50 Minutes is Not Enough

Good idea Suratji!

I've been in therapy now for 13 months and 50 minutes IS NEVER ENOUGH. I try to work on homework and using good coping skills but we do a lot of back and forth phone calls. I feel like she really takes that extra step with me, because sometimes the calls are lengthy, but those are usually after a session that has drained me, upset me, or I feel really frustrated about something. I wish I had the 2x a week option.

I have never experienced the 50 minute Therapeutic Hour. The first time I saw my therapist we went about an hour and 15 minutes. When I got ready to write out my check I asked, "How much do I owe you? I know we went over today."

Her response was, "I charge the same. It's for the session not necessarily the time." Since then was have almost always gone about 90 minutes. I never thought about it until she told me a couple of times, "We need to end on time today." Meaning in an hour. Because she had a personal appointment she had to take care of.

This upset me both times that she did this. She knows it does. It's not so much the time lost, as it is that I am thinking she is in a hurry to get somewhere else and may not be as attentive to me in that session. She knows now to text or email me ahead of time instead of telling me when I walk into the session.

After those two sessions, she noticed me constantly looking at my watch. I was paranoid about the time! I was thinking, "Hurry up! You need to start getting out of here on time!" She would tell me, "Stop worrying about the time!" And say, "We are going to have our normal session today. You have plenty of time." I take this that she is meaning I come in at 3:00 and we end at 4:30.

I wish it did not cause me such anxiety but it does. I feel like she doesn't want to be with me. She wants get rid of me so that she can go do something else. I know that is silly, but that is how it makes me feel. I am so used to being in session for 90 minutes that I could not imagine cutting that back to 50 minutes.

It takes me 15 minutes just to warm up and really start talking about the issues. The first part of our session is small talk about my week or I ask her about her week. (Yes, she does share with me when I ask her to). She calls this my way of calming down the anxiety so that I can talk about the hard things. After I do this, I normally get quiet. She waits and then says, "Are you ready?"

Then we get going really strong for about 45 -50 minutes. After that, I need about 15 minutes or so to wind back down. She recaps our session and gives me a homework assignment. This takes at least an hour and 15 minutes.

I have wanted to ask her if she goes that long with her other clients. But I am afraid if she tells me she doesn't, I will feel guilty and that will hinder me in our sessions. I guess I should embrace this and not worry so much about what 'might' happen later on. If she told me that we were going to have to start stopping on time every session, that would crush me! I would feel rejected for sure. I would feel like I have done something wrong, she is mad at me, or worse yet......she is tired of me and wants to get rid of me!

This would hinder me greatly. I would probably never be able to break down and cry because I would think it was wasting valuable time with her. I can cry at home, but I cannot talk to her at home!

Count your blessings, Squiggle. You're very lucky having the T you do. It's so obvious she cares a lot about you.

I watch the clock on the wall carefully so I can pace myself. I decide moment by moment how much time to give to something. It's a constantly self-editing activity as I try to determine which of the millions of thoughts/feelings coursing through me I should talk about.

One time, she encouraged me to finish up a story. I said, "But we've run out of time." She replied, "It's my decision so it's o.k." I still tried to hurry up because I knew I was going over.

I'm very conscious of the time and I make sure I'm out of the office exactly on time. The couple of times in which I knew I didn't want to pay attention to the time passing is when I scheduled a double session of 100 minutes.

I plan on telling T next week that if I get into some heavy emotional stuff I don't want to watch the clock and I will ask her to have me stop 15 minutes before end of session so I can have time to transition out of her office.