Acting out

Hi everyone. I posted this in another forum, but haven't received much response so thought that I would put it here as well. I am really hesitant and nervous about this post, because my greatest fear is that no one will be able to relate or understand and that I AM as alone as I feel in this. But, I thought I'd give it a shot and put this out there anyway....

Right now, much of my therapy is revolving around the huge feelings of guilt and shame that I have due to some of the ways that I acted out as a result of all the crap that happened during childhood. My T tries to reassure me by telling me that these things are "what I did and not who I am," but I can't seem to wrap my brain around that and to own the truth in it. And, there are still some things that I am far too ashamed to talk about with him, which is crazy.

Anyway, I am just wondering if anyone would be willing to share some of the ways that you have acted out as a result of abuse/your past, or share whether or not you DID act out at all. If you don't feel comfortable sharing specifics, I totally get that but maybe you could just share the ways that you worked through the guilt and the shame and forgave yourself?

I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame and self-hatred now. I feel like I have done horrible things and am a terrible person. I can't forgive myself. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't bring myself to talk about details in therapy. I am too afraid to share details here because I am so afraid that I am the only one who has acted out in these ways......I am so afraid that I am alone and that I really *am* the very worst person here. I hate feeling different!

*sigh* it's just really really hard.

inbloom - I've done some horrible things and I can't even blame it on any abuse from the past. I think if I had some excuse like that it would make it better. I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt and shame. I even have told my T that I cannot even ask for forgiveness because I don't believe I deserve it. I believe I need to be punished and I feel guilty when I begin to have a good time and enjoy myself. And I also have not shared this with my T. I don't know if I'll ever get the courage. I mean, how will it be with her once she knows the truth about me? It's just too scary to think about.

And I can't even blame the 'craziness of youth" for my misdeeds. My God, I was 50 years old and know better.

So, sorry that I do not have any answers to your struggle. My struggle is similar .

(((((inbloom))))))) Oh how I get the self-hatred junk :-( Yes, I have also acted out in ways that usually ended up hurting only me - but not always.
Abuse causes us to have what my T calls "abreactions" which can result in acting out. Not because we are bad people. But because our mind has to do SOMETHING with all the pain.

http://adultsurvivors.blogspot.com/2...-in-adult.html

That is a good article which may help you.

Suratji, thank you for sharing and for offering your understanding....means so much

WePow, thank you...I will take a look at that article....*sigh*.....I too, have acted out in ways that mainly hurt myself, some of which I am still too embarrassed to share. There is such stigma attached to so many things and such judgement in the world. I just feel like, if anybody knew, I would be SO judged and no one would care to think about WHY I might have done those things...... I am not referring to those here on this forum, but rather those IRL, although I'm sure that there are some here who would find me repulsive as well. And, of course, the acting out that hurt others just kills me.....

I understand the acting out.....and the shame and the self-hatred and the feeling that I am the very worst person who ever lived and everyone but me deserves forgiveness because I'm so defective.....I certainly wouldn't judge you or find you repulsive at all because I do understand. The thing is, you are not the things you have done, you are not bad because of the compulsion to act out.....

As an adolescent I acted out mostly against myself but also against others...a lot from frustration and pain. I had no outlet for my emotions and no coping skills to deal.
My T likes to say that I was acting normal in an abnormal situation to help me find peace with the things I have done

((((((inbloom))))))

I can't say that I've done anything like what you're referring to, but I've felt ashamed because of not being able to do things that others do. I felt ashamed because I didn't talk to people, even my relatives, when I was old enough to know better. I couldn't help it; I couldn't get the words out, like granite can't talk in therapy, and others too. That caused me great shame because I thought I was the only one in the world who had that problem. Not true, of course.

It's not your fault is what I'm trying to say. My T is trying to get me to accept that I did the best I could in difficult circumstances, like when I couldn't be there for my Mom when she was sick and dying. If I could have, I would have.

I know it's not the same, but I feel guilty and ashamed that I didn't behave differently. The guilt and shame are real feelings, but I'm sure you did the best you could. In IFS therapy, they say "a part of you" acted out, not all of you. Kind of like your T telling you that it's not who you are, but what you did. You had reasons to do what you did, and I would make a bet that you are not the only one who did those things, no matter how horrible you think they were. My T says to accept all of my parts with compassion, but to be curious about them. Maybe you can step aside, so to speak, and be curious, with your T at your side, as to why you acted the way you did. Why that PART did, I should say. You can try to put aside the shame and guilt parts (that's what I do in IFS therapy) and just be curious about the other part.

