[lostmyway21]

I'm in a mixed mood. That means I'm feeling both sides of my bipolar at once. I'm doing horribly. I've taken it out on you all day. I yelled at you when you played therapy symantics with me. I'm a crap client. I slept an extra seven hours today. BUT every time I woke up I targeting all my distress onto you. You told me you had oral surgery today, and I still harassed you. I'm a loser and a failure. I'm probably going to be the worst client all weekend. That's my trend when I feel this bad. I'm going to push our boundaries to the limit. I doubt you still care. I even told you that. You said it wasn't reality. I think your lying. I think your over me, and my ups and downs. I think you just don't have the gutts to say it. Go ahead T...say it. Be like the rest of them. I'll never make it through this...never. I told you I needed you to be extra supportive and I'm most unpredictable in this state, but you haven't listened. Fine..

[WikidPissah]

oh lost. It really isn't truly T's fault that you feel so badly. He has done so many things to prove that he cares. Don't spend the weekend trying to prove how bad a client you are...because it isn't going to help you one bit. Try to focus on something positive, use the skills you've learned...play with chaos. Sleep as much as you need to, but eat right and get outside a bit too.

I'll be here all weekend, write as much as you need to, ok?

[lostmyway21]

Dear T,

I can only imagine your reaction to the text I sent you a few minutes ago.
"I f$%^&@g hate you!" is a bit out of character. good luck figuring that out.

[WikidPissah]

(((lost))) Sorry it hurts so badly.

[BashfulBear]

Has anything happened/has he said anything to really provoke that last text, Lost, or is it just because you're feeling rough at the moment?!

I'm sure he'll understand either way - he seems like a really great T from what I've read! In fact, I'm a little jealous actually.. I need to get me a T like yours!

[lostmyway21]

i swear he fell off the face of the planet. ive sent him a lot of emails asking him for help and he hasnt said anythinggggg. i hope hes not testing me. its a combo of me feeling rough and my mind screwing with me, making him into a horrible person. even though he really is an amazing T.

[WikidPissah]

he's there, don't worry. Hang in there lost.

[lostmyway21]

then why would he ignore me when im telling him im in crisis all day and need to talk to him

Lost, get out of the house. Go out to eat with a friend. Heck, go out to eat alone. Go to a movie. Go to two movies. Go feed the ducks at a pond somewhere. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. Stewing in your own juices at home will not help this mixed episode. It will only build. Have you called your pdoc because the doctor is really the person who can help you with this mixed mood? Mixed moods are awful; absolutely the worst. I completely get that. Unfortunately, my T was honestly never able to be of much help in the midst of a mixed episode because I was so completely bonkers at the time that getting me to actually process was useless. He knew that, and generally told me to go walk or swim or whatever to just burn that excessive mood chaos, and he always told me to give my pdoc a call (which honestly was of the most help - I have an amazing pdoc). Pdoc could do a bit of med tweaking and have me at least on the way to straightened out in a matter of a few days. Emailing and abusing your T (and I say that affectionately, not literally) after he's come off of oral surgery is really not going to make you feel any better in the short run or the long run. If you must spit your venom, go to the store and buy yourself a fire engine red journal and colored pens and journal, journal, journal (your manic side will thrive on it). This mixed state will pass and you'll start thinking straight again along with it, just try not to abuse yourself or anyone else who might get in the way while this is going on -- seriously. You can choose how to handle this state without derailing. Not saying it's easy; it's not. It's hell. But you don't have to completely implode if you can make some creative, helpful, distracting, self-supportive decisions right now. You've gone into this weekend predicting you would be your T's worst client this weekend. That doesn't have to be true. That doesn't mean don't contact him, but slow yourself down a bit so when you do contact him you make a wee bit of sense and can actually maybe be responsive to any help he can give you. Sorry you are in this state. It truly is absolutely the worst. People who have never had the pleasure of a bipolar mixed episode truly have no idea of how horrid and debilitating it is while it is going on. Hang in there and keep posting as you need to. (But really, go DO something to change at least the atmosphere around you. It should help at least for a bit; it certainly can't hurt.)

