[WePow]

Well, I see T again in 3 hours. I had a hard time sleeping last night and thought about the session yesterday. T made a comment about the boundary thing - he asked me what a T would look like who had no boundaries. It wasn't fun to think about as it reminded me of the abusers. I understand his putting up boundaries and such, but the silence really does impact me. I sent him the poem about "Silence Kills" and he thought it was very good. Of course that made me feel like a kid wanting a parent to approve I don't like feeling that way.

But last night I kept thinking about the whole door issue. How I felt like the door being closed when I leave session and then T doesn't respond in emails to my whimpers makes me feel little again. So I wrote a poem about doors and posted it here on PC in the creative forum.

I asked him to have me talk about it in session today because I will run from it - I already am. He is going to give me both hours - 90 min double session. He said he has no one after me so I can have him for as long as I need him I thought "So forever and ever!"

But last night while feeling that pain and processing through things, I found myself seeing T like a spy machine inside my secret heart - someone the children inside me wanted to touch and see, but when they did touch it, it wasn't real. It was not there and it made a shock in their tender hearts. So we made us another safe place inside that area where T has been the only one to get access and we hid away that most tender bits of us. My little one alter wants to tell T what we did because she thinks it is fun. But I don't want T to ever know about this. I feel like I have a need to continue to find a way to keep my softest bits protected. To not allow even a slight breath of wind to harm it since it is so fragile.

I want to focus on how to stay on track and not go over the edge with work. I need to have the safety plan in place. Uggg. So much I need to do today in session, but all I WANT to do is go see him and curl up in his lap like a puppy if he would let me

[seventyeight]

hi wepow,

i just read your poem, but i thought i'd comment about this part of things over here. it seems (based on what you wrote) that you've definitely come to associate "doors" with other really bad things.. like being closed in to bad situations. it's not surprising that it's been difficult to feel like the door has been closed between you and your therapist.. like you're on the "scary" side of the door, and there's the whole big barrier (the door itself) between you and someone that can help you (your therapist) navigate through the scary times.

maybe you can work on finding postive associations with doors (and other boundaries in general) when you go to therapy today. it might be cool to even do some physical work with the door itself, like standing on either side of the office door while it's closed and talking to each other - just so you can begin to understand that your therapist is still there when you can't see him, or when there's a closed door between you two.

seventyeight

[WePow]

WOW - Seventyeight :-) Thank you! I may just do that today!!! Thank you tons!!

[Perna]

I bought an antique, brass, house key at an antique stall and I keep it on my keyring. It is the key to my own secret place/room. Maybe you can see if T has any odd/leftover keys that don't go to anything anymore (I have tons, long forgotten what they open) and he could give you one and it could symbolize his door? Then you would know you have access when you need it but are also a co-keeper of the door so it's not used inappropriately.

[WePow]

(((((Perna))))) I am getting ready to go to session. Reading what you wrote made me cry for some reason. Thanks for the idea. There is something to it.

[Sweetlove]

Wepow...I think it's really brave to have your T ask you about something you know you're not going to want to talk about. I've thought about doing that...knowing I need to talk about something but won't bring it up on my own. Glad your getting your double session...Let us know how it goes

Perna..that's a really awesome idea! So symbolic too

[rainbow8]

(((((WePow))))) I read your poems. I'm sorry that bad things happened to you because of closed doors. It was sad to read, so I can't even imagine how sad to experience when you were a child.

I like 78's suggestion about doors. I hope you and T found a way to work through your feelings today.

[WePow]

I am home :-) Session was very wonderful. We did 120 min. It was the strangest thing because I had some big things I worked on in my journal last night for several hours - things I needed to go through with my T before going back to work Wed. But I needed to talk about the door thing. It was amazing because we worked on the whole door issue for the first hour. We got into some very deep and personal things on that level and I even had another sub-alter come forward - the part of me who gets "stuck" standing infront of a door.

Bottom line, T was wonderful about helping me out on this. We didn't get to the actions suggested, but I want to use those next week as we work further. We came to the end of the first hour and T knew I had the other stuff I wanted to do, so we were at a safe place and he stopped. He wants to do more research on some of the stuff behind the door stuff (very personal I can't elaborate here), but that was so perfect.

Then we picked up and it was like having a great session that follows a hard session. We worked on my work stuff and the ability to keep my emotional balance. We ended up talking about VERY personal stuff too. It was so awesome to be so open and honest - stuff I never told ANYONE that was very good and dear to my soul. It was great to be that open and free after spending an hour talking about doors!!!!

I actually feel very free right now and I WANT to keep that feeling of mental health.

[granite1]

wepow i sent you a pm

[ECHOES]

Happy Hugs for you!

Doors and doorways have long been part of my dreams.
I love that you and T found much to talk about and that it feels sooo good to you!

[Sweetlove]

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you!! Your session sounded wonderful and so does your T. Glad you got 2 hours too...that's amazing...he's very generous.

Hope your good feelings last a loooooong time

[mixedup_emotions]

SO glad you had a great session. 120 minutes - WOW!!! I'm glad that T had that kind of time for you, so that you could attend to so much that you needed. Awesome.

[WePow]

Thank you for the replies. Yes, my T is VERY generous with his time. He is a client with his own T, and I think that makes him want to give more to his clients. He knows how precious the time is for a client with their T. It was so wonderful and healing :-) I am so happy that he is my T.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm so happy for you! and so impressed that your T gave you so much time.....wow!