I hope that you will be able to come to terms with these hard issues in therapy.

I'm just reminded of how we are harder on ourselves than on other people. We would so easily forgive someone else if they had done what we have done. But there's something about not living up to our own ideals that makes our own misdeeds seem much much worse. Our vision of who we thought we were or who we wish we were or who we'd like to be - that has been shattered. We're left with the crushed ideal - the ideal that never was manifested.
That is where the agony lies I believe. I have thought of one positive result of our 'fall'. It should help us to never judge nor condemn another person - no matter what! We do not know their story. We do not know their struggles.
I used to judge much more easily. I would think to myself "How can she do such a thing? I would never do that". We can so easily fall into the trap of feeling superior. Of course, we would never consciously think we're superior but it is an attitude that lives in us nonetheless.
So, if we can somehow embrace our faults, our mistakes, our misdeeds and believe that our 'humanness' allows for trips and falls along the way, maybe we can somehow move through the guilt and shame. It's worth a try, don't you think?

Yes....it IS worth a try, it's absolutely necessary to try!
And I do agree.....my own hurts and struggles have helped me have compassion on others.....but I need to learn to have more compassion on myself. Because then I can heal much more deeply......and even have more healing grace to share with others.

My T has said something similar to me about acting normal in an abnormal situation.....that I found ways to cope and deal with the pain so I could survive and live.....not that I was bad, or am bad, but that I was in a bad situation, bad things happened to me.

Here's some passages from the book, "How Psychotherapy Really Works"
"Feeling guilty informs us that we have failed our own ideals. It is almost an unbearable emotion."

" Guilt is the ultimate form of self-disappointment. It is the sense of anguish we experience when we feel we have not achieved our own standards of what we ought to be. We have fallen short. We have betrayed some internal sense of a potential self. It is, of course, the most internalized and personal of emotions. If it is only you against you, there can be no villains except yourself. That is why guilt seems to tear apart our internal structure and why guilt is so painful to endure."

"Hidden guilt is a torture; guilt craves the exposure of a confession with its promise of expiation and forgiveness. The capacity to express one's guilt to someone in whom we have vested the authority of knowledge and certitude, and to receive a nonjudgmental reply, is a cathartic of the highest order."

"The other emotion whose relief is involved in catharsis is shame. Shame is the sister emotion to guilt, and is often confused with it."

"Shame represents the fear of exposure, the fear of dishonor and humiliation. Whereas guilt often seeks exposure, shame retreats into privacy for repair."

"But what if in exposing our sins, we discover that there is nothing to be ashamed of? This is what happens in therapy, and it happens tacitly and implicitly....The patient is no longer seem as being the responsible agent of evil, but the victim. The sin has been converted into a symptom. Now occupying the sick role, he becomes an object of sympathy rather than scorn."

"There is a further comforting and therapeutic effect in talking out one's innermost feelings to another human being. If nothing else, it creates a community, if only a community of two. A sense of community is one of the most comforting things we can have in a society as isolating and fragmented as the world in which we live."

Suratji, that sounds like a great book! Thank you for the quotes. I agree with the author and I think it's what my T is trying to do with me.

Yes. I definitely definitely definitely acted out - as a very very young child, and later as well - even since starting therapy. In some ways, it's very easy to look at it and see how clearly it is related to the things that happened to me...and at the same time, it's very easy to look at it and judge myself for doing what I did. Ack.

The only thing that cuts through shame, for me, is telling T. Which is awful and scary and horrible and sickening, really. But the shame gets SO SO SO SO big bouncing around in my head, and when I bring it into the light, and T helps me find perspective, it usually takes it down a notch.

And then it comes back and we go through the same thing again. And again.

There is no relief in holding this stuff, believe me. Reaching out here is a brave and good first step. Sometimes once I start to talk about something here, it gets easier to allow myself to say it out loud (or write it) to T. I think I've hinted at most of my story here before I ever opened my mouth and said anything to T about it. It's like...if I can say it here, and the world doesn't end, maybe it's safe to say it to T.

(((((((((inbloom)))))))))) Be gentle with you

((((((((((((((( inbloom )))))))))))))))

I can relate.
I have things that still bring me great pain when I think of them. Really, unlivable with things. I also wont go into detail here, its not personal, but for totally senstive issues, I've learnt to choose very carefully where I share them.
How do I deal with this? I try to make my life as good as it can be in the present, I have made amends as best I can, and I continue to try to make 'living amends', that is to contribute in as healthy way as I can to any situation Im in. I can only do my best, its not always wonderful. When the memories and the feelings come up, I face them, feel them and let them pass. Maybe one day I'll be over them, but I dont know. Im willing to live with the knowledge if thats what it takes. But making amends as far as is possilbe ~ I think thats all we can do.
Good luck, and you're not alone.

