[messenger1]

When I noticed that I felt attracted to my T I mentioned the "problem" to my T, my T ignored it, I mentioned it again, my T ignored it, and when I ran out of patience and explicitly told my T that I expected him to do something to help me deal with the feelings he caused me he abandoned me and told me to find myself another therapist.

I feel relieved because my T confirmed once and for all my belief that the feelings were obviously not mutual, but I feel resentful toward that person for playing games with me, for making me develop feelings toward him, and then, when he found himself unwilling to help me, for abandoning me and telling me to find myself another therapist.

I wasted time and money and instead of healing got hurt. I became unsure of therapy and afraid of relationships. And worst of all, after seeing the indifference with which my T handled my pain, I ended up with the strange idea that maybe there is nothing wrong with that...

Was it all my fault? Should I have been stronger? Should I have applauded my T for causing me a pain that had nothing to do with the therapy?

[Liam Grey]

A good therapist knows how to deal with transference...! And the right way it's certainly NOT to abandon you and kick you away like he did . This one sounded like an incredible incompentent to me.

It wasn't your fault at all! The only right thing he said is that you should find another (better) therapist.

Stay strong please!

[learning1]

Sorry for what happened messenger1. I agree with Liam. I hope you're able to find another t. I think if you read on PC for a little while, you'll see other t's handle it better and it's not your fault.

[ladyjrnlist]

I'm with Liam. I had a similar issue, and my T talked with me about it and reassured me it's actually pretty normal. He asked IF I wanted another T and I said no. I asked him if he wanted me to find one and he said no. He had to ask me that as a matter of professionalism, but he handled it with compassion and concern, not with rejection. Sorry you went through that.

[inbloom]

Yuck! It sounds to me like this T just wasn't capable of handling what is actually a very common, normal experience in therapy. I would suggest that you continue searching for a T that can handle your feelings and can offer support and comfort and healing in a safe way. Like any profession, there are some people who are less skilled than others. There are ALOT of wonderful T's out there. You just have to believe that you deserve to find one, and be wiling to put in the time to look. I went through 8 T's before I found my own. It was SO worth the search. Good luck to you!!

[Christina86]

Okay, having feelings for your T is not abnormal. Depending on the therapy even, it's something that the T is trying to achieve! Part of transference is that it's ultimately supposed to help you in the long run. You did the responsible thing, bringing it up with your T. I can't really speculate on what was going through your T's mind, but they could have been dealing with their own countertransference issues, that they couldn't find an appropriate way to deal with. They could have been dealing with any number of issues actually, that likely had nothing to do with you.

It's not always possible, but a T should try to end therapy in a positive way that will not hurt the client (or will hurt the client the least amount possible). That's about termination. They're even taught how to do it. Sometimes a T isn't a good fit with the client, has their own issues to work through, or even doesn't feel that they've got the right skills to help a client -- so it's generally their job to refer a client elsewhere for help and support. Up and leaving a client without a referral elsewhere isn't something a T is supposed to do unless there are some really big other issues that could pop up. (After all, there are exceptions sometimes)

You've got every right to your feelings, and the right to feel hurt by this. What they did seems pretty unprofessional IMO, and I'm sorry that happened to you.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Ouch, I am so sorry that you got that response. You did NOT deserve that at all. You are better off without that T. I think that T went about it all the wrong way, T's are trained to deal with those sorts of feelings and are expected to act appropriately in those situations, Don't let that hold you back. You did NOTHING wrong, infact it was brave and courageous of you to express your feelings like that. I hope that you can find yourself another T and continue along the therapeutic road to better mental health, (((Hugs)))

[messenger1]

Originally Posted by Christina86

Okay, having feelings for your T is not abnormal. Depending on the therapy even, it's something that the T is trying to achieve!

Christina, what type of therapies are those?

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by messenger1

Christina, what type of therapies are those?

A better question would be what kinds of therapies do NOT depend on developing "therapeutic transference". Lots of therapy types use transference as a vehicle to healthy change for a client. Only a few types of therapy don't -- those are more analytical and a therapist is usually more of a mirror to reflect and doesn't say too much. Or if it's very goal oriented like in CBT for short periods - it's less about the therapeutic relationship, and more about getting the client the skills so they can get out the door.

All of this is my opinion, not necessarily fact.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by messenger1

...
I wasted time and money and instead of healing got hurt. I became unsure of therapy and afraid of relationships. And worst of all, after seeing the indifference with which my T handled my pain, I ended up with the strange idea that maybe there is nothing wrong with that...

Was it all my fault? Should I have been stronger? Should I have applauded my T for causing me a pain that had nothing to do with the therapy?

How long were you in therapy with this T?
Sounds like you asked to deal with it, asked and asked again. Were you willing to stay with that T even if he could not deal with it? Unable to deal with it appropriately, the T terminated/referred you to someone else?

See, I think you were VERY strong - you didn't cave when he avoided dealing with the topic. You knew it was an issue and you were not going to run away from it.
No applause for the T - you deserved an honest and direct answer, and at least an attempt at a termination process. Termination can be SO painful.
The therapist is the "manager" of the therapy relationship, and must regulate his own reactions carefully. How could it be your fault?

[Loveart]

Originally Posted by Christina86

A better question would be what kinds of therapies do NOT depend on developing "therapeutic transference". Lots of therapy types use transference as a vehicle to healthy change for a client. Only a few types of therapy don't -- those are more analytical and a therapist is usually more of a mirror to reflect and doesn't say too much. Or if it's very goal oriented like in CBT for short periods - it's less about the therapeutic relationship, and more about getting the client the skills so they can get out the door.

All of this is my opinion, not necessarily fact.

Thanks, Christina - very helpful. So, am i correctly understanding that CBT (cognitive-behaviorial therapy?) is solution-focused and generally very short-term, i.e., 1 year or less? Who determines that the client has the "skills so they can get out the door?" the T? would a CB therapist terminate at this point?

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by Loveart

Thanks, Christina - very helpful. So, am i correctly understanding that CBT (cognitive-behaviorial therapy?) is solution-focused and generally very short-term, i.e., 1 year or less? Who determines that the client has the "skills so they can get out the door?" the T? would a CB therapist terminate at this point?

Depends on the insurance company some of the time (insurance companies like CBT because it's short term which means that they have to pay less). CBT is generally 6-8 sessions total. It is very solution focused and generally short term. But some therapists will use CBT in their work with clients (in the longer-term), but not just CBT usually though. At a certain point, you can only learn so much CBT.

There could be a contract between client and T deciding how long it would last. T's wouldn't generally just terminate without a good reason (I'd hope!)