letter to T about her scaring me

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. If she doesn't like email than a snail mail won't be much better. She wants the info you give her to be currently written (within the past week or so) not a month old. Do you think you can just say "please read it, I'm to scared to read it to you".

You're doing it Granite...you're getting braver!!!

I understand that your t wants to encourage talking. If writing means that you resort to not talking then that means that a part of you is hiding behind the letters.

By bringing the letter in - you are taking a step forward, acknowledging and respecting t and showing a level of trust. Which is all good.

You know, if she asks you to read - maybe try to explain why this is so hard for you?

The first steps are always hard. Therapy is there to help us walk again until we can walk by ourselves.

You are doing great work!! Let me know how it goes. Thinking about you x

when my T made me read those e-mails i wasnt talking at all i was bearly even reading if you can understan.i think it was kind of useless.
i dont know why it scares me but it scares me to the point i cant even hardly open my mouth if i do nothing comes out.i think she will read it if i cant.she also told me she can handle what i have to say and that i can also.dont know about that we will see i havnt told her much of anything close to these feelings

anyone ever have these kinds of thoughts and responces in T.how did you and T deal

I have granite. There have been many, many times when I have wanted to speak and opened my mouth to do so and nothing would come out. There have been times when I have had an inner struggle- part of me aching to say things and another part silencing me. It's been very frustrating. T sees it and she sits patiently and waits. Sometimes she'll ask questions, sometimes she'll allow me to change the subject only to have her approach it again later in the session in a different way. There have been many times when I've stopped dead cold in the middle of a conversation and said I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's weird. It's like I have no control over what is allowed to come out of my mouth.

My struggle with this is a tough one, but I'm coming along- just like you are. This is the first time I've ever been in therapy. It's taken me well over a year to say anything of any substance (at least that what I think she thinks!). It took until just recently for the words "I'm scared" to slip through my lips. How silly is that? 2 little words, but I could not say them because of the actual fear I experience when I think them.

My T is patient. Very, very patient. And she has been exceptional in allowing me to contact her when I am desperate and feel like I have no place to turn. In the beginning, when I first started seeing her, I would call just because I was so weary. She knew that and we'd have talks about vacations or kids- things that didn't really pertain to my condition, but things that allowed me to build a relationship with her. She has been consistent with being available for me. She's allowed me to build this relationship on my terms, and has, for the most part, waited for me to approach sensitive subjects on my own. Her patience and compassion and diligence is beginning to pay off. Like you, my past few visits have begun to produce more in-depth conversation. While I still have a hard time saying many things, I can say more than I could say before. It just took time, and patience and both of us working together to convince me that she was ok. It took until I learned that she was someone I could rely on and trust.

I'm so grateful for my T. She really has been my saving grace.

Just keep pluggin away at it granite. It will happen for you. It IS happening for you! Enjoy the process and try to keep in the forefront of your mind the kindnesses extended to you by your T. They are good motivators in helping us reach our goal.

YES, totally. Sometimes, it is impossible for me to open my mouth and say what I need to say, even now. It's an excruciating feeling...the words are there in my head, but I can't share them with T, and it feels awful.

Honestly, "talking about talking about it" helps, at least a little. I asked T once if he was ever in therapy and just couldn't say the words he needed to say, and he said yes, for sure. And I asked how he got himself to say them, and he said that he imagined himself standing at the edge of a big cliff, knowing that if he jumped, he would be safe (because T would catch him), but being terrified to take that step. He said that he would finally just make himself take a big breath and jump, and that he always, always found some relief in it...maybe not in that moment, but eventually.

So, I try HARD to remember that if I jump, T will catch me.

And as for reactions like feeling terrified of T, I have definitely had that as well. Sometimes it's SO hard to separate the past from the present, and all of that old fear gets activated and it feels SO real. That's a lot of what happened with me and T earlier this week. He screwed up, my deep deep fear got activated and things spiraled from there. That's happened many times during my therapy. For me, the only way to "fix" it is to keep showing up and talking about it, even though it feels like a huge risk, so T has a chance to show me that THIS TIME, it's different. It's not like my childhood. It's now, and I'm safe.

I like your letter, Granite.

I understand. It scares you to the point you freeze and cannot say a word. It sounds like rabbit in the headlight situation - when we feel we are under severe threat - we either flight the situation or freeze. Its a survival response. Maybe worth thinking what you are scared of? what do you think might happen if you read it?

((((( granite )))))

Sorry I haven't been around much to support you lately. Do know that I care.

This doesn't make any sense..........

Yes, granite, it is so great that you have been able to talk for the last 3 sessions!

When I am talking about being triggered, it is different then projection. Projection is you putting your feelings on T. Being triggered is you actually feeling exactly like you were when you were a child - exactly, so you believe that what was going on back then is actually happening in the current moment.

So what I was saying is that when you were sitting in the office with T, you were remembering another very fearful time back when you were a child and that experience from the past took over and you actually felt like it was happenening in the present?

i tried reading some about what projection is and all i hear a lot about transferance here but i still dont understand or seem to be able to grasp this concept at all.i know how i felt i was totally terrified and that was just so real not past it was thare and then.if my T could have just seen the way i saw her.how she was acting.i dont know it just seems real to me.

Yes, being triggered does feel so real. Did you feel the same way with T that you did with the mother in the past?

reading the letter i wrote and kind of panicing about it.think i am going to be to scared togive it to her.so many things could go wrong with this.just dont think i am ready to give her so much of what is going on in my head.

Go to therapy, take the letter and just see what happens and what you feel like doing when you get there?

I worked with a T for 3 years who got nothing more than shrugged shoulders and "I don't know" out of me. It was very hard and frustrating for her (We are actually friends now). I got WAY more out of that than I did with 3 Ts and 6 years of talking. It is just hard for T because they can't see how they are helping. BUT you still need to work on being able to talk... there was still PLENTY for me to work on with current T who I have to talk to.
I can't remember, can you talk about things with her that are not related to you or is it any time you are in the room?
BTW, I have been known to carry letters to my T for months before getting the courage to give them to her.
Healing happens in its own time. Push yourself to work as hard as you can then be gentle with yourself about how far you got.

sometimes i have trouble just talking.in T esp ,but also at work,with strangers and some family.i just cant seem to get the words out i guess i just get scared and all messed up someday i will just be able to talk everyones ears off and then they will pay me to shut up.lol

Then maybe the cart is before the horse here. Maybe just talking about the weather is a challenge enough. When I am teaching I try really hard to introduce only 1 new thing a a time. Learning 2 new things at the same time (that are connected to each other like this) is very hard.
I still spend more time talking to T about unemotional stuff than I do close stuff just so that I don't get all anxious about going. We usually spend at least the first 15 minutes and last 5 minutes talking about cats or horses.

LOL my T was talking to me about just introducing one thing at a time last week LOL.maybe something to it.

Phew! was worried I might be going against her.