When I leave a session, I either have an elated feeling or horrible feeling. There just seems to be no inbetween. Many times I leave and tell myself that I am never coming back. Therapy is a crock and I am not going to waste any more time or money on it!

What comes to mind is the fight or flight response. I either fight through that emotion or I give in and feel defeated. I think this is how I interact with others. When I get in an uncomfortable situation with someone, I will avoid them like the plague! I won't address that issue if I can keep from it. If they come to me, I will talk, but I don't make the first move to make any kind of reconciliation. This would mimic the flight response: run, get away, save yourself!

Other times I am so angry at the person I could smash their face in! Of course I don't, or I would have been in jail a long time ago. This part would be the fight response. I think that I am not about to let someone do this to me. I didn't deserve that and I am going to give them a piece of my mind (what little I have left). I think the fight is also with my emotions. I am not going to allow this incident to defeat me! I am going to fight through those feelings and get to the other side. I will fight alone, but I will fight.

When thinking of my therapist and worrying a bit about a rupture, I wonder if my fight response may cause that to happen? Maybe that is why I cannot show anger in therapy? Maybe those are the sessions when I shut down because anger is wanting a voice, but I am afraid to let her talk. I am afraid that she may say something horrible and offend my therapist and cause her to have hard feelings against me.

My assignment for next week is: Why do I fear allowing anger to show in therapy or in other situations. What holds me back from getting to the core of my anger issues? Why do I feel that anger is bad? How could I benefit from showing anger?

Worrying about causing a rupture is part of that fear! I also am just not comfortable showing anger. I fear that I may lose control. This may sound strange, but I actually do want to lose control in therapy. Not going to hurt my therapist or tear up her office, but I desperately want anger to come to therapy with me.

I really want to bring her to session next time and let her talk. What can I do to make her feel welcome? How can I trigger that and still keep myself from losing it? I want a melt down next time. I need that. Crazy? Yes it sounds crazy, but I need that release!

It will be one or the other: Shut Down or Melt Down. Shut Down shows up too often. Melt Down is tired of losing this battle! She wants to get out and let her needs be met. Let the battle begin!

[JustWannaDisappear]

no advice, just letting you know I feel the same way. I have anger issues but surprisingly never let it out in therapy. My first therapist didn't believe I had a bad temper and wanted to know how she could piss me off, which I thought was odd.

[SpiritRunner]

That sounds like a good, thought-provoking (or emotion-provoking!) assignment, squiggle! I think you've got a good start on it.....
I understand the shut down vs melt down too - it's just such a habit for me to shut down the huge emotion, so I can handle it, control it. The thing for me is that I am so controlled I don't know how exactly to melt down, at least where people can see it! Now, I have had a few huge temper tantrums, really blowing angry fire out.....but not with anyone to see or to judge, because I am afraid of anyone seeing how fiery my temper really is. So I have worked hard for years to appear very, calm, cool, controlled.....and I do. Even in therapy, I do. Even when I am talking about my pain, I do. Even when I am feeling tremendous, terrible, heart-squeezing, breath-stealing pain, I do. And I want to let go....like you, I want to lose control. But before I can do that, I have to let go of the tight grip I have on it.....if you get some insight on how to do that, I'd love to hear it!

In my last session I talked about how hurt I am with my husband's addiction to pornography. I had my typed journal pages with me and read them to her. I fully expected to have a melt down, but it just did not happen. I was disappointed.

I sent my therapist an email last night and expressed to her that I could not understand how I could read that, and not break down and show any kind of emotions at all. I was totally disconnected with my emotions.

I wonder if I have become so used to his addiction that I am numb to it. Or maybe I cannot take the pain of it anymore? Maybe I am blocking it out. I know that I am angry, disgusted, and feel like less than a woman because of his addiction. She wants me to continue working through this, but I don't want to talk about it anymore!!

She says, "That is the reason we need to keep pushing forward with this. You have not resolved your feelings about it. You are continuing to deny them and push them down. You cannot ignore this anymore. This is a huge part of your life. We need to get you to a place where you can deal with this in a healthy way."

When she responded to me and told me that, it was a major trigger! Anger came and joined me once again. I wanted to break things. I felt like taking dishes out in the garage and smashing them on the floor. I don't know why breaking glass feels like a good release for me, but it does.

I have also thought about looking into a shooting range. I think shooting a gun would let off alot of my anger and rage.

[sugahorse1]

(((Squiggle))) - wow, you have just touched on something I can really relate to, but have never thought about.
Great topic for next T session. I tend to be a very volatile person - either run away from a situation, or get ridiculously angry - often not directed at the person that I need to confront.
I hate confrontation

[sittingatwatersedge]

Squiggle, about bringing your anger out in the room, you might ask your T to guide you through an empty chair exercise? It is very emotion-provoking.

