Do some therapists lose interest?

Do you think that some therapists start to detach from clients after a while?

I've seen my therapist for 4 years. I was triggered today when I found a 2yr old text from T on my old cell phone. She wrote saying how sorry she was for not calling me and checking how I was after something bad had happened. I was surprised to read it because I forgot how she used to pay me that kind of attention, and I felt sad.

I don't need special attention, but I'm just worried that I'm becoming a client that she can't be bothered with anymore. I've noticed in the last few months my sessions have been shorter, and there are things she used to say in session - things she used to notice about me that made me feel cared about. I don't think she can be bothered anymore.

I know I'm trying to mind read, but assuming I'm not just jumping to conclusions here - I just feel that maybe she's gotten bored with me as a client. Or maybe I've just gotten to the point of TMI and now she knows all my bad stuff, she doesn't see me the same anymore. Therefore she treats me differently. I mean they're only human right?

Thanks for reading.

They are human...and to answer your question, I don't know. I saw a T for 7 years and had the opposite problem. I had to fire her because she got too close and started "mothering" me instead of being my T. She would begin every session by asking if I had gone to class that day and then when I talked would tell me I was making bad decisions. So, I don't know.. but they are people too.

Maybe something changed in her life (that has nothing to do with you) but that causes her to have less time to devote to texting her clients. If it makes you feel better, I've never had a T who texted me to check in...

I would bring it up with her. I think you might be interpreting this negatively. Is it possible that she feels you need less support because of the progress you have made?

Yes Lily99,
I feel the same the same way. -Or actually I did and then I quit therapy. It is like a formula I think. They do X, Y, and Z and then you are supposed to be at point A, B, & C. Most t's aren't expecting it to take years upon years. I emailed my t and told him that I was aware that there was no working alliance anymore between us. And asked him to please not email back. He didn't.

I do not personally plan on trying to find another t. While the thought is tempting to find someone who will make me feel cared for like my t once did. I know that it is exhausting to put all of this effort in to a fake relationship. I am going to keep on with my new DBT skills group and try to connect with some of the girls in there.

I would suggest trying to resolve the issue first with your t like I did and if you don't find any resolution maybe start to entertain the thought of a new t or a different type of support for yourself. I know this is painful.

It sure is for me.............................

I had a t for several years, and it was like too comfortable...he knew most of my background (aside from the large chunk I keep to myself) and it just got old. We were on the same merry-go-round for months. He would actually say things like "well if you've got nothing to say then you can go home and we can pick it up next week." (like that's what I wanted to hear after a 45 min drive) I was the consummate non-talker, and he had run out of ways to draw stuff out of me. I don't know who stopped trying first...but in the end it was a stalemate. I did move on, after months of excruciating dead sessions and wasting tons of money.

I'm wondering where you are in terms of treatment. Are you doing better, after being with this T for 4 years? Have your symptoms decreased? I'm wondering if T is backing off with intense support, longer sessions, etc because she feels like you're doing all of the right things for the most part, so you don't need as heavy of an intervention? I don't know the context of the situation.

It makes me think of like rehabilitative physical therapy, because I've been through it. At first it's really intense, and I work 100% with the physical therapist attempting to get me walking. Then over time he teaches me exercises to do with him as a support/spotter, and then on my own. I may still go to the physical therapy facility, but see my PT less and less because I've made a lot of progress.

Hoping that made sense...

The one time I sensed my old T "losing interest" in me, I called her on it, and as it turns out, she said she was just feeling inadequate about helping me with this one particular crisis. She didn't know what to do, and she felt bad, and so she (unconsciously) backed off.

Once we talked about it, though, we got through it and I felt the connection again.

I don't know if that could be what's happening with your T....it could be more about her than you.

The only way to find out is to ask her.

I feel like my T coddles me less than she used to. For example, she used to never let me skip a session -- she just would argue me out of doing that, or if I did have a real scheduling problem she would go out of her way to find me another time in the same week. But now she is more flexible about things like that. (Of course, I no longer impulsively cancel all the time just because I'm upset about stuff.)

I don't feel that she cares less, though. I just feel that she trusts me more, to not do anything really bad. I guess I used to feel that I was a very high-needs client (and I was). But I'm not any more. So I guess I feel OK about her behavior change, really.

(Just another way to look at it, maybe?)

-Far

I think it's worth asking your T about. Maybe she is giving less support because you don't need it as much anymore. But maybe there is another reason. Maybe she isn't even aware he is doing it.

After I had been seeing my T for two years, I commented to him that we had been seeing each other for two years, and he said, "has it been that long? It still feels fresh." I was glad it still felt fresh to him, but that made me think that sometimes, with some clients, it must stop feeling fresh, or he wouldn't have said that.

Lily, I wonder if that is what is going on with your T?

My T also told me recently that he has never terminated a client. He said he would find it really, really hard to do that. So if he doesn't terminate clients, what does he do? What if he has a client who thinks they should still be in therapy whereas he thinks they shouldn't? Maybe he just withdraws and detaches and lets the client figure it out.... I don't know. I would hope not. But his comments have got me wondering.

Lily, I think it would be good to hear what your T says on this.

I think if they did then that would become part of the work together, after all, all relationships take work.

I hope you'll talk to your T about it, and hopefully it will be addressed as griffinp's T did.

My T works with me differently now than he did when we first started, but I think that's because I'm different. I need different support these days than I once did.

I know how you feel Lily. I saw my T for nearly 2 years, and in the beginning everything was great... She dumped me two days ago.

To answer your question, I don't know. I agree that they're only human. But it's not a client's fault if therapy goes on longer than the T expected. Sessions just tend to go by without any progress made sometimes...these add up, then before you know it it's been a year since therapy started. Then two. What if it's because we're looking for support and understanding as much as we're looking for progress..and never want those things to end? Then there's the possibility of transference, which doesn't do much to help. I guess the point I'm trying to get to here is that all these things affect the duration of our therapy...since T doesn't share these feelings, what seems like an eternity of time in therapy for her is really just a blip in our lives...we can never get enough therapy as long as there's that comfort and understanding she provides.

....at least for me, others may feel differently. Hope this helps

I think like any relationship, T just gets more comfortable with you and knows you so well, like they almost automatically know how you're doing day-to-day, as much as I complain that they aren't mind readers. I've been seeing my T for 9 1/2 years. She used to tell me little stories about something in her own life, but now I notice that she hasn't really self disclosed in over a year. I think it's because my own treatment has evolved from more growing-up-"situational" problems (i.e. how to handle myself when I was in college, feeling like I was the only single person my age, how to tell someone off. etc.) into vulnerable, deeper stuff involving my most personal thoughts and feelings. Maybe she feels that offering a personal anecdote (which I kind of miss) is not helpful at this point in my therapy.

Yeah I hear you. I am a much different person than when I started with this T.

thanks everyone, you've all given me something to think about. I think I'll take a break from T thoughts for a while. Life is good at the moment