[MoAnamCara]

i thank you all, firstly, for sharing what you share here. i normally dont say too much here.

i dont think im looking for feedback, maybe i am.... i just feel like i need to get out some thoughts, to ease the pressures on the brain! and im not sure this is the correct location to put this either.

i wonder why i question myself continuously and my emotions and thoughts so much. i think i know the answer in a way as it all started out in our childhood (or for me it did) and whatever experiences we endured or enjoyed. certainly, from that point our perceptions and thoughts were either altered or continued to grow correctly or incorrectly. perhaps some of us have struggled with things since, various challenges on the way of this life journey. we are all very different, yet we do all feel similar pains and hurts.

i often question the choices i have made in life. some have been foolish and i suppose its only looking back (and I'm NOT over the hill!) that we realize what mistakes we have made. part of that is just life i think. and even with saying that i still hold huge blame for allowing myself to be part of certain negative situations, how could i have been so blind and ignorant and foolish to put myself in such a predicament?

i also feel at times that our life is predetermined. even though we make the choices, they were already made for us, so to speak. things turn out one way or another, its destiny (and i dont wish to get into beliefs etc. here at all) but there have been times where ive thought about certain instances and really felt like a certain thing happened for a reason. its an interesting concept for me. it doesnt mean i believe in it 100%, its just interesting to entertain.

this doesnt make things okay. abuse is not okay, nor other things we have endured. i wonder if all is ultimately preplanned for us, do we make decisions or are we following a predetermined path to which we are completely unaware?

so at what point can we accept these choices, and not negatively reflect on them. at what point can we forgive ourselves and work on building our self esteem and realize its not and hasnt been our fault, even though it still seems like it. when will i completely understand that the childhood stuff was wrong, it wasnt me that was wrong. when will i completely understand that the adult abuse was wrong, it wasnt my fault either? i dont have an answer for these questions. in times of clarity i can question myself logically, other times it is much more difficult to attack questions and thoughts without falling down into a dark hole.

my journey through t, only a couple of months old, has been an eye opening one for me. in many ways i was completely green, having no clue. i went for one reason and a whole host of other things have since surfaced that i realized i had never dealt with and which i needed help with. these things are very painful and very difficult to revisit. hopefully over time i will be able to work through these things finally and come out the other side a more complete being. there have been times recently when ive felt like I just wanted to run away and not revisit things, its very difficult.

perhaps the farther along i travel, the flashbacks, the images, the bodily reactions will cease. i wish for the day that I can arrive at that point. i wish for the day i can feel happy and confident, enjoy my own company and that of others, for the day that i no longer worry about every single thing, to be open to people and trusting of people, to have more pleasant dreams and ultimately to live the life i always wanted to.

take care all.

[Suratji]

Some of what you're working on I have begun with therapy this past couple of months too. Trying to let the past go and find some peace of mind with my decisions. The T said it will take a bit of time to process since there's so much. I find myself thinking constantly between sessions to try to figure stuff out and then I talk about it in session. I am hoping the T will be able to give me some concrete guidance once my 'story' has been told. I'm reading an awesome book now called, "Everything you Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d." by Candace Pert, Ph.D. She's a renowned psychopharmacologist who also wrote the book "Molecules of Emotion" and was interviewed by Bill Moyers in his PBS Series, "Healing and the Mind". She was also featured in the movie, "What the Bleep Do we Know?" I've just begun the book and I'm hoping it will give me tips on how to change my reactions and how get beyond my personal history.

[ladyjrnlist]

I try to have no regrets. And I don't have many. I try to live by the philosophy.

[WePow]

It takes a good amount of courage to question inside.
The part of therapy known as trauma healing can be very healing, but it is also some of the hardest work a person will EVER do. It stinks and it is not fair.

[MoAnamCara]

thanks WePow -

i concur, it stinks.

take care.

[Suratji]

But I think it may be something like childbirth. The pain can be so intense but once it's over, we're ecstatic.

[MoAnamCara]

gosh Suratji.......... a good comparison but i havent experienced that. i just hope i can do it, that ill get there.

thanks

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

i wonder why i question myself continuously and my emotions and thoughts so much.

i often question the choices i have made in life. some have been foolish
i still hold huge blame for allowing myself to be part of certain negative situations, how could i have been so blind and ignorant and foolish to put myself in such a predicament?

i also feel at times that our life is predetermined.

at what point can we accept these choices, and not negatively reflect on them. at what point can we forgive ourselves and work on building our self esteem and realize its not and hasnt been our fault,

Good luck in finding your answers Mo.......

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

i also feel at times that our life is predetermined. even though we make the choices, they were already made for us, so to speak. things turn out one way or another, its destiny (and i dont wish to get into beliefs etc. here at all) but there have been times where ive thought about certain instances and really felt like a certain thing happened for a reason. its an interesting concept for me. it doesnt mean i believe in it 100%, its just interesting to entertain.

this doesnt make things okay. abuse is not okay, nor other things we have endured. i wonder if all is ultimately preplanned for us, do we make decisions or are we following a predetermined path to which we are completely unaware?

.

I agree with you on this so much! Thanks for taking the time to post this!

[MoAnamCara]

PTSD -

too many thoughts sometimes - eh?

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow. What a wonderful post. And I mirror so much of what you go through. It's a difficult place to be in. It's easy to intellectualize the rights and wrongs, or to know what contributes to what behavior...but feelings are not that easy. I hope we get to the other side, Mo. It won't be easy.

[MoAnamCara]

no, but we got to keep climbing over the hurdles to get there. some days its harder with the weight of the world on our backs, so it seems. other days are lighter. perhaps once we all reach the summit we can celebrate!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

I agree with you on this so much! Thanks for taking the time to post this!

Yes, Definitely!