You did die without a mother.

Was talking to T on monday about how the fear that has plagued me all of my life gripped hold of me on the boat home from Ireland. I could see my mind searching for something to grab hold of for the fear to happen, and my stupid mind begun thinking about the Zeebruger disarster that happened in the 80's and I was convinced I was never going to get home to see my children nor my home, my body shakes with fear inside and I go into primative survival mode, I can't tell anyone about the fear not even husband because if someone says "oh dont be silly" that is of no use to me whatsoever, and I sit there looking, searching for something to help me to safety and I watched the mothers pushing the prams around the inclosed deck on the ferry, calming their children, I didnt think much about why I'd choosed that image, I mean I looked around at everyones eyes for signs that the fear I was feeling was not being shared by others and it wasn't.

So when I tell T this she said it was interesting that I choose the image of a mother comforting a child, she said thats because you didnt have that as a child and the fear you felt when you lost your birth mother is what is coming through you, and the no one else being able to see what you are feeling is exactly how it felt because your adoptive mother didnt see it, didn't want to see it, didn't help you transcend the loss.

I still can't consiously connect the 2 things yet, the fear I feel today with the fear I felt as a baby, I was reading an exert from a book I was deciding to buy or not yesterday entitled "Healing from Adoption" and a part of it said...

Instead for the child whose mother gives her up for adoption, the child suffers the psychological death of her mother. But she is told that she is special and chosen and lucky. She is supposed to forget that there was another mother. Make believe this is your only family, make believe that all is well. As IF it is your own. The message is that it is a good thing your mother is not there for you, is dead for you. You are not allowed to be sad about it, acknowledge the pain, anger or sadness, perhaps even to yourself. You are not allowed to mourn the loss of your own mother. The grief gets stuck in your body and keeping in pain is destructive. (So is keeping in anger and sadness) The child has to go into a kind of shock and to numb. You can’t really live that way, but you can pretend. And we adoptees are great pretenders. This child gets no respect.

What would happen if one of your mother’s died today and you were told you couldn’t cry, you couldn’t go to the funeral and to make believe she never existed. What would happen to you. Take a moment and think about it. Isn’t that what happened to most of us, in some way?

There was something powerful in this, it went on to describe the fear we feel, unyet I still can't consiously link the fear up with the past, it keeps grabbing hold of things in my life today and spoiling it for me, its not one of those things you can demand happen, I cannot sit in therapy and say "memory I demand you happen now so I can be done with thsi fear", but I'm impressed T picked up on the image I gave her on the boat of the mother protecting and calming their child and knowing the child wouldnt die alone, and thats when T said, yes but you did, you did die without a mother, my eyes sprung open wide and I said, but, but I didnt die??? T said no not physically!! I know we are getting closer to the centre of this fear..what must it have felt like for a baby to feel like its mother or itself had died?!!

f**k me it was only a short ferry trip LMAO!!! thank gawd I never went on the Titanic LOL!!!!

(((Melba))) You always have such powerfully healing insights! And you are too funny - yeah, good thing it was only a short ferry trip! :-)

I hadn't thought about what you posted here, so thank you. It makes me realize the pain that happens inside the hearts of adopted children.

I can't imagine what that would feel like. We are biologically programmed to attach to our mothers so that we can survive and then the mother is gone. Absolutely terrifying..........

And the grief, the grief that isn't recognized and allowed and you are told to feel the opposite! Yes, talk about the perfect way to screw up grieving.....