[darkrunner]

I had therapy last night. I am so confused.

My T seemed much different than ususal - very business-like and cold. Instead of letting me start with a topic, she asked specific questions about my week. I was v. depressed this past week and spent a great deal of the weekend in bed with depression.

She asked me what coping skills I had used to, like thought journaling, opposite action, self-care, etc. I told her nothing.

She asked me if I told my pdoc this kind of stuff and I said yes when I see him, but I only see him every 8 weeks. She said it was obvious what we were doing wasn't working and that maybe I needed to be hospitalized and she mentioned ECT.

I was like

It was very upsetting, because it was coming off like she was saying I wasn't doing well enough, I was failing, she was giving up, and she wanted to get rid of me.

I started shutting down, and she knows me well enough to see that so she told me not to and to instead tell her what was on my mind.

So I said I was seeing all of this in the BIG PICTURE. And she didn't understand, what was the big picture? So I re-capped the last 3 appointments - the disclosures about SA and other things, then having the big argument last week abou her not responding to her email, and how she said she doesn't want to get too involved, she doesn't want me to become dependant on her, etc. And now she was pretending like none of that happened but is saying that I need a different kind of treatment!!!

Then it seemed like we were fighting and she started talking about how she would be doing a dis-service to her clients if she allowed them to become to dependant, blah blah blah.

I said that doesn't mean she can't be COMPASSIONATE and I felt like this was more about HER than it was about me.

So she asked me what I wanted and what I needed from her, because it was obvious my expectations were not met. I told her that I wanted what I wrote in that email she never responded to...which was reassurance and validation.

Then she started talking about why I care so much what she thinks and what everyone else thinks of me, and it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, blah blah blah.

And somehow she got back onto the 'choice' thing, about how I need to choose to put this behind me, and how much longer am I going to 'hang on to it' and I need to choose to grow from it and start living my life again. And she brought up the mothers who started M.A.D.D. and how they had a tragedy and used it to help people. I felt SO worthless, and selfish, and useless. YES!!! I know I am clinging to this and I could be doing better - if I was a different person - stronger person, a better person, anyone but me!! I have enough self-loathing for myself without having to feel like I'm not good enough because I am depressed. I don't think she meant for me to feel that way, but that's how I felt.

So I said (still crying like crazy) that I felt like my clock wasn't synched with everyone else's (sarcasm) because it's been 3 years since the SA and I didn't know it was simply "time" for me to get over it -- and I felt like that was what she was telling me to do, to get over it.

She asked me why I keep coming back there if it is obviously not helping me! I was sobbing and kind of yelled at her and asked her if she asked all of her clients that question? I think she thought I was kidding, because she laughed. She said something about me being free to find another T, and that all I had to do was pick up the phone book and there were lots of them out there, and maybe she isn't the right T for me. I told her I couldn't start over with a new T, and she said that she would even be willing to transfer the case and sit down with a new T and bring him/her up to speed. I was like

I'm not really sure what happened after that. I cried for a while and just really shut down. She let me sit in silence this time. I noticed that it was time to go and I didn't want to overstay my welcome. So I tried to pull myself together and stop crying. She asked me if I would be coming back. I said I was confused and I didn't understand the approach she was taking. She wanted me to talk about that, but I told her it was time to go.

I feel like she doesn't understand me, she is frustrated with me, she doesn't get why I can't do what she wants me to do.

But then, maybe she is just pushing me because I need to be pushed, and of course I'm not going to like it and it's not going to feel good.

Maybe this is because she is a CBT therapist.

Has anyone ever done trauma work with a T whose primary orientation is CBT? Is this normal? She's not a bad T, she's not a bad person, but I'm not sure if this is what this part of my therapy is supposed to be like?

Does anyone know of any good articles that might explain to my T what I am going through, and what kinds of things I need from her? I don't think I'm doing a good job explaining it, and I don't know if she doesn't understand, or if she doesn't care or doesn't agree. Or maybe she does understand and thinks she is handling this perfectly. I don't know. I am just really really confused and I am feeling very unhelped.

If anyone knows of a good article or site I can look at for info, I'd appreciate it. I don't have it in me right now to do a google search and wade through a bunch of articles.

I know this is super-long, so if anyone read the whole thing, you deserve a prize or something.

[darkrunner]

Ugh, now I wish I could change the thread title.

She wasn't that bad. I think she means well.

Why can't we edit titles?

[Can't Stop Crying]

So sorry darkrunner. My T is primarily CBT and having to switch to help me with the emotional aspect has had it's ups and downs. The best thing I did was print off a post from here saying I needed validation and now he is making an effort to not be so concrete. Your T sounds pretty harsh! There is no time frame on healing...it takes as long as it takes. I know it's scary, but maybe you would benefit more from a trauma based T.

[learning1]

I don't know enough about therapy or SA or especially therapy for depression to say this, but she doesn't sound very helpful to me. I just left a t who I think was a great person and definitely had their heart in the right place, but they just weren't helping me because they probably didn't have the training or orientation that work for me I think. It does sound to me like she was being uncompassionate. That doesn't mean she's a bad person, but maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with your issues? Well, I think there are other people on here who have more experience with therapy than me, so maybe other people will have some useful suggestions. Don't take me too seriously, but that's just what it sounded like to me. Sorry you're having a hard time dark runner.