There is such pain in what you write but you are doing great work. thank you for telling about it.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

My assignment for next week is: Why do I fear allowing anger to show in therapy or in other situations. What holds me back from getting to the core of my anger issues? Why do I feel that anger is bad? How could I benefit from showing anger?

"Showing" anger can be dangerous to you. Part of you correctly recognizes that. It is just how you show it. If you can put it into words (which is what therapy is for), that is a way to show it, that should be safe(r). Maybe we think in words, so that if you can put it into words, you can think it too. If you can think it, it will not be so dangerous. If you cannot admit it even to thought, it will become all the more powerful. That is where the eventual danger is, in not being able to think it, because then it will get more powerful and can burst out in ways which are dangerous (to you).

If you can think your anger, put it into words, even just inside yourself, then you have more choice in how you express it outside, rather than having it control you.

[Sannah]

I know you will work through this Squiggle.

[sunrise]

Squiggle, does expressing anger have to be a meltdown? I am not good at expressing anger, either meltdown or otherwise. My T knows ways to express anger without drama, without acting out, without raging. This is an ability I admire and want to learn. I think maybe I am so scared of expressing anger because I think of the angry people in my past who didn't know how to express anger constructively. I need new models. Squiggle, have you and your T ever talked about ways to express anger? Like, if you are angry at a person, how do you tell them that?

Originally Posted by sunrise

Squiggle, does expressing anger have to be a meltdown?

Squiggle, have you and your T ever talked about ways to express anger? Like, if you are angry at a person, how do you tell them that?

I guess it does not have to be a melt down, but that is what I want to happen. I want to fall apart, cry, and just let it all go. I did this a couple of times in therapy. It was not expressing anger, but just showing the reality of the pain I was in. It was terrible to go through, but it was a tremendous relief!!

We have talked about anger when I was having SI thoughts. She gave me a list of do's and don'ts when I got angry at home. She has talked a bit about what is not acceptable to do in therapy. Like attack her or tear up her office. Of course, I wouldn't do that!!

I am not sure I could do the empty chair thing. She has talked about that before, but I am not about to bring it to her attention! I don't think I would like that at all.

I do think that she is wanting me to express my anger to her. Since I cannot express it to people, she feels like this would be a first step for me to do in a controlled setting. I am not angry at her, so I don't know how that would work. I have a few days to work this out before my next session.

**************************************

I really don't want to go to session on Monday. I am not upset about anything, but I just don't feel like I have anything to talk about. I have that blah feeling. Yes, I do have an assignment, but I don't want to do it. I am just not feeling it all. The words don't come. The emotions don't come. I feel like I would be wasting my money if I go.

Have any of you ever cancelled an appointment for reasons such as these? I wonder if I am coming to the end of therapy? Have I gotten to a point that I don't need it? I am so confused by all this therapy stuff!

I have been in therapy for a year, but only had my first breakthrough in December. So, it kinda feels like I just started. Then again, I wonder if I have come to the end of the road? How will I know when I am finished?

At the moment, I have no desire to go back. Normally I am a nervous wreck waiting for the day to come. I can't wait to get there! Right now I don't really care if I go or not. That is not like me, so maybe I am at a point where I can leave? Or maybe this is just a normal phase to go through?

[Sweetlove]

Squiggle, I went through that a few months ago. Something about a session kinda weirded me out..something he said. I got this uncomfortable feeling when I left and thought it would go away. But, 4 days later I still felt horrible. I called and cancelled for that week When I went the next week, we talked about why I cancelled and he was happy I told him...I felt a lot better. Sometimes it's ok to take a little break from the long, hard, painful work.

You have 2 choices...
1. You can take the week off and not feel guilty about it..do some soul searching and take a deep breath.

2. You can go to the session, and discuss why you didn't want to go back. You won't get anything done if you go expecting to work on other stuff.

Either way is very normal, and completely and utterly for YOU. However, I don't think you are finished, and I don't think your T will either.

There have definitely been times when I have felt really shut down and haven't wanted to go to therapy AT ALL...and times when I've wondered if I was "done".

But I always end up going. Sometimes I think when we least WANT to go is when we most NEED to go. And for me, keeping up the relationship with T is super critical in my journey. So. I show up, week in and week out, even when I don't want to.

Could you go and tell T how you're feeling? That you feel shut down, that maybe you feel "done"? Maybe talking to T will help you get to the feelings underneath what you're feeling.

Email I sent to my therapist on Wednesday:

I am worrying myself to death that I have offended you. Reading back through my notes from Monday, there were some things that I wish I hadn't put in there. Sometimes trying to be so honest with my feelings ends up causing me a lot of grief.

