[Catlovers141]

---The trigger warning is there because of mention of suicide, although I am not going into detail about methods, etc.---

I don't know if anyone has really noticed, but I haven't been on PC in a while. I've been feeling really horrible and was just isolating myself. I am so emotionally drained after trying so hard in everything, forcing myself to do everything everyday, and then just watching things get worse. I have also been on medication that I think made things worse (It was an SSRI and I am 19 years old, so I'm within the age range where suicidal thoughts are a possible side effect).

I very rarely call my T. She even keeps telling me I should call her more often. I just either don't want to bother her or don't think it will help. But yesterday, I decided to give it one last try before I completely decided that calling her would never be worth it.

I did, and she sent me an email at about midnight saying that she will be out of town on Saturday and can call me back on Sunday afternoon, and that I have the crisis numbers if I need them.

I called her early Friday afternoon because I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it through the weekend. Calling Sunday afternoon is when the weekend is over, and I am seeing her on Monday. I called her because I didn't think that if things got worse I would be able to call the crisis number because I find that terrifying. Calling her took a lot of energy, and I am already drained.

I know I'm taking it the wrong way. People go out of town and she can't be there every second of her life. But after being encouraged to call only to be told that she can't get back to me when I need her to has only added to the issue. Especially since I nearly attempted suicide last week. I feel like I am not worth her time and all my fears about calling have been confirmed. I just have no energy left now. I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up crying too. It has been feeling like I have to force myself to try everything and then things just get worse, and now this happens and I just really want to give up. It just hurts so much to finally reach out and then have nothing be there when you need it.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Catlovers141

It just hurts so much to finally reach out and then have nothing be there when you need it.

But you reached out here, and we are here all weekend...

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

But you reached out here, and we are here all weekend...

I'm sure your T respects the effort you made to reach out to her and is sorry that she can't be available - I'm sorry she isn't too, because I know from my own experience how hard it is to call my T (and then not have her available the one moment, the one day I do!) ...... but you did reach out here too and we are here until she can call you! And it's OK to talk to her Sunday afternoon, even if you will see her Monday ..... keep holding on!

[Elana05]

Thinking of you catlovers. You are important and you deserve to feel better.


Crisis hotline:
800-273-8255

[milkblood]

calling my T is always really hard to do because I don't want to bother him, but I always feel better after I do

[inbloom]

(((((((catlovers)))))))..... Just wanted to say I hear you and understand!

[mixedup_emotions]

Ugh. What an awful feeling. You finally gathered the energy and courage to make that call...what a sinking feeling to not get what you worked so hard to reach out for. I can understand why you feel so awful about it. I hope you can use other resources in the meantime for support. I have found that PC has been my most effective method of support - sometimes even moreso than T. We're here for you. (( HUGS ))

[MASIMO]

I was telling my P Doc I felt bad about calling my T when I feel like S.I.
My T asked me to promise to contact him. My P Doc smiled at me and said, "HE CHOSE HIS PROFESSION, YOU DIDN'T" So I think we need to let it go about feeling
guilty about calling them if they invite us to. Certainly something important as
thoughts of harming oneself justify a call. Just went through that with my T going off a med.
Called him twice on two weekend nights...I needed an intervention and he was there for me as agreed.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I was telling my P Doc I felt bad about calling my T when I feel like S.I.
My T asked me to promise to contact him. My P Doc smiled at me and said, "HE CHOSE HIS PROFESSION, YOU DIDN'T" So I think we need to let it go about feeling
guilty about calling them if they invite us to.

I like this. It really is so true. Thank you for sharing this. I am going to remember it!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there...I think it's hard for most of us to call our T's and then to feel the rejection when they are not available. I'm emotionally exhausted too, we can make it through the weekend together..deal?