just wondering something

im fustrating my t by not talking. which i am trying so hard to do. she also doesnt think i will allow myself to connect or to be vulnerable. just wondering how do you allow this to happen.

Hi Suzzie,
#1: Do you just THINK you are frustrating your T, or did she tell you that?
I only ask, because I know how you feel. I used to go to every session terrified that *this* was the day that she finally could not stand me any longer and my non-talking, so she would fire me. I suffered in silence about that for a long time too. One day I finally got the courage to at least e-mail her my fear of her hating me/being frustrated with me/want to fire me. She wrote me back and said that wasn't true.

I still didn't believe it. Unfortunately, I had to keep questioning that over and over, and see that her response didn't change, and more importantly that SHE didn't change. Actions do speak louder than words. There was no magical moment in which it clicked for me, and Im' sure that I will falter again. It was time and slowly building trust that she was telling me the truth that allowed me to believe that.

Only then, did I start opening up more. My therapist was/is very patient. This took almost 3 years! And also a new approach (but thats just me). It was me who was putting so much pressure on myself, thus creating a worse situation for me. My T always,always told me that there was a reason I was so nervous and scared in there. That it wasn't just me being stupid or un-cooperative. Turns out, she is right.

Like always.

For a long time, I just kept showing up. That was the only thing I could do, but it showed that I was still trying, even if I did want to bang my head against the wall at my own silence. Keep trying, you will get there. It just may take longer than you hope for, or would think.

It sounds like maybe you're talking some? Or not talking at all?

I used to have a lot of trouble saying much in therapy. I had better luck with therapists who were talkative and chatty because I felt less pressure if they would keep a conversation going and do most of the talking.

I just decided one day that I was going to talk about anything at all. I hadn't said much in 9 months. I figured I had nothing to lose.
I talked about everyday things like baking Christmas cookies, just anything, nothing important. But it was important because it allowed my T to begin to get to know me more, it began building a bridge across the expanse between us, sometimes it gave us something to laugh about and that was important to me after all the seriousness of my silences.
The areas where I struggle with everyday things became apparent and when they came to light, T seized the moment and we talked about them, bridging the expanse in the other direction - from me to T.

When I decided to just say anything, after months of knowing that their is only one rule for therapy and that is to say anything and everything that comes to mind, I wondered how it would go and if what I said would be important enough to be talking about in therapy, or if I would sound stupid, or if she would judge me, all those things we worry about especially in the beginning of therapy. But, I felt I had nothing to lose and that being silent was already making me worry about these things, so I could try talking and see where that went. Scary, slow, talked more one time than the next, yes all those things. But I also had the joy of interacting and the relief of the stress of not talking. Good things to experience!

((((((((((suzzie))))))))))

When I find it hard to talk in therapy - which I REALLY did at the beginning and I still do sometimes - I either do what ECHOES did - just talk about literally ANYTHING, or I've talked about not talking.

Talking about my fear of talking helped a LOT. Just because....I was talking, interacting with T, working through that fear, finding out I could talk and it would be okay. It let me experience how patient and non-judgemental T was, and it kind of broke the seal of silence that I had (and have) such a hard time getting through.

Did your T say she was frustrated? My T has talked about being frustrated before, but he isn't frustrated with ME, he's frustrated with the process, and how hard it is. I think that our T's "get it".

to you

Last session I went in with even higher than usual anxiety and I talked about chitchatty stuff and just kept it up. When T pointed out it had been 10 minutes, I told her that's because I am scared & don't want to get into the real stuff.

But hey, at least I showed up, and at least I said something; and I don't remember how she did it but after she knew where I was coming from, she gently turned the conversation and the next thing I knew we were working. Ts have a lot of skills in this area.

big hugs i know how all this feels and i have no answers but wanted to send you some support and say i would start with even saying just one word and then maybe a sentance.this is what i tried to do.sometimes it helped.

Suzzie....I get it, I am a big non-talker. My current T has helped a lot by letting me email once in between sessions and write out some things to talk about. The subject line on the email is always the same "more crap I can't say out loud". Another way he helps is by always asking direct questions, nothing open ended.

You T is not frustrated. Most likely she is searching for that one key to help you open up. Have you tried writing stuff out and bringing it in? This used to petrify me because I didn't want to see T's expression/reaction when he read it...the email puts a buffer on that.

((((((suzzie))))))

I used to struggle with talking in therapy so I'd bring in my journals and read from them. That was hard too, but easier than talking. Or I'd do what others did, and talk "small talk" about my week. Can you do that?

I'm still anxious each week with my T and she starts out with breathing/meditation to calm me down. Would your T do anything like that?

My T does art therapy. Once I made a collage in the session so I didn't have to talk at all! Does your T do that, or would she let you? It doesn't matter if you are good at drawing or not. I had trouble talking when I was a child but when I got involved in an art project I became less self-conscious. I think art is a great tool in therapy. Even if your T is not an "art T", just ask if you or she can bring in some crayons and paper, or some magazines and scissors to make a collage. Just an idea for you.

I used to do the same as rainbow. Actually, I still do...I bring my jourmal to every session, and if I get stuck, I'll read out of it. For me, writing is so much easier than talking.

Also, once when I was totally stuck, I told my T "maybe I should just go home, you have better things to do than sit here in silence with me." She replied "I don't mind the silence. If that's what you need, then we can sit here in silence. It's your hour, use it as you need to." So, we sat in silence a bit longer, and then I told her I wanted to talk but was stuck and asked her if she could prompt me...she gently did so, and got me talking again. If there's something important that I need to talk about but know I won't be able to, I email T ahead of session and tell her briefly what I want to talk about and ask her to prompt me in session.

I've learned that not every session has to be all about talking. Sometimes, it's about just being present. Sometimes it's about having support to do things that are difficult (my T once sat with me while I made a difficult phone call during session because I needed the support). Sometimes it's just about having a place where you feel safe.

thank you everyone!

You've gotten some really good feedback so far.

I've found that when I have trouble talking, it's about resistance. Those forces within that are fighting with each other...scary things pushing their way out...and the brain/body fighting back, saying "that's not safe"....

My T tends to like resistance. He wrote a book about it...and he sees it as conflicting forces and everyone has to deal with resistance in one way or another. He also doesn't see it as something that needs to be broken through, but rather something to try to explore. What's causing the resistance? What's getting in the way? What do I need in order to feel safe enough to allow whatever wants to come up to surface?

It's difficult....and I'm still not there yet....but I have found myself more willing at times, and I think it largely depends on how safe I feel in the room and the relationship...

This is a very good point that Tree made! I also talked many times with my T about not talking. I learned more about my fears, she heard my fears, and I received her non-judgemental acceptance of my fears.