This is one of those times when I wish I would have kept my thoughts/feelings/emotions to myself. It hinders me from working on anything. Fear that I may say something to upset you. When I start digging into anger, that is one of my greatest fears. I feel sorry for the person who is going to have to listen (witness) that. So, I hold back on what I really want to say or express. This only makes the misery (anger) ongoing and never resolved or brought into a manageable state.

I kinda wish you would give me something else to work on. I am not sure that I am ready to work on anger. Maybe this is part of my control issue? Fear that I may lose control if I allow anger to show up? Worrying how you will respond? Afraid that if I bring it to the surface, I may not be able to shut it back down?

Email I am waiting to send if I get enough courage to send it:

I didn't ask for a response in the last email, but when you get time I would like to know you got it, and hear your response. Right now I am debating what to do about Monday. I don't have anything at all to say. Totally blank. Not sure if that is a good sign or not.

Maybe I can handle things on own? Maybe I am shutting down? Maybe I am finding every excuse in the book not to work on anger? Maybe I am convincing myself that I have anger issues and in reality I don't? Maybe I feel like you are tired of me and sick to death of discussing the same things over and over again?

I realize that this is only Thursday and I have several days before we meet. I just don't want to come and sit there like a stump! I can't afford to do that in therapy. I have to do something when we meet to make me feel that it is worth the time and money that I am putting into it.

Maybe I need to skip a session? Maybe I will freak out if I do that and realize I made a mistake? Maybe I am jumping the gun and by the weekend I will have a dozen pages of journal notes to bring into therapy on Monday?

Do I need to chill out and relax? Am I working too hard on these assignments? Is it that I feel like a failure when I cannot do an assignment you have given me? What is wrong with me that I cannot act like a normal person? Why do I still not feel totally comfortable accepting that I need therapy? Do I need therapy? Am I dragging this out just to have a connection with someone?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wonder if therapy makes you think up things that aren't really there. You hear in court cases about psychologists 'brain washing' clients and making them think things happened, that in reality never did.

Of course, I don't think that this is the case. She only goes with the information I give her. But why am I so wishy-washy! My thinking process is screwed up!

I feel like I am talking to myself. Is anybody out there?

My therapist did respond to the email that I actually sent. Of course she said that she is not offended or upset with me. She basically told me that I was doing a good job with my assignments, but that I need to try to bring emotion to my words when we talk.

Laduh! I know I do. I want to get emotional in therapy! She said that fear of what I may do and fear of being overwhelmed by the emotion holds me back. Doesn't it hold most of us back? We want to 'feel' things in therapy, but those 'feelings' don't come!! They come when I am in the whirlpool tub when no one can hear me crying myself silly! They come late at night when I am trying to sleep. Yes, they are screaming in the dark.

I am totally numbed out right now. I don't have any feeling at all about therapy. Don't care one way or the other if I ever go back. Why is that? I cannot figure this out! For some reason, I am almost aggravated at my therapist. I have no idea why.

I know some of you may say to go the session on Monday and talk about these feelings. I think that would be a waste of time and money. Then again, I am in no frame of mind to make any decisions right now. My emotions are totally gone!

[SpiritRunner]

I'm here, squiggle.....but I'm feeling rather empty, too, and numb.....so the best I have for you here is to just let it be and not make any decisions about going/not going right now! And maybe sometimes, trying too hard to make the emotions come is sort of counterproductive to making them come.....I think I am experiencing this right now, so I sort of feel like not even worrying about if I will ever cry in therapy, or otherwise at all! A meltdown will probably come when you aren't expecting it or trying to make it come....

Silence was probably what I needed. Instead of leaning on my PC friends so much, I had to pull out my emotions on my own. That can be a good thing. Sometimes I want someone else to figure out my problem and solve it for me. I don't have the confidence to believe that I can figure things out on my own. Silence is golden. I have seen that in the past couple of days.

If you have been reading this thread, you know that I am struggling with anger. I could not figure out why I can't show that in therapy. Why I keep avoiding it. The revelation came to me in my whirlpool bath (i.e. my cry tub). I am directing my anger toward other people. I am blaming others for the anger I have deep inside.

The reality is that I am angry with myself! My therapist has been telling me for months that I need to forgive myself. I keep saying, "Forgive myself for what?" I was really getting ticked off at her for bringing that up every other session! I did not understand what she meant by that.

Well, I get it! My anger is because of me and the choices I have made in my life. Choices that have brought me a lot of pain and grief. Choices that I wish I could go back and do over. I am angry with myself for making such stupid, irrational decisions that dictate my life each and every day!

