Accepting that T is not who I want

pachy, I hope that grieving fully will help me. Thank you for being here! inbloom: thank you for your kind words. I keep thinking about my Mom and my T, and wanting to grieve for my Mom with my T. It's hard to think about death and harder to talk about it, but my T says it's okay and I need to. It's hard to come face to face with the reality. I still hate my T (part of me does, not all of me) for shattering my dreams even though she told me she didn't want to do that. By being my T she did it; it's not her fault. I hate that she cares about other clients besides me. I have to stop pretending that therapy is something it isn't. My T lost her mother too; she understands. That's the reality. She emailed me that she respects me for the "hard work I'm doing in therapy". I know I have to feel this pain and hurt and this time not go back into denial about who my T is. It's too disappointing to see her for who she is. But sometimes it isn't because she's there for me as much as she is able to be. It's got to be enough for me. It hurts, though. I wish my Mom had been alive to see my kids grow up. I'm just writing stream-of-consciousness here because I'm anxious and sad, but kind of resigned too. I'm determined to get through this and accept reality because I can't stand to have this attachment to my T that hurts so much, yet it still hurts too much to have it be about my mother. It's going to take time, I think, until I get it all straightened out.