brave and set a date with her in about a month to talk about it. Maybe 2 days of sessions in a row so that I wouldn't feel stranded for a whole week. Then I changed my mind and thought maybe in 6 months. And then I changed my mind again and decided that maybe I never have to talk about it. I suspect it may come up naturally when least expected. Probably the best way instead of making plans

((((((((((suratji))))))))))))

I've had things like that to tell T. Things I've done that I'm ashamed of that I've carried around for YEARS. It was hard, and scary, and I was terrified of being judged...but finally telling, and still being accepted and cared for, was a hugely healing experience. Huge.

I hope that you are able to take the risk. There is so much freedom in getting that stuff OUT and learning to forgive ourselves.

Treehouse, I've thought about the concept of self-forgiveness. I have no idea how that is possible and I even think I don't want it. It seems a little presumptuous to forgive oneself. But thanks for your encouragement.

((((((((Suratji)))))))) I SO get that.

I think for me, it started with T accepting me and my mistakes. Just that...the evidence that I could still be accepted...was huge.

For me, forgiving myself doesn't mean telling myself "that was okay". It means telling myself "that is over. I'm different now, and I'm doing things differently. It's okay to let that go". Beating myself up over and over again for the same thing wasn't getting me anywhere. Accepting it and putting it behind me was a big step in being able to move forward, and to be the person I want to be NOW. It was almost like I couldn't start becoming who I want to be, because part of me was stuck back there with my mistakes.

I guess that's what I mean by self-forgiveness. Not "that's okay" but "that's over. and NOW is okay, and I can try to make the future even more okay"

Treehouse - the way you put that makes it sound better. I just started seeing a T in mid-December. I really really trust her and I think I may be able to eventually share this stuff with her. Many times I had thought I had forgotten the past and had moved on but it's clear to me now that I must face it bravely and unload it with someone. I started seeing the T because I woke up one night and had an urgent need to tell someone my story. So far, I've left out the worst part thinking I could get by without being completely honest. It's weird because in day to day life, what I did most people would not even pause about but for me it's HUGE. I want to be free of the past and had hoped by burying it, it would be over but it keeps showing up. I'm scared how the T will see me once I expose myself. Wanting to maintain an image that is positive to others seems to drive my behavior in this matter. I will never ever share this secret with anyone else but I think I must be brave someday and talk about it with the T. Again, thanks so much for your words, Treehouse. It means a lot to me

Have been keeping an extremely low profile on this thread, it hits so very close to home.

Thank you Tree. Maybe i can work with this.

OK, maybe I will share, though it is not easy (or not welcome?). I found out once that I was capable of wanting to, and being prepared to, sacrifice anyone else in order that I would survive, myself. A number of times a psychiatrist would ask if I had actually sacrificed someone, and I could not tell that I had. But the realization that I was prepared to do it, and in fact had really done it inside my mind, was overpowering. I felt I should do away with myself as a consequence. By chance I did not do that. Somehow over the years, when other some other people did not react to me the way I did to myself, and I learned that others had done bad things, my sense that I had to condemn myself lessened. It is not a nice thing to learn that you are capable of sacrificing others in order to save yourself, but I guess the wish, under extreme pressure, is human.

YES, this. Thanks, Pachy. You're right. I think sometimes we get caught up in our own "badness" and forget that we are human just like everyone else and that EVERYONE has done their share of bad things.

I'm glad you shared what you did