I forgot to say before that I've left CBT therapists...Can't Stop Crying's description of them as very "concrete" seemed accurate to me.

[googley]

(((((((((((Darkrunner)))))))))

I'm tired right now, so can't respond to your post right now. But wanted to give you some hugs. I will come back and post more tomorrow probably. But wanted you to know that I care.

[lastyearisblank]

I don't have any experience with a CBT therapist for trauma. Of the two alternatives she mentioned to continuing with her-- hospitalization or continuing with another therapist-- both seem very drastic reactions to spending a weekend in bed with depression. Like you, reading this, I was not quite sure what was going on with that.

[ECHOES]

That sounds very demoralizing!

I haven't done trauma work with a CBT oriented therapist, but I have had CBT-oriented therapists, and this sounds about how they were.

If you think depth therapy might be more helpful, maybe consider finding a T with a different orientation?

I have a CBT therapist who has worked with me on trauma, and trust me, he is NOT like that at all. I'd be finding another t if I were you.

Oh, WOW, darkrunner. That sounds so difficult and invalidating. I'm sorry

I don't have ANY experience with CBT therapy...but it would be really hard for me if I felt like T was telling me to "get over it". And I feel confused by her refusal to provide any reassurance...telling our story is so difficult, and makes us feel so vulnerable. I know that for me, if I was able to reassure myself around all of the abuse stuff, I probably wouldn't need to be in therapy. All of that might be absolutely the norm for CBT, so maybe your therapist is doing just what she's "supposed" to do...but that doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you if it doesn't work for you. There are lots of different types of therapy/therapists for a reason...different people need different things.

If your T can't/won't give you what you need, maybe it IS time to try someone new. From what you've said, no matter how many articles you find, no matter how much you tell her what you're going through and what you need, she believes in what she's doing and isn't going to waver. You are doing SUCH a good job finding your voice, telling your story, asking for what you need. That is huge, huge, huge. You can take that strength and use it to find someone who CAN give you what you need. It's not "starting over", because you've already done so much work. You've learned to speak up for yourself, you've learned you can tell your story and survive, you've learned what type of therapist would be most helpful to you. Maybe those are the lessons you needed to learn with this T, and it's time to move on.

I know tonight must be hard. Know that I'm thinking about you, and sending you love and peace.

I think you mentioned in another post you've been losing weight? Do you think she's really scared for you and trying to scare you into getting help? It doesn't seem therapeutic to me, but maybe she feels kind of desperate? I don't know.

I hope you can work this out and I'm sorry you're hurting.

[caaraa]

thanks guys

[SpiritRunner]

((((((darkrunnner)))))))
oh wow, that doesn't sound compassionate....I think you're right, she means well and maybe is pushing you and that hurts of course, BUT she still could really be more compassionate and more validating of your legitimate needs. That is more about her than you, not about you worrying about what people think of you.....you have the right to compassion, that's not asking too much....Maybe she is feeling guilty or defensive because she wishes, feels, thinks, that she should have more compassion than she is......
My T is primarily CBT, and is VERY compassionate and very experienced in dealing with SA. The stuff I have told her about, when I have told her about it, she is so compassionate, so caring, she understand my need for that and validates it.....you need that, too!

[sunrise]

Darkrunner, I got this feeling while reading yoiur post that your T was determined to pass you off to someone else and end therapy with you no matter what you said. She started off the session and seemed different to you--cold and businesslike and not letting you choose the topic. From the outset it seemed like she had an agenda, probably something she had planned.

It sounds to me like she has reached the end of her skill set. She has shown you her best and doesn't believe she has helped you, so she is suggesting you see someone else or try a different technique--ECT.

I think it is unfortunate to spend 3 years with a T and then learn they can't help you, but it does sound like that is what she is telling you. (Maybe I misinterpreted--how many years have you been with this T?)

My first therapist turned out to not be able to help me go as far as I needed. She was fine at first in the early going and did help me with some things. But then we stalled and I realized that she had no more ideas up her sleeve and nothing was going to change in our work so it was time for me to leave (after 9 months). The next T I found (my current one) has more talent an a bigger skill set and has been able to help me tremendously. I feel no shame for having terminated with the first one. She couldn't help me so I left. It seems to me like your current T can't help you anymore. She doesn't have the skills or personality or depth (or something!) to take you further. So why should you stay?

I think she is trying to tell you that, but in a very clumsy and even hurtful way.

If you are stuck on trauma, darkrunner, I think working with a trauma specialist might be the way to go. Your current T doesn't sound like she understands some of the basics about trauma, e.g. why a person would need validation. Gaps in her knowledge like this will hurt not help your quest to heal.

[darkrunner]

Thank you all so much for all your replies.
I am running late for work because my alarm didn't go off so I can't write more, but I will come back later.

I appreciate everyone's opinion although I am kind of surprised.
I want it to ME that is the cause of this because then I can try to fix it.