Interesting quote, would you be kind enough to tell me where its from? Some aspects I see things differently tho.

Thank you everyone, for such wonderful and thoughtful replies.

Suratji, thank you for sharing those quotes. I really enjoyed the perspective offered and I may look into that book.

I do think that I did the best that I could within some really crappy situations, and I really like and understand the idea of acting *normal* within an *abnormal* situation. My T tells me that I'm not alone with the things that I have done, but I think that it is often hard to just take his word for it, and there really is something comforting about knowing that others have had similar struggles and experiences....though I am genuinely sorry that any of you have had to deal with these feelings of shame and guilt and self-blame.

I do think that I will ultimately have to just lay it all out for T, in all its gory detail....maybe I can write it out?? I don't know....It's just so strange because I *know* he loves me, I know that he's never judged me or acted disgusted when I've told him things, and I'm still just having such a hard time with this.....yuck!

Another thing that gets me sometimes is that, by all appearances, I look like I have it all together....and sometimes, I just want to scream and blurt it all out, like "do you know what I've done....well, here it is...!!" I bet all the PTA moms would just LOVE what I've got to say (insert sarcasm)

Thank you, again, for listening and hearing me. I am feeling really thankful that i've found this space.

inbloom: yes. I have done things I struggle to live with. A large component of my chronic sui ideation is the fear that I am so dangerous to others that the world can only be a safe place if I leave it.

A friend, who had the same experience as me in the same situation, told me that the difference between us and the rest of the world is that we've seen our dark sides. Everyone has them, but few come face to face with them. I know what I'm capable of, and the knowledge isn't comfortable, but at least knowing it I can make sure that nothing like that ever happens again. I sometimes think about war crimes (which I'm not justifying) and the principle that in times of peace we often don't hold people accountable for the desperate acts they committed while at war. I look back on my situation then and see that it was war, and I was fighting for my life.

I did my best. I don't feel accepting or peaceful about what happened yet(!), but some healing came from an acknowledgement by one of the people who was most hurt by my actions- my sister- that only god knew what she would have done in the same situation. These words meant a lot from someone who was terribly angry with me for so many years. We never know how we will respond or behave in a desperate situation.

I hope you find a way to know (really, truly, deeply to the tips of your toes *know*) that you did your best with what you had.

Improving, this post made me cry....not sure why....not in a bad way, per se, I guess I just get it, and I want to really believe that I did the best with what I had......I think that I know that....but I don't *feel* it, if that distinction makes sense. Also, one of the people affected by my acting out was my brother....he has passed away and we never really had closure....I *know* that he wasn't angry with me and understood, but it still really hurts. Anyway, thank you for opening up to me.

The book is "How Psychotherapy Really Works - How it Works when It Works and Why Sometimes It Doesn't" written by Willard Gaylin, M.D. 2001 McGraw Hill Publisher

inbloom, bless you. Yes, I know it's one thing to know, and another to believe, and yet another to feel the truth. And I think that healing does involve a lot of going back and forth between all three (and none).

I'm so sorry your brother is gone. I can imagine it feels like such a potential avenue of healing is so firmly closed. My grandmother, who was like a second mother to me, died while I was estranged from my family. She left me a letter saying I had broken her heart. Last words that can't be undone, and will never be followed by anything forgiving. I try to believe that now she's in a place where she has a better overview, and she can understand better now than she did then.

How valuable that you know how your brother felt- I hope you can cling hard to that truth, and that the truth one day becomes a feeling you can trust.

Yes, to be aware of our dark sides. Everyone has them and some of us have had the unfortunate experience that has allowed the dark side to manifest. Why? Who knows? But I think, in the end, we are healthier because we know about that part of us that exists.

There have been some psychological studies done about the ability of humans to torture each other. I read something about some test done at a university in which some students had the ability to 'shock' some other students by electric current. I don't remember the details of the study but the conclusion was that every human being has a dark side and these students found themselves 'torturing' their fellow students.

So, by our awareness of our own dark sides, we are in a better position to resist the dark impulses.

Suratji, this is a really positive way to look at it, and I definitely agree with you. If nothing else, I think that so many of us have incredible self-awareness and insight, which IS so valuable and worthwhile. Thank you for your support

Me too, Improving....thank you