I am realizing and accepting that I have the power to rise above this. I have the power to make the changes that need to be made. No matter what anyone else says, no matter how hard my lifestyle is, I have the power to make things better. WOW! That was a huge revelation for me tonight. I am the one holding me back. I am the one who chooses to stay in this state of unhappiness.

I am the one who has to change. I cannot wait on people around me to change. I cannot control what others do, but I can control what I do. I want to get out of this hole that I have dug for myself. I stay in here because I fear that if I come out, someone will knock me back down and I will be right back in that hole again. So, why bother even coming out?

Because I have the power to stand up against anything that comes against me, that's why!! I just have to believe in myself and when things overwhelm me, instead of retreating, I have to stand up for myself and say, "No, I am not accepting that for my life. I am better than that. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be successful. I deserve to be treated fairly by others. I deserve to be here and to be loved unconditionally!"

I try to blame my spouse and things he has done to hurt me, but in reality, I am not angry with him. I am upset with some things he has done (does), but ultimately I am angry at myself for what I have and haven't done. I don't like myself at all. This is another thing my therapist keeps bringing up that makes me ill at her!

She makes me ill about a lot of things she says, but most of them have come to fruition! I guess when she sits with me week after week and listens to me, and takes in my body language (that speaks a lot about a person), she picks up on things that I think I am hiding. Some things I did not even know I was hiding because I refused to look at them. I refused to allow them to surface. I buried them long ago. The funeral was over and I did not think I would ever see them again.

Well, that doesn't work! In therapy, everything we buried comes out. It is all laid out on the table. ALL OF IT! That is the only way that we can truly heal. Healing is a good thing. That is goal. I want to leave the old Squiggle behind, and allow the new Squiggle to be seen!!

Revelations. They are miracles of the mind! Melt downs in the tub can be very therapeutic!

Sometimes I don't think I have a clue what I am talking about. My emotions are so screwed up! Maybe I need to shut up for awhile and stop posting.

At times my posts make me sound like some unstable lunatic who needs to go back in her cage!!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Sometimes I don't think I have a clue what I am talking about. My emotions are so screwed up! Maybe I need to shut up for awhile and stop posting.

At times my posts make me sound like some unstable lunatic who needs to go back in her cage!!

no, don't stop posting! you're human, you're dealing with human emotions, which tend often toward being screwed up....
( although, if you don't mind my sense of humor going all weird here, sometimes I feel like I need to go back in my cage too, so maybe we just need adjoining cages, so we can keep each other company! )

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I try to blame my spouse and things he has done to hurt me, but in reality, I am not angry with him. I am upset with some things he has done (does), but ultimately I am angry at myself for what I have and haven't done. I don't like myself at all. This is another thing my therapist keeps bringing up that makes me ill at her!

THIS, all of this post, is such a huge realization, squiggle. You don't sound like an unstable lunatic AT ALL. There is a lot of wisdom and self-awareness and determination and potential for healing here.

You are doing really good work

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

(although, if you don't mind my sense of humor going all weird here, sometimes I feel like I need to go back in my cage too, so maybe we just need adjoining cages, so we can keep each other company! )

Are you saying that "Birds of a feather flock together?" If you are adjoining my cage, then you must be a cuckoo bird like me!!

When I grow up, I am going to be an EAGLE!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Are you saying that "Birds of a feather flock together?" If you are adjoining my cage, then you must be a cuckoo bird like me!!

When I grow up, I am going to be an EAGLE!

heehee.....I've always admired eagles! they fly high and have such keen vision.....

[Sannah]

Wow Squiggle, what great revealations that you had!!!!!!

My therapist emailed me this morning to address my concerns about not going into therapy today. While she said that sometimes a client who is in a very intense period in therapy may need a week off, she also addressed whether or not I was experiencing avoidance. Was the reason I didn't want to come because I did not want to address the issues at hand? Was I pushing those emotions back down again? Was I trying to deny that they were there?

I agreed that I was totally trying to avoid another uncomfortable session. So I sucked it up and went. I actually did finally write some things down to share with her. This time, I asked her to read them (lately, I have been reading). I wanted to sit back and think about what was being said, and not worry about me 'reading' it. I wanted to listen.

It was a hard session talking about things I do not want to talk about! I keep telling her to STOP bringing that up! Yes, I get mad at her. She knows I do, but seems not to be phased by it. She told me that I can say whatever I want or need to say to her. I can tell her to "Shut Up" if I want to! I can argue with her, and I can throw a fit in her office if I need to.

One of these days I am going to throw a fit! I guess I can see it coming and I think she does to. Strange, but I am kinda looking forward to that day. Yes, I want to throw a temper tantrum!!