wanting to pull away from T

OH, wheeeeee, the cycle of therapy. Ack.

I e-mailed T on Saturday. He never replied, although I asked him to. The logical part of me knows, I mean really KNOWS, that T is busy, that he didn't check his e-mail, that it just is what it is, and it's okay.

The vulnerable part of me feels like "AAAA! I exposed myself to T, asked to have a need met, and am all exposed and vulnerable and it feels gross"

We've been doing hard work,and I've been fighting the urge to build a wall between us. I mean, REALLY working against it, actively.

Today, I don't feel like fighting it. I just want to go and shut down. But I KNOW how awful I will feel when I leave if I do that. Ack. THERAPY.

90 minutes. Ugh.

Good luck to you Treehouse.......

((((((( tree ))))))) fighting so hard must get tiring, I know. Wow.

when do you see T again? Can you allow yourself a sort of lightweight wall in the meantime (opaque to safely shut out the view, but thin enough to hear him when his reply comes... and on casters, so you can fold up & roll it out of the way when yr appointment comes)?

wow i know that wall so well.maybe when you get to see T you can talk to him about it .maybe he can help you not put up that wall.be patient with you especially if you are doing such hard work.it isnt easy.maybe you need a small break to just relax some and talk about the weather or something

i know how this feels. feel better soon treehouse!

I know this feeling so well. I hate it because I can feel it happening but can't do anything to stop it. Then I feel totally disconnected from T, feel angry with myself, feel abandoned by T, etc etc. And so the cycle goes on. I promised myself that next time I can feel myself shutting down in session, I will tell T exactly what is happening. I am beginning to learn that if I TELL T what is happening somehow he can make is easier for me (sometimes). If I keep it to myself I make myself feel worse.

Oh, sorry you feel so rotten and exposed. I sometimes remind myself about all the angst I go through not making my bed or doing the dishes or other chores and how, you eventually do them after days, weeks, months and feel good and wonder why you felt so bad in the first place since they did eventually get done and will have to be done again (in days, weeks, months :-)

Eventually T will contact you (or a session will show up) and it will be discussed and in the past. When you get upset, look beyond the upset a few days/week and imagine what you will be doing then?

I understand the feeling tree! but if you just let him know about the wall wanting to go up, that will help it not go up and help you not shut down, I think. hope it goes well!

Hope it went well Tree....let us know

Did you have a session with T?

I know the 'wall' all too well. I am doing it more and more. It's my way of not letting myself get too close to T, else I'll miss her too much and rely on her too much. But then again, I think it will interfere in the essence of what therapy is. it will get in the way of transference, and it won't allow me to build up trust to open up.
It becomes a real catch-22

hi there, thinking about you a lot. I hope you are in a brighter place today.

((Tree))

I'm right there with you. I mean RIGHT THERE!