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Lost, get out of the house. Go out to eat with a friend. Heck, go out to eat alone. Go to a movie. Go to two movies. Go feed the ducks at a pond somewhere. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. Stewing in your own juices at home will not help this mixed episode. It will only build. Have you called your pdoc because the doctor is really the person who can help you with this mixed mood? Mixed moods are awful; absolutely the worst. I completely get that. Unfortunately, my T was honestly never able to be of much help in the midst of a mixed episode because I was so completely bonkers at the time that getting me to actually process was useless. He knew that, and generally told me to go walk or swim or whatever to just burn that excessive mood chaos, and he always told me to give my pdoc a call (which honestly was of the most help - I have an amazing pdoc). Pdoc could do a bit of med tweaking and have me at least on the way to straightened out in a matter of a few days. Emailing and abusing your T (and I say that affectionately, not literally) after he's come off of oral surgery is really not going to make you feel any better in the short run or the long run. If you must spit your venom, go to the store and buy yourself a fire engine red journal and colored pens and journal, journal, journal (your manic side will thrive on it). This mixed state will pass and you'll start thinking straight again along with it, just try not to abuse yourself or anyone else who might get in the way while this is going on -- seriously. You can choose how to handle this state without derailing. Not saying it's easy; it's not. It's hell. But you don't have to completely implode if you can make some creative, helpful, distracting, self-supportive decisions right now. You've gone into this weekend predicting you would be your T's worst client this weekend. That doesn't have to be true. That doesn't mean don't contact him, but slow yourself down a bit so when you do contact him you make a wee bit of sense and can actually maybe be responsive to any help he can give you. Sorry you are in this state. It truly is absolutely the worst. People who have never had the pleasure of a bipolar mixed episode truly have no idea of how horrid and debilitating it is while it is going on. Hang in there and keep posting as you need to. (But really, go DO something to change at least the atmosphere around you. It should help at least for a bit; it certainly can't hurt.)

wow that was so helpful. im off to buy a notebook before i completly implode. i saw pdoc on friday, he already tweaked meds. T just texted me and told me it was okay ive been abusing him, but he's just been resting cause of the surgery.

[WikidPissah]

really, really good advice ^, Chris has been there, she knows.

He probably isn't ignoring you, he is probably doing something and can't respond. Remember, he can't possibly be tethered to you at all times.

ETA: oops we posted at the same time. good you've heard from him.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

wow that was so helpful. im off to buy a notebook before i completly implode. i saw pdoc on friday, he already tweaked meds. T just texted me and told me it was okay ive been abusing him, but he's just been resting cause of the surgery.

Good to hear you've had a med adjustment; it really should kick in a a few days so the trick is to survive until then. I figured your T was recouping form oral surgery; oral surgery aftermath can be awful.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Good to hear you've had a med adjustment; it really should kick in a a few days so the trick is to survive until then. I figured your T was recouping form oral surgery; oral surgery aftermath can be awful.

i don't know why i didnt put it together i just had the same thing done he did a few days ago. we even talked about it. ugh i dont know. i cant think straight.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

i don't know why i didnt put it together i just had the same thing done he did a few days ago. we even talked about it. ugh i dont know. i cant think straight.

That's right. You really can't think straight right now. That's why thinking and thinking and thinking is so unproductive at this point. Doing things to keep yourself out of your head until the storm blows over really will make this less painful. You're doing good though. Good job reaching out for suggestions and clarification. Now, go get out for awhile.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

That's right. You really can't think straight right now. That's why thinking and thinking and thinking is so unproductive at this point. Doing things to keep yourself out of your head until the storm blows over really will make this less painful. You're doing good though. Good job reaching out for suggestions and clarification. Now, go get out for awhile.

You were so right my manic side is having a field day journaling with crayons.

[WikidPissah]

awesome job lost! T is going to be so proud of you! Hope you are better today.

[lostmyway21]

Hey wikid thanks for asking...a little better. My notebook and crayons are handy if I feel like journaling again though. I'm going to try and get out and bring Kaos for a walk or something today. Just keep busy.

[granite1]

hey lost. hows things today.maybe today go someplace awsome for yourself.i love what chris had to say so so wise

[WikidPissah]

Kaos...and I spelled it chaos...lol. Well, I remembered his name, that's huge for an old chick like me.

Monday's almost here lost!

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Kaos...and I spelled it chaos...lol. Well, I remembered his name, that's huge for an old chick like me.

Monday's almost here lost!

I mOndays! I'm thinking about bringing my journal to cheer up T. He's going to laugh when he sees my true manic side.

[WikidPissah]

I have never been manic (thankfully), but I've been psychotic...so I have one of those wacky journals. The whole mixed episode sounds so dreadful to me...yikes.

[lostmyway21]

Awe T texted me and said I hope your doing better.

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Awe T texted me and said I hope your doing better.

Aw, YAY! You have a great T!

Do you mind sharing him? Haha..