The thing is, she has always been so reassuring and validating in the past, but then after I tell her all the details of what happened, she isn't anymore. I don't understand???? Maybe I freaked her out, or after hearing the details she thinks I am a baby and I should just get over it.
I don't know. I am just so confused and upset and I don't know what the right answer is.

Will write more later.....
Oh, and Caaraa, your post really freaks me out....
you are not my T, are you?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

.
I appreciate everyone's opinion although I am kind of surprised.
I want it to ME that is the cause of this because then I can try to fix it.

The thing is, she has always been so reassuring and validating in the past, but then after I tell her all the details of what happened, she isn't anymore. I don't understand???? Maybe I freaked her out, or after hearing the details she thinks I am a baby and I should just get over it.

I seriously don't think it's you. You are fragile, fragmented, NOT a big baby. You are still hurting and need more than what this T has for you. I think asking for another (calmer) conversation with your T would be wise. Maybe make a bulleted list of what you feel, and what she says that make you feel. It is true that after 3 years you might have come to the "end" of this T's helpfulness. Sometimes we need new stuff. But given what she's said, I would tell a new T my own stuff instead of having her tell them.
For now, find a comfy spot, cry, find someone who loves you to hug, and let it all go. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

[googley]

((((((((((((DarkRunner)))))))))))

I agree with the others. It seems like this T may not be trained in how to treat trauma. However, I do think before you decide what to do you should go back and have one more conversation with her. Make sure that you are interpreting what you are hearing correctly, that she thinks maybe another T would be best for you. Ts are not allowed to tell us we should continue working with them, it is up to the client to decide. That is part of the rights of being the client. I know when I have worked on trauma in the past I have after that tried to push my T away, and know that is not an uncommon occurrence. It seems, if I remember right, that this seems to be your T's MO. That she offers out these extreme examples of types of treatment (hospitalization, threatening to terminate) if she is scared for you and you are not taking the path that she thinks is appropriate. Could this be another of those times? And if so, can you ask her what she thinks is the right thing to do at this point?

((((((((HUGS))))))))

[Sannah]

It seems that this T is unable to go deep and you deserve so much better!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Darkrunner.... first of all for your pain

I sent you a PM, hope that's OK.
SAWE

[WePow]

My T is CBT and a trauma specialist. He also is a survivor. He would NEVER act the way your T acted. You deserve healing. I am very sorry that your T is acting in this way. It sounds unfair and hurtful. BIG hugs to you!!

[nannypat]

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

[brittfly]

i am sorry u went through that... i don't know how ect is any way like finding another therapist.... she might have been going through somthing herself but geeez... that sounded really horrible especially cuz u like her and stuff.... that would be wicked hard if that came at me. I hope u can talk about it and it is benificial or find another t!!

[darkrunner]

((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))

I just sat here and slowly read each one of your posts. They really help.
I feel so supported and you've all given me a lot to think about.
I wanted to respond to everyone but I am so sad and tired.

I've been seeing my T for 2 years. At first we did a lot of CBT stuff, she was basically teaching me the skills and concepts. It doesn't take up much of our sessions anymore, but she always points out my distorted thinking, which is actually quite helpful.

Something I realized today - sometimes when I say stuff like I'm afraid she's getting tired of me, or giving up on me, she'll say I am 'mind-reading' but then when I ask for reassurance or validation, she says I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks of me!!! That doesn't seem fair.

I've decided to really work hard to think through what I want to say to her, and write it all down. I will talk to her about it and she how she responds and how it feels. Depending on how that goes, I will decide what to do from there.
Thanks again everyone.

Oh my gosh that sounds SO upsetting. I am really sorry. You don't happen to live in the Dallas area do you? Your T sounds SO much like my old one.
It soulds like she was really invalidating. PLEASE don't be thinking that you did anything wrong. You didn't. You needed to be heard and validated and to feel your feelings, and she went with an entirely different agenda. Things like that don't work.
Is getting a different T an option? I really hope she is nicer and more compassionate next time.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

but then when I ask for reassurance or validation, she says I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks of me!!! That doesn't seem fair.

That's ridiculous! Humans are interdependent, not islands. I probably didn't need to tell you that, but that kind of attitude your t was showing kind of frustrates me. So many people believe that but it's not healthy! Well, you might have been paraphrasing what your t says; hopefully she's not that blatant. Anyway, sorry things are so difficult for you dr

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

The thing is, she has always been so reassuring and validating in the past, but then after I tell her all the details of what happened, she isn't anymore. I don't understand???? Maybe I freaked her out, or after hearing the details she thinks I am a baby and I should just get over it.
I don't know. I am just so confused and upset and I don't know what the right answer is.

Darkrunner, you express a lot of uncertainty and confusion about what your T means by her words and actions. Before you make any decisions, like whether to end therapy, I think it is really important that you talk directly with her about these areas of uncertainty. Sometimes we can perceive things incorrectly despite our best efforts at understanding, so it is so important to just ask her these things straight out without making assumptions. Then when you are certain of what is going on, you can make an informed decision. At the very least, understanding everything better will help you get closure if you do decide not to continue with her.