I don't like exposing myself to T

I find it quite humiliating and embarrassing to show T my weak and vulnerable places. I even told her in last session that that which I've been discussing with her is NOT ME and NOT MY LIFE. I told her that in my real life I am competent, strong, together, logical, clear-thinking, supportive to others, successful, fun, curious, adventurous, etc.

But since I've been going to therapy beginning in December, and my T has encouraged me to allow my emotions to come forth, I find myself weak, needy, confused, out-of-control, nervous, depressed, lethargic, etc.

I took a klonopin yesterday and my REAL self returned. I don't know why I should be allowing emotions to have such power over me. It seems like stuffing them has not been that disadvantageous. At least I was able to function better in life.

So, should I continue on with this (mis)adventure with T? I question myself constantly about it. She knows that I question it and we discuss it a lot. Still.....

I know how you feel. More later....I'm going somewhere now. Meanwhile,

I am pro-therapy in general, I think most people can benefit, but it really depends if the thing that you're going to therapy for is big enough or is causing enough impediments to reaching your potential.

For me it is not even a question, the issues in my life are pressing enough that being in therapy is more a question of "how" than "why." But then you're saying that you feel competent, together, and strong most of the time. SO!

What I do know is, whenever it feels like the end of the line, therapy often surprises you. I just went to my pdoc appointment absolutely DREADING giving this week's update. I felt like there was no point, this person has nothing they could say that would help.. expecting one of these: But the thing is, I was totally blunt about the fact that I didn't think he could help me-- and I feel like in a way it broke a layer of ice. We had a really good talk about it. Out of nothing came something!

BIG hugs for tomorrow's big disclosure, I know you're nervous about that and you're being very brave about going forward anyway. Hope t's response and the direction it takes you guys is a good surprise.

You sound like me. I am always telling T this is not me and not my life. LOL.

But I want to learn to express and feel me emotions. After years of stuffing them and ignoring them I see the big effect it has on my kids and I want to be more healthy for them.

I find the whole process humiliating and embarrassing too. I hope it will get better and become more natural over time.

Maggy

After telling T, that this is not my life - then I agree that I guess it is after all. Deeply repressed emotions that I act out unconsciously have affected my life so I guess that's what I'm doing now in therapy. My T keeps telling me that the intensity of the emotions will subside as I slowly gain some more self-understanding

My T had said that too. That they will subside and that eventually I wont feel so thin skinned. I guess only time will tell.

The biggest problem is my repressed emotions have lead to panic attacks.
I would love to be rid of the panic!

Maggy

Yes, I understand. Stuffing that other person away doesn't make "her" go away, however. She still exists right next to that competent person that you favor. This other side of you just needs to work on these things and then she can join the side that you like. When we have issues we usually have an emotional self and an intellectual self which are not at the same level. Those of us with issues have an underdeveloped emotional self. Therapy can help this side develop so that you can like her just as much. This is what happened with me. Now I am integrated and enjoying this so much more!

That's what my T keeps telling me. I keep analyzing and intellectually exploring and she says, "Pay attention to your body. There is where you will learn about your emotional side" I've learned we can't ignore the emotions. They will control us and if they're not conscious, it's like a speeding car without a driver at the steering wheel. When we uncover the emotions, we can place ourselves in the driver's seat.

Still...

true.....I keep right on being intellectual and have only barely touched the emotional and my T tells me I need to feel....but it's in this feeling, sharing the emotions right there in real-time that is so hard for me and makes me feel so exposed and so not in control. but in continuing to hide from emotions by intellectualizing them, I'm still actually letting them have control in me, rather than me having control like I think I do if I wrestle with them intellectually!
I think I understand where you are Suratji, and I wish you courage to face and to feel the emotions, even if it makes you feel so exposed...

Exactly!

That "still" is interesting..........

But this is exactly what needs to occur in therapy eventually.

There is no control with emotions. They need to be released. (The only control is maybe a delay until it is appropriate to express your feelings.)

I don't like it either. I've been seeing T for a very long time, and I still hate it. I have told her many times that I am not this "serious" outside of her office.

I spent a couple of sessions with T to tell her about my REAL life. I know it was probably a waste of time in the process of getting to my issues but it was important for me to be able to present a more complete picture of myself. I didn't want her to know me only as this messed-up person.

"STILL" it is damned impossible to climb into the driver's seat.

Maybe fear is an inhibiting factor?

FEAR bigtime!!!!!

you are right.....I'm delaying, because I'm afraid (as I think perhaps Suratji is too?)

Then work on the fear?

My intellectualizing nature could write pages exploring what fear is. I just read a wonderful article written by Pema Chodron in the Shambala Sun Magazine that discusses fear. I need to study it deeply. Here are a few excerpts pulled out in random order:

"If we're hurting enough, and we really want to start looking for the source of our pain and what we can do about it, it goes beyond just wanting to feel better about ourselves. In Buddhism, it's called spiritual warriorship. At its most basic, it means working on ourselves, developing courage and fearlessness and cultivating our capacity to love and care about other people. It involves taking good care of ourselves, but whatever we do, it's all in the bigger context of helping."

"If we come to the understanding that we are needed and commit ourselves to doing something about our own pain and the pain around us, we will find that we are on a journey. A warrior is always on a journey, and a main feature of that journey is fear. This fear is not simply something to be lamented, avoided or vanquished. It is something to be examined, something to make a relationship with."

"Fear is like a dot that emerges in the space in front of us and captures our attention. It is like a doorway we could go through, but where that doorway leads is not predetermined. It is up to us. Usually when we're afraid, it sets off a chain reaction.

"We go inward and start to armor ourselves, trying to protect ourselves from whatever we think is going to hurt us. But our attempts to protect ourselves do not lessen the fear. Quite the opposite - the fear is actually escalating. Rather than becoming free from fear, we become hardened."

"...the very bsis of fear itself is doubting ourselves, not trusting ourselves. You could also say it is not loving ourselves, not respecting ourselves. In a nutshell, you feel bad about who you are."

"So the very first step and perhaps the hardest, is developing an unconditional friendship with oneself."

"Developing unconditional friendship means taking the very scary step of getting to know yourself. It means willing to look at yourself clearly and to stay with yourself when you want to shut down.

"It means keeping your heart open when you feel that what you see in yourself is just too embarrassing, too painful, too unpleasant, too hateful."

"Becoming a spiritual warrior must begin with the determination that you want to really know yourself completely and utterly, so that you don't have any private rooms and nooks and crannies that you're concealing."

"If you touch the fear instead of running from it, you find tenderness, vulnerability, and sometimes a sense of sadness."

Anyway, the article contains much more wonderful insights on how fear must be faced.

Thanks for posting from the article about fear. It's good!!

I can identify with intellectualizing instead of feeling, in therapy. I've done that for years--until I started seeing my current T. She doesn't want to know what I'm thinking, but what I'm FEELING, and she also focuses on where in my body I feel something. She wants me to feel my feelings right there with her!!! Even writing that is triggering. It's what I did this week when we were making the card. I felt so exposed but it seems like that is what healing is all about. If we get used to feeling our feelings with our T, then it won't feel like being exposed.

I identify with the fear, Suratji and poetgirl!!! It's so scary to feel instead of intellectualize but it makes me feel more alive and more connected to my T too.

-Ditto Rainbow.

I don't think this sounds like a waste of time at all. I understand the strong desire for Ts to see us as the rest of the world sees us- as partners and parents and colleagues and friends. And I think that the insight you gave T into your real life can only be helpful, because the point of working on your problems is to benefit your real life