[Melbadaze]

Sigh, sigh, sigh, tears, silence, memories, feelings...feel like packing it all up over here and moving to Ireland, sigh, sigh, sigh, yes everything seems out of sink now? Yes memories and knowledge that I did loose something, sigh, sigh, sigh, yes with knowledge comes feelings, you were never allowed to treasure anything, nope, adoptive mother to afraid of Ireland, birth mother, sigh, sigh, sigh, all the wrong accents are screaming at me now, do your children feel out of sink with you? nope I am more aware now of them being my children, now I have a line, continuence, now you have found a part of you? yes, sigh, sigh, sigh...dam feelings, loss is a painful experience, whilst you are getting through it, I mean I know once all this is further forward I will feel reborn!! but, man oh man, sigh, sigh, sigh! viva Ireland!

[pachyderm]

Irish grass is a lot greener than English grass?

[ladyjrnlist]

HUGS! Sounds like a rough time. You will get through it.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Irish grass is a lot greener than English grass?

To be sure, to be sure! Plus I want the job of watering the fairy trees!

[Sannah]

So true, so true........

[PTSDlovemycats]

(((HUGS!)))

[Melbadaze]

So today I feel more aware of the present. Looking back on yesterdays session I realize now I was in one of my "in it" moments, where the past presents in the present, and it feels like I've been stuck in that past all of my life (PTSD) and yesterday I had vivid recall of something that I have not before been able to tap into, of course not I was a baby, but the feelings where there, just hanging around constantly playing in the background.

The fear of being abandoned played out much of my entire life because of this first abandonment, no matter how secure my marriage is I can still go through moments when I am yet again "in it" and imagine my husband is about to abandon me, but this morning I feel as if yesterday I was finally pulled out of a sewer and as painful as it is to HAVE_TO_RE-EXPERIENCE the original trauma, its the only true key to freedom, I can't do the experience justice here, but its an internal sensation, but now through I sat here this morning and was able to move this tunnel thinking on a bit, that yes I lost something precious, a birth mother, someone I had grown inside of for 9months and spent 8days with and then to loose that is awful, but if that hadn't have happened, I would have had a different set of problems to have had to deal with, becuase she was an alcoholic, she had been proscuted for child abuse with an older sibling, my problems today would have been different, but still problems.

I think one of the off shoots of PTSD is that you get caught up in it and have some unrealistic idea that if it wasn't for "this/that or the other" my would have been ok, that somehow theres this perfect life out there, theres not, **** happens to everyone, but until we process the particular **** that happened to us, we have no chance of seeing the balance in life, I was so caught up in my wounds.

I think now I'm more able to see the rational, the feelings don't feel as raw now, raw feelings certainly make us irrational people, today I can still feel the hurt, but its not so daming!..phew!

[Sannah]

THis is definitely one thing that I experienced - as I worked through all of my old feelings my thinking got much more clearer. Having a bunch of stuffed emotions really interferes with